It's weird being involved

It's weird being involved in Gloria's life now that we are separated. I
think that she intentionally pushes the bounds to see what she can get
away with. She told me to meet her for dinner tonight and we would grill
out and all that, but then never called and never let me know one way or
another what was going on until I call her at like quarter to eleven. Then
she tells me that she's hooking up with an old friend of hers that she
asn't seen in ages. Some guy I've never heard of. C'est la vie. I'm not
feeling well so it doesn't really bug me that she did that, but it looks
bad. Really bad. I'll tell her that tomorrow, she'll get mad and
defensive, and I'll write about it here, just watch. I know this pattern
all too well. Just another in a long string of let downs and
disappointments as far as she is concerned, but why? I'm starting to get
enough information to really see what she does. Gloria has to have someone
follow her to feel important. She derives some sense of self importance by
seeing how far she can drag other people with her, and if they don't go?
She gets angry and pissed off, and what is wrong with them that they don't
follow wherever she should go. Oh yeah, there are delusions of grandeur
too. She's a dangerous personality when she wants to be that is for sure.
So I trust her and all, and I know that regardless of what she does and
how it looks that she'd at least tell me if anything were to happen
between her and this guy, but since she won't call me to tell me that
there has been a change of plans should I care? I mean putting that sort
of distance between us while we are separated really only serves on
purpose. And that is to more clearly delineate the space between us.
Reconciliation seems out of the question when this sort of stuff
happens, not because I want to know what she is up to day in and day out
for every moment of her life but because it's just plain disrespectful to
make plans and then not even call when those plans fall through. I
suppose that is a boundary that needs to be more clearly defined. But I am
prepared for the fallout tomorrow (or this morning...) when I define it.

more later...

Okay, so I talked to Gloria on the phone and it went not at all like I
expected, but for some reason it still bothers me. I mean she agreed that
she was completely disrespectful to me and that it was wrong of her to not
even call. But then she tried to tell me that it was my fault because I'm
not living with her and that it never would have happened if I was. What
kind of fucked up logic is that? I mean if you respect someone you respect
them no matter where you are. If I was halfway across the world and I made
plans to meet her somewhere, she's get a fucking phone call if I couldn't
make it. It's just not right, and it shows how little respect she has to
do that to me twice in one week. I think that I need some time away from
her if she's going to act like that. I don't think that this can ever be
healthy if those kind of games are going to be played. So now we are
supposed to have "a talk" tonight. But I'm not even into it now, I want to
go do something fun with friends that respect me and treat me like I'm
human. She can stay in her little apartment and have all the men over that
she can stand as far as I care. I want more out of life than to be walked
over, I want more out of this than to be there whenever she gets the urge.
I think I'll skip out on her tonight and go hang with some friends. You bet
I'll at least call her to let her know though.



--------

Okay, no word yet

Okay, no word yet on the new job. So I'm starting to sweat it a little
bit, no doubt that is what they want. It'll be fine though I'm sure. I
heard back about the music thing today, hopefully that will come through,
I'm going to be in serious need of cash here soon. Out of work nerds are
not a good thing. Out of work is not a good thing. I'm having it out
finishing up a lot of personal projects though. Gloria is even giving me
the space that I need in order to get things done. Her having a bath tub
is a life saver for me, she's not nearly as demanding when she can go sit
in the tub three or four times a day. RSD is a complete bitch that way. I
have a great deal of sympathy for this condition now, that is for sure.
Doctors need to spend more time researching things like this, perhaps they
can come up with a cure. All they can do is give her more drugs, more
drugs, more drugs... She's over-medicated already in my mind. It's sad to
see someone go downhill at the orders of doctors.

