Busy busy busy... work

Busy busy busy... work has got my head spinning as of late. I love this job, so I suppose that's why I let it get my head spinning. New toys by the boatloads too, so it's not a bad deal overall. This really is a great gig. I love playing with computers all the time. Setting up solaris is becoming a full time in and of itself. I have to say, although it has it's weaknesses, I'm really happy with Solaris 7. not a bad package overall. It'll be interesting to see what Solaris 8 has to offer. Just a hint for those that don't already know this to be a cold hard fact. Firewalls on solaris blow firewalls on NT away as far as performance. Don't doubt it, it's true.

So tonight I'm headed to an art opening with a friend, should be interesting, book and paper arts. Theres so much cool stuff to do with paper. I'm all for the paperless office, save the tree cutting for people that make art out of them. I can't believe some of the stuff you can do with marbled paper, My friend was showing me the most incredible samples, designs with flowers that jump out in front of the rest of the pattern, it's one of the few times that I was left scratching my head thinking, "How did they do that?" So i'm looking forward to seeing what else is out there in this facinating field. When I'm not tinkering on computers I love to write and to put words on this fine paper makes me smile just a bit. It's like taking a step back into history when words could be preserved on paper for millinia rather than a few decacdes. Pretty cool stuff.

Anyway, weather here has taken the turn towards the cold and rainy. Not the most pleasant weather by any stretch but nice in it's own way. Its a great time to reflect on the past year and what got me to this point. And look towards the coming winter and all that is going to happen over the course of the next few months. Still have a long way to go in the divorce process but it's going to happen so I'm not pushing a lot, just trying to take care of it one day at a time. I talked to Gloria briefly today and she was civil after recieving some really nasty e-mail from her the other day. Is it a thing for women to rag on a mans sexual prowess when she's upset with him? It's like every female I know gets off to some degree on telling a man that they suck in bed, (I'm sure there are men who deserve that, but it's far to common to be entirely true) I'm not upset by the statement, my ego was not bruised or my sexuality disrupted in any way, but it did make me laugh, and it made me a little disappointed that she would stoop to such a comment. Oh well, her problem not mine. And as for how I am in bed, that's for the future ex-mrs. to decide... seriously I don't think I ever want to get married again. I think that I have a completely warped view of marriage after all this. Like my parents instilled me with the most healthy view of marriage to begin with... (note there is a ton of sarcasm in that statement) But with all the infidelity and miscommunication and anger and hatred that passed between us, there is a dreadful poison in the marriage arena for me. I think that if it comes to marriage or monistary, I'll become a monk.

More later...

j-
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It's been a good

It's been a good day. Sun microsystems is the bomb. I love their sytstems, I love their software. It has it's problems and I know that, as all systems do, but in general, I'd prefer to use it than almost anything else. (I'm also a linux and beos fan as well for that matter)... Hell, I think that even MacOS is better than windows though. That's the problem. Too many people dependant on stupid software. (read stupid as microsoft) Unix is so much more reliable, stable, and scalable. Why won't people just accept it and put their enterprise critical data on a system that can handle it? It's got to be the marketting fluff produced by microcruft's big business machine. Too bad they can put that energy into products that work. I think that I would genuinely like NT if it weren't marketed as a UNIGloria killer (which it will never be) but the people at the top of the food chain that don't have any technical skills or knowledge, yet somehow get into positions that they make these decisions, rely on Microsoft to give them all the answers. Ahhh screw it, I don't really care, I don't want a religious debate, I just want a product that works. If sendmail didn't do it's job well, I would hate it too. Oh well, I suppose that eventually the marketplace will turn itself around, that's the day I'm waiting for. I'm gaining all this knowledge about systems that make me drool, I mean a sun E10000 would completely make me salivate, what a combo... powerful hardware, powerful operating system... think of all the web pages you could serve with that... (a little geek humor there ;-) Oh well, enough of all that, I don't want to get too into all that anyway, there will be a day that I go on a religious rant about UNIGloria but today is not the day. Bot as for ranking, here are Joseph's top 5 operating systems in order--

Solaris (on sparc hardware)

Linux (on x86)