Anyway, my long overdue happy fathers day rant... I have been putting this
off, I haven't had a lot of joy in dealing with my father for the most
part through my life. He's old school. Real shallow and if you get past
the surface of any issue he's lost in a world of old men habits like
changing the subject and offering "fixes" for whatever problem is
happening. It's not like I need that kind of stuff, if he could just shut
up and listen and be supportive. He doesn't know how though, and I can't
blame him, no one ever showed him how either. I swear to god though, if he
says all my problems would be solved if I'd just go to church with him on
Sunday morning, I'm going to scream. Fake-assed pious shit like that does
not cut it in my book. Especially since he was the one cheating on my mom
(although he fervently denies it) for all that time. Just own up to it,
admit the reality and go on, you know? I don't care, it's all water under
the bridge now for the most part but that front of denial after all these
years. It's like if you repeat it long enough it even becomes true to you.
God I hate that. And the piety on top of that. God Bless you, just come to
church, my life changed when I gave it all over to the lord... yeah, and
my life changed the day you picked up the jesus pipe and took your first
toke of christian crack. I could at least respect someone who was honest
with themselves and the people around them, at the very least their family
and themselves. So much for that... lay it all at the feet of the lord and
we can deny it like it never happened. Dad, face it. You're not happy
where you are in life, you and your new wife are digging the same old
holes you got yourself into before the divorce. You put up a front like
aluminum siding on a run down house, the inside is still rotten regardless
of how shiny and new it looks. As far as Sunday goes, I'm more
spiritually aware of myself and those around me than you've ever found
yourself to be. God is not in church. God is not in the church community.
God is not in bible school, choir, or the words that your preacher screams
down from his pulpit. Wake up and see that, please. You scare me with some
of the brainwashed literature you read and some of the "truths" in which
you place your faith. Look around you. Learn to see god in the trees in
your back yard. Learn to see god in the sound of birds singing, in the
trail the sun blazes across the sky, in the way the gravel is settling in
your driveway. Then look for the signs of god within you, yes *within*
you. Then look for the signs of god within your children, and their
children, and all your friends and family. Sure, I have no doubt that you
can say you see all that, but I know you don't. Your words are to shallow
to have such insight... and it worries me because I love you. You are my
father and I want you to grow as I have, to be as strong and self assured
as I have become, and to recognize the patterns of self destruction that
you perpetuate as I struggle to do. Instead of going to church with you on
Sunday, why don't you go to the meditation center with me on Wednesday, or
to the park with me on Saturday, or stay home and read and listen to
Pakistani dervishes sing praises to god and feel the passion and
profundity of that love of god, and the ecstasy of gods love for us. Hmmm?
I'm sure that sounds as good to you as "Sunday Morning" sounds to me. But
I love you anyway. And more than that I accept your weird assed beliefs
about religion and god as long as you can accept that forcing it off on me
is not the way to get to heaven. Now the whole world knows the words that
I can't possibly say to you for myself. It's probably for the best, because
I love you enough not to hurt your feelings by letting loose on you like
this in person too... but I do feel better getting all that out. I guess
more than anything, despite the drastically different paths we are on, I
appreciate the fact that you gave me life and allowed me the opportunity
to pursue my own path. Thanks, and happy fathers day.

j-

--------

Today is odd... Cool

Today is odd... Cool though, I spent time with mom tonight. I have to say
that the older I get the more I respect and admire my mother. She's a
tough woman. My dad was a jerk to her, I can only really blame it on the
way men of that generation were to women at the time and the fact that he
suppresses all his emotion like he was trying to fill soda bottles with
the stuff. I know, I know, typical generational drive about men and all
that. I have to say though that he does bring a lot of it on himself. That
being said I do respect the man and know that he loves us (his kids) more
than he does himself all too often. But back to my mom for right now since
it's not quite fathers day yet. We watched Casablanca. Neither of us had
ever seen it. Yes I know, we are the last two people on earth that
haven't. But now we have so don't bug me about it anymore. She was kind
enough to take me out to eat and show me a classic of American cinema, and
now I know what all the hype was about. That is an incredible movie.
Actors of that caliber just don't exist anymore. Or perhaps it's just the
style that has changed, but there is definitely something to that style.
It was cool spending time with mom like that. She's gotten so cool since
the divorce. And so mellow. I guess there are times when two people just
aren't right for each other and they bring out all the wrong things in
each other. My friends try to tell me that this is the way it is with
Gloria and I, but it's not always like that. There are so many instances
that it's so good I can completely believe that we were always meant to be
together. She called bitching about something tonight though and I told
her to call me back when she was calm. I was mad. First she interrupted
Casablanca which completely sucked me into it, and second she blew the
mood the movie put me in to take me on her emotional roller coaster. It was
really easy to hang up. She called back later and apologized. She's
apologized so much lately that it's sort of weird, but she does seem to be
examining her life, which she didn't do for a long time because she was
too wrapped up in telling me what was wrong with mine. Perhaps this
separation is really a good thing. It means that we can take time to step
back and get some perspective. It means that we can be civil to one
another and set up appropriate boundaries. These are all very good things
in my mind. I hope it keeps up because I think fundamentally we really do
like each other and love each other on so many levels. Anyway, time to
sleep, more tomorrow when I get tired of coding...

--------

Today has been rather

Today has been rather odd.. in an emotional roller coaster sort of way. I'm
excited, I have an interview tomorrow that could possibly lead to the best
job I've had to date. on the other hand, I ate lunch with perhaps my best
friend on the face of the earth and all he says to me about is is a
sarcastic "Fuck you" and several jokes. I would like to hear more than
that but it is the sense of humor and sarcasm that make him one of my best
friends, so in understanding that I understand the nature of his reaction.
I would take all my friends with me if I could, but I can't imagine where
I'd keep them all. I miss my sister Cindy. (She's not my real sister, but
she may as well be. I love her like one) I saw her today and it was like a
family reunion. Her and Mike, I used to work with Mike and I had the most
fun working nights with him, then Cindy would come in and they start
getting nasty... It was so funny. I'm not really inclined to be shy around
really nasty talk, so I guess they felt that and cut loose around me a
little bit. I think you can tell alot about people when they feel
comfortable enough to cut loose around you, there are people I've met that
really scared me when they did that, these two were not like that at all.
It was like talking with old friends the first time we met. So they moved
off to Lexington and now I'm moving off to Chicago potentially, thank god
for ICQ. Now if only we could buy it back from AOheLl.

So I'm going on this interview tomorrow, and I feel really confident and
all that. But I'm going to miss all these people. But I know we are all
super wired and won't fall apart communication-wise. And I also know that
we will all get together again sooner or later, that whole group was like
a family for so long. Maybe I'll have to bring everyone up for some water
joe and bbq when everything is settled. There is always Internet world
though :-) I love all my geek friends. BTW all you sexist fucks in the
Lexington area, Hire Cindy, she puts most of you lame ass-ed fucks to shame
intellectually and could administer rings around the rest of you. Don't be
fooled because she has breasts dumb-asses.She deserves a good job that pays
well in her area and she'd better get it dammit. Anyway, that's my rant
for tonight. I'll have more when I live more...



--------

Okay, I'm kind of

Okay, I'm kind of mad, but then it's my own fault. They invaded my privacy
really bad. Got on my ICQ account and checked my e-mail... That's really
shitty. I left the accounts accessible from my work machine though. So now
that problem is fixed.

Having a day away to collect my thought and see if this move was the right
one lets me know that my decision is the right one even if it seems sudden
and rash. I will survive one way or another anyhow, but I could not go in
to that place and pretend to be enthusiastic about work when I kept
getting screwed over and screwed over. I was constantly paranoid about my
job security because the tools they said they would provide in order to
enable me to do the work, they never followed through. It was the
beginning of the end for them I'm sure, you just can't run a business like
that. By nature I'm very loyal to the company I work for, but they
defeated that at every turn. I hope other people there don't have as bad
an experience as I did. But I'm sure someone will. So now on to other
things, I've got plenty of experience and skills for some fortunate
company out there that won't fall back on all their promises. Personally
I'd like to go work with all the ubergeeks at Bell Labs, perhaps there's
an opening somewhere in New Jersey ;-) Now that nothing is keeping me here
I suppose I can go anywhere I please.

Oh well, I still have work to get done, job or no job... so more later...

--------

Happy birthday to my

Happy birthday to my beautiful wife Gloria...