BeOS

MacOS Gloria

Windows NT

Yes there is a theme there, see if you can figure it out... You know it feels good to have computers on the brain for a while, I haven't had that chance in a while. So life is settling down I guess... the divorce is emminent and it is a good thing. I am coming to terms with that fact. I will miss a lot of things about Gloria, she's talented and willful. She's beautiful to look at, and incredible in bed. I don't think that I ever would have chosen this path for myself, but she got so violent that I couldn't help it. I can't continue with that. It's pretty sad. But I'm getting past mourning, and just working through the regret and feelings of failure that I have now. I failed at my marriage. I really valued it too, which is sad. I don't really remember having failed at anything I cared about so much before, sure there were a few classes in high school and all that, but who cares about that stuff? I certainly didn't. But this I cared about. (I care a great deal about education btw, but high school was definately not education in my book, one day I'll elaborate on that view too) I cared so much about it that I sacrificed a great deal of myself. I am glad to be recovering that now though. I think that I am a much better person for having gone through everything I have. It has taught me a great deal of patiance and compassion. I might not seem extreamly compassionate to Gloria at the moment, but I feel sorry for her. I feel bad that she has a disorder that makes her push people away. I feel sorry for her because there is the potential that she will never be happy. In real terms, she could possibly be lonely and miserable for the rest of her life. She definately deserves better than that, regardless of what I've been through with her. I still feel that way. Oh well, I suppose it will get easier with time.

j-
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Today, is not... like

Today, is not... like any, other... day. I am alone at home and cleaning.
Boy that sounds fun eh? Well, after four months here and the illness that my
soon to be ex there was quite a mess here. Dust bunnies from hell, rolled
up cat hair in the corners. It was starting to feel that I was living in trash
bin. I never expected Gloria to clean and cook and all that stereotypical house
wifey crap, but she always said that she would do it. She didn't work, she home
schooled Isabelle and she told me she would clean the house and all that. But it never
failed that when I got home, she was laying in bed telling me why she didn't
get out of bed that day. Hmmmm I suppose that should have tipped me off before
now that the girl was just ill. Oh well, I guess in retrospect things are
always clearer. So today has been death to the dust bunnies day. Arned with my ultra deadly vaccuum cleaner and dust rag, I was able to rid the apartment of all those nasty little invasive dust bunnies. Back home they would have said, "Them's good eatin's" but frankly I can't stand the things... They taste like chicken. Enough of all the weirdness... oddly enough I feel happy today, all is going really well with my new found life. I feel like writing and creating music, I have ton of energy. Gloria wrote to ask me how I am dealing with all this. Half of me suspects that she just wants to know I hurt as bad as she does. I can't help it if I don't feel as bad. I mean I know that she's sick and all, but I had my heart broken too many times in that one relationship to feel bad now. It is definatly better this way. If I werre to tell her though, how I am coping, I would have to say that it is by focusing on those things that make me happy. I'm taking care of myself, I'm taking care of my appearance. I'm making music and playing guitar again, I even polished my guitar today. I love it, it's the most beautiful peice of rosewood and ebony on the face of the earth... That's how I cope. I create... it makes me feel so much better, even if what I'm creating now sucks because I have been out of practice for so long, the stuff I'm doing will eventually grow into something really incredible. I know that now, and knowing that makes it easier to get out of bed day to day, even though that bed is empty.
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Okay, through all my

Okay, through all my attempts to stay happy and realize that this is the best of all possible scenarios, it doesn't make things any easier. I love Gloria, not as a wife anymore, hell I don't know if I ever loved her "like a wife" because I'm not entirely sure I know what that means. I think she is incredible (if not a little on the psycho side). But we are fundamentally incompatible. I wish I could find that one person, someone that I can fall madly in love with and I will just *know* that this is the person I will be with forever. I know that such romantic ideals are not practical, or rational in this day and age... but is it too much to ask that your partner in life be compassionate and understanding instead of simply demanding? This is my ideal woman, someone that knows, and understands that moments are temporary and that moods come and go, but love and emotion stays regardless of outward appearances. Someone that understands that space has a time and place and is not simply a tool for running away from lifes problems. Someone that can listen as well as talk, with a sense of self awareness and humor. Someone that enjoys simple things like being held late at night and falling asleep in each others arms, as well as more complex things like going out and dressing up in fetish wear to scare all the frat boys and horrority girls and dancing until 2am. Of course it would help if I danced, but you know... Damned baptists, gotta go and ruin children from birth. Oh well...