It's been a while since I've written anything. It's been a very odd week
and very busy. I have received an offer from a company that is interested
in my talents, and it sounds like a great opportunity for me to grow and
learn more about the fields that interest me. I'm a geek, so take a wild
guess. Plus it sounds like I'll be working with a lot of creative and
talented people which I am very excited about. I really feed off that
energy and it drives me. So perhaps I'll put the movie on the back burner
for now and focus on moving, getting my life together, music, and my novel
for now. I'm pretty content with just that ;-)

The debate rages though. Leave the company that I work for that I can't
stand, out in the cold like a dog that humps your leg and messes up your
brook bros. trousers one too many times, or give them notice. Based on the
last sentence can you tell which direction I'm leaning? I've got projects
to keep me in money until the end of the month and hopefully by then I
will have found something else. So.... sounds like I'm not going to be
feeling well tomorrow. Man if I could only put into words how much they've
jerked me around there... it's pathetic. Here's a draft of my resignation
letter that I actually wrote in a dream I had last night...

Dear Sirs,

I am resigning as your designated whipping boy and lead project
disaster management specialist. During my tenure here I have found that the
management has been severely mentally challenged and inept and by forcing
myself through another tumultuous day, I will be sacrificing any scraps of
human dignity that I have left.

When I joined [said company] over a year ago I feel several promises
were made to me that were not delivered. Certification and utilization of
talents that I already possessed were among those. The idea that I would
actually learn and have some assistance in learning C/C++ was also clearly
stated and never delivered. I find that outside of [said company] my
skills have grown tremendously and that through mismanagement and providing
a non rewarding (or rewarded) work experience, it is impossible for me to
bring those skill to good use within [said company].

To end, I would like to say that the people you have working for you
are some of the most talented and hard working individuals in the market.
Treat them well. You won't find many more out there like them for a while.
Take a management class or two, it couldn't possibly hurt you. And lastly,
thanks for the money. In the end it is the only thing that I walk away
with that means a thing from [said company], and even now, that is no
longer worth the pain and suffering. So long, and I guarantee one day
you will be sorry to have lost me, my ideas are so much bigger than yours.

Sincerely,

Joseph


I only hope that it makes them feel like the morons they are.
Unfortunately I know better. Oh well, in the immortal words of Douglas
Adams, "So long and thanks for all the fish." Too bad too, because some of
the people there were really really cool. And for the most part, at least
to other people there, they weren't complete blood sucking pigs. I mean
they were all in all good to the other employees there, but man, I got
stuck on the shittiest projects, with the most fucked up clients, wanting
apps that were spec'ed out completely wrong in configurations that just
simply would not work. For the most part I was able to overcome all that
even considering my (meager) programming skills. Morons, that's all I have
to say. I'm gold and they don't' realize it... I mean there are a lot of
people that are getting into the industry now because the money and all
that but I'm a true geek. I love it from the inside out, self taught and
wont stop learning about it because I'm driven to do it. New job? Hardware
and UNIGloria, my two favorite things in the world next to music... I'll still
freelance that however, after all I have to do something on my down time
other than sleep. Now if I could just find a job that would let me hack
with BeOS, that would be the bomb... Oh well, gotta have some wishful
thinking...

More later...



--------

Yippee, the EPO was

Yippee, the EPO was withdrawn! Life can almost return to normal. Well as
normal as it could possibly be at least. Man what a relief. Court sucks.
It was like stepping back in time to walk into the courthouse, like
something out of 'To Kill A Mockingbird' I expected Atticus to step out at
any moment. We were the last case on the list, so we were there for about
3 hours. I was so completely nervous all I could do was close my eyes and
try to let all that nervousness drain into the floor... it didn't do a lot
of good. But Gloria was nice, she withdrew the order. Afterward we talked
for a long time. She was angry, I can understand that. Two weeks ago we
were going to buy a house now we're getting a divorce. It seems a bit
messed up in my mind as well, like all the reality that I had been
building was yanked out from under my feet. But it still doesn't justify
bitching at each other, not anymore. So I got out of the car and walked
off and much to my surprise, she came after me. She was so adamantly
not caring about me that I was completely shocked to see that she came
after me, it was that little sign of her affection that she does let out
every now and then. We talked for a long time. It was nice, we were
actually nice to each other for an extended period of time. I think after a
while we both started looking at what we did to wind up in this spot now,
which was very comforting considering all she was doing earlier was
telling me what I did wrong. It was small, but it was something. God, i
love her. I still do, I always will. No use trying to deny it. So today
I'm really happy, I feel completely overjoyed in fact, I got to spend a
great deal of time with the woman I love most in the world and we had a
ton of fun. I have pictures to prove it :-)

So anyway after our very long lunch/talk, we went to see a movie last
night. The Matrix. That's were we had the pictures taken, I love those
little photo booths. The light was so bright that it scared the hell out
of me, I thought I was going to be blind or suffer massive retinal damage
due to the flash, so my expression goes from one of utter calm to one of
screaming agony (all the while laughing my butt off). It's very funny
looking, so back to the Matrix...

Okay, everyone and their mother has already seen this movie other than me
so you already have your own opinions, I liked it but it reminded me of a
French film because of the ending, love conquers all and that whole
reluctant Messiah theme are the hinges of the plot and frankly, I love
that story line but it's getting old. After reading Dune 47 times really I
think that it is time for a different plot device. The special effects
were quite honestly great, but I think that they were a little
understated than in other films. Not to say that there was a lack of
special effect, god no, I guess what I mean to say is that they were so
woven into the film as to not be a plot device like in every other film
made. And then the last aspect, and probably the most unpredictable, the
Keanu Reeves Factor. In this film it was joyously kept to a minimum. It's
almost like he actually acted in this film. He must be getting better with
age, he didn't grate on my nerves like he did in so many other films. Good
deal, so it was an interesting plot, great unobtrusive special effects,
and a low Keanu Reeves Factor. Overall that earns the Matrix four out of
five stars. ****

Med Check with the shrink tonight, hope he doesn't ask me to tell him
about my erotic dreams again, that's always a little disturbing for some
reason. More later...


--------

Court day... I think

Court day... I think I feel sick. I hate the American legal system, and
now I am walking into its grasp over something that didn't happen the way
it is proclaimed to have happened, and into the hands of a gender biased
judge who in all likelihood has every reason in the world to be somewhat
gender biased considering the people that normally are thrown before her.
I'm scared. I admit it, it sucks to be the victim of a senseless act of
violence and then raked over the coals for it legally when you really did
nothing but try to defend yourself. That's my side of it at least, no one
else will see it that way because I'm a white man, and my wife took out
this claim against me to be evil and vindictive. Beating me was not
enough, but she had to make me suffer as much as she possibly could as
well. I'm not missing her too much today, thank god. Perhaps I will come
to my senses sooner or later after all... I was wondering for a while if I
would or not. If I would go back or not. I'm not sure that its worth it
after this. Reality had to hit sooner or later and now is as good a time
as any considering what I've got to go through later today. It sucks that
at a time that I feel more in control and more myself than ever before,
that all this has to come down. And once again I get to shoulder the brunt
of it. No wonder men go out and shout and scream in the woods. They need
to feel empowered somehow. It's stripped from us in so many ways all the
time, from the moronic male characters we see on TV all the time to the
laws that prevent us from even lifting a hand above our heads to keep from
getting our skulls bashed in when a woman in a fit of anger and
frustration decides to take a large blunt object and beat you with it. I
don't want to sound like I'm against equal rights and all that. I am
completely for it, and I understand that there are reasons for these
precedents. All in all there are a lot of men out there that give the rest
of a a really bad name. So I guess that in the grand scheme of things a
few of us reasonably "good" men will suffer for the ills of a bunch of
other assholes. Guess I should just live with it right? Sure, I guess I
don't have a choice, but it still makes bile creep up my throat to think
that I am persecuted for something I did not do. At least not the way that
it will undoubtedly be portrayed.

more later....