So me and my friend Ben are talking today... Ben is the bomb. He's one of the most talented people I know. Too bad he doesn't know it... Oh what am I saying, he does on a lot of levels. He's the only person I've ever met who is a bigger musical snob than I am. And he's an incredible graphical designer... anyone who reads this, give him a job! He's too talented to not be making a ton of money. Here is a sample of his design skills. So anyway, we are talking and it seems he and I are in a bit of the same spot. I hate to say it but misery really does love company. I don't feel so alone knowing that there is another person out there that is unhappy in their relationship. Too bad, I mean I'm self depreciating so I feel he deserves it more than I do, so he's failing at it, what hope is there for me. I think that our conclusion was to leave the real world and become monks. I can't do that though, I'm too ingrained in the city life now. I love it. I love it here. I think that regardless of what happens here I will stay for a while. It's an incredible place and I keep meeting incredible people. Perhaps I'll try to rally myself out of this mood and try to get out tonight or something. But then I'm about to listen to some new music that Ben has done, so I will probably be forced to sit down and work tonight and try to come up with some of my own stuff... it's not too easy. I guess stress really kills the urge to create. I've not been able to string two notes together lately. Maybe I just need to play guitar for a while to get back into the swing of things... more later...
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Halloween came and went,

Halloween came and went, as did another lonely anniversary. I got drunk. It didn't seem to help much though, I was in a funk and nothing could have pulled me out of it. Halloween day was not better. Better now for having survived it I suppose. I'm feeling rather bitter today. I'm angry that Gloria, despite everything is still trying to stay in my life. I don't want her there, not after last time, and definitely not after now. I've been beaten up too many times for me to really want to go back to that again. It would seem that she would understand that, but as I know, it is impossible for Gloria to take responsibility for her own actions. So enough of the recap...

I got a phone call this morning from Gloria. She wanted to know why I hadn't replied to the email that she sent that I got at maybe midnight last night. I was tired, I didn't want to respond. I just can't believe the expectations she sets on the people around her. I know why she has such high expectations of other people now though. It's so everybody is so busy taking care of her that they have no time to see how little she does to take care of herself. Granted all this is my opinion based on years of observation, but there is definitely some sort of masking technique at work there. If you are so busy being introspective, it's difficult to see the world around you. She kept me so wrapped up in fixing what was "wrong" with me that I never really looked around to see either what she was doing for herself (which was nothing, she was incapable of taking care of herself, forget even mentioning the two evil words of death... m*oney and w*rk) She wanted to let me provide for everything. Personally, I admit, I am barely capable of taking care of myself, which I think I would be much better at if she hadn't sucked the very life and energy from my bones. Ahh but bitch bitch bitch... I'm angry, I know it... I shouldn't spend all day bitching about her... there is more to life and more to me that letting her get to me like that. Besides, I don't have the energy to waste on her anymore.

So, what are the proper boundaries for a friendship where your friend thinks you are a massive idiot, has proclaimed that she will neither love or trust you as a friend ever again and then she invites you over? I'm scared to think of what might happen. When last we spoke all we did was argue about stupid shit, it all seemed so petty and immature. So now, as nice as the invitation was. I'm scared. I guess it has to do with the current Gloria events that I feel fear rather than something else... but quibbling over the precise origin of the emotion is not going to help me decide what would be best for this situation. I think that distance is the best policy, especially since my head is spinning with everything that is happening. Another emotional matter on top of everything could lead to disaster. I guess that's my answer regardless of how valued that friend is. Besides, I have plenty of other people that are ready to jump on me and beat me up emotionally or otherwise... I guess I really don't look at saying , "Hey baby, get in line" as a bad thing. Keeping a safe distance from everyone and everything is pretty important at this point in time. Someone keeps trying to tell me that I keep trying to listen, maybe it's finally sinking in.
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