--------

Very lazy Sunday, it's

Very lazy Sunday, it's hot, it's humid... the pride of Ohio Valley
weather. God, even with the AC on it's too hot to be comfortable. Night
time will be a comfort. My nephews are on my nerves today and so is my
computer. Perhaps its the heat. I try to stay somewhat by myself so as to
stay out of the way under these overcrowded conditions and the not take
how I feel out on anyone. I'm pretty hypersensitive to that right now,
considering Gloria used to tell me all the time that I had a way of
letting my mood rub off on everyone else around me. I don't know, I guess
perhaps I'm learning to set up some sort of wall to keep that from
happening. Everyone else around here is irritable to though so perhaps
it's just the heat.

Tomorrow is the court date. I'm nervous. She told me that she would drop
the EPO but I'm not sure. I mean I don't really know how far to trust her
now. My lawyer told me some horror stories about the kind of tricks used
to get people to not show up to court for these things too, and frankly it
scared the hell out of me. But I think deep down I still fundamentally
trust Gloria. I mean I love her so there is some inherent feeling of
trust in that. Before she betrayed my confidence she never had really
broken any other trusts that we'd had, but then she never flipped out like
that either. Perhaps after tomorrow I will be able to get some closure to
all this. It very difficult not having any communication, not only because
I miss her, but because I don't know where things stand either. I guess I
will find out. Part of me distinctly is afraid of what I might find out
though. Gloria is/was the most important person in my life. It hurts like
hell to have her away like this... but considering that it very well might
be a permanent absence, I suppose I had better start to deal with that
fact. She told me during her last illegal conversation with me that she
missed me and that it hurt but she didn't want to go through all this
again. I can accept that, I understand the feeling. I mean I hate to sound
cliche but "if you love something, set it free..." right? I'm tired of
pursuing her to stay with me, and tired of chasing her to try and work
things out. I mean I'm completely ready to make the effort, and I'm still
committed, but I don't think that she would be willing to try. That fact
makes me pretty sad.

The most beautiful gift I have ever received was this hand bound, hand
made paper journal that Gloria gave me. It has a picture of Buddha on the
front and all the paper is uneven and rough textured where the different
grains of wood and cloth were dried to make the paper. Its gorgeous. I
write poems in it because Gloria charged me with the task of writing down
joy in it. She was tired of dark brooding poetry from me, so here goes, I
thought I would share an emotion from a happier time....

Setting sun

Coming rain

Fire Water

Erupt into Steam


You and I fight

for that sense of unity


Driving stakes through each others hearts because

Its the only way we know

to become one with god


We stop

We breathe


We are already one



This is my ode to our conflicts. Even when arguing, I never knew love like
that. Maybe if I could have expressed that differently. I don't know... Oh
well, I'll let you know what tomorrow brings.

--------

It's boating excursion day...

It's boating excursion day... I'm fried like a lobster. Perfect day for it
though, both boating and frying. Yeah, there is something about actually
seeing sunlight that really feels good. Sunlight is the original
anti-depressant. I won't feel that way tomorrow when I'm sore and the
sunburn has really kicked in, but for now I can bask in the feeling of
communing with nature. It was a good day all around, after the trip we
went to the Vietnam kitchen out in the south end... man you can not beat
that place. The food was incredible and 12 hungry adventurers ransacked
the place starving tonight. They still managed to feed us all and make
incredible meals all the same. Wow, is all I can say. I mean some of you
might think that that should be the standard for any restaurant, but let
me tell you, if you'd seen us all coming in, you would have run for your
lives. Picture 12 wet, smelly, people walking in and sitting down in your
restaurant playing joyfully with the water in their shoes, growling out
the noises that their stomach's were making. I was a server for a while (I
sucked at it) and I would have run screaming for the lot of us. It was a
total blast though. My fortune said "Today is your lucky day" which in my
state of mind was really pleasant. I felt pretty lucky, and for a few
minutes today I didn't feel completely miserable, I did keep thinking that
it would be great if I could take Gloria and Isabelle to this place. Ho
hum... I could almost smack myself for continuing to go there as great as
everything else was today, but you know... shit happens. Mentally
torturing myself again of course....

I keep reminding myself that it will go away, but you know...

--------

Fucking real player... I've

Fucking real player... I've never messed with a buggier version of
software in my life... I hate proprietary crap software. Thank god for
Linux and BeOS. I don't have to deal with that shit from them. Just crap
software for winblows.... (I worked for two days and checked out all the
FAQs and tech docs to have it crash every 5 minutes)

Alright enough geek rant, now on for other things. Got another few phone
calls today. I think the EPO is going to be dropped, but I don't know what
to believe at the moment. So that situation is all fucked up still. She
called though, upset, angry. Man do I realize now what is her shit and
what is mine. Shes got some problems, but it's like whenever she talks she
never lets it be known that she has any intros[pective feelings at all... I
mean after all this, I put myself under a microscope to figure out what it
was and how things went where they did, but her? I don't know, if she
sees anything she did wrong, it's not going to come out to me. I know
she does though, I know she thinks about things that she did, she admitted
it to me once. It never really comes up though, she definitely likes to
dwell on what I do wrong. God love her, if only I needed that kind of
reminder, maybe that would work out better. No... I actually tend to look
more at the things I do then the actions of other people regardless of the
situation. After all, I'm the only person who can control what I do... I
love her, and I'm sorry for all that transpired between us but I can't
really accept more than 50% of the responsibility for the problems either.
Although she thinks it's really closer to 3/4 in my direction. I don't
know that she would be completely aware of that though, she's on ssri's
(Prozac) and oxycontin(codeine deriv.) which I've heard can cause some
pretty crazy reactions and outbursts. I'm willing to think that maybe that
was the case, I mean I know how hard it has been for her being Diagnosed
with RSD and all that. She was down for a long time, I'm committed to her
though, I married her before all that and I am still very committed. That
and I love her and think that she's so incredible on so many levels.
Regardless of what happens, I mean I will cherish the times we had that
were good. Damn, Geminis can really fight like hell when they want to.
I'm horrible anyhow when fighting, I curse too much. It was a real kick in
the ass to have someone tell me after I told them what happened, when they
told me that I need to learn to talk to people like they're humans. I
agree, its the current state of my existence to fix that problem in any
way that I can find to do so... I think I'll take some anger management
classes and see if that helps at all. maybe, but probably not, so I'll read
a lot of Tich Nhat Hahn and see if I can find anything to mediate on to
help me fix it.

Anyway, more later...

(much later)

It's really odd, I mean after yesterday of talking to Gloria, and now
today, not saying a word to her. I can't seem to stop thinking about her.
I suppose that I will always. I was sitting outside smoking tonight and I
kept having this fantasy/daydream whatever... of her pulling up in the
car, getting out of it sort of mad and looking at me in that intense look
she gets mad at me but she wants me to know that she still loves me, and
then I grab her and kiss her. Needless to say, it didn't happen. So I come
in here to write and take my mind off her and we can all see exactly how
well that worked. Alright, I'll try harder...

So i need to send some mad props out to Icons on Baxter Ave. for having
the most incredible people working their, the most talented hair stylists
in Louisville. No doubt. If someone can take my ugly mug and actually make
me look good by simply cutting my hair, it's a f*cking miracle. They
managed to do it. So now I can look all spiffy for my court appearance.
Well not really, it was nice, I mean I think that as men we are taught to
not act like things like having a beautiful woman massage your scalp for a
good half hour is not the path to enlightenment. I say, piss off... you
have no idea what you're missing. I'd pay twice as much to have this woman
work on my head (no puns intended, I meant the one atop my neck you filthy
pervs... well, I mean not completely, but for the mostpart...) Hey, after
all this I'm just amazed I can still allow a little room for a sex drive.
Not much of one but it at least lets me know it exists. Stress does that
you know...

Ahhh fuck it, I can't do this I'm either thinking of Gloria or
watching TV. Well at least I tried. AMC is usually god to help me get over
all that though, man I love old movies. Don't quite understand it, I just
am a fan of film. I think that I'm going to shoot a film here soon,
strictly low-tech (I don't have any money) but it might be interesting... a
little video montage to play with the camera and shots and stuff like
that... Hell, if Stanley Kubrick could do it ;-) So anyway, next I need to
start thinking about the content. I need a good story, even if there is
really not going to be a story, I need a good story. something visual,
something for my camera to focus on... I'll come up with it, I just have
to wait for it to hit me...

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