Today is not like

Today is not like any other day I've had before... I keep telling myself in
some sort of attempt to make sense out of it all. Last night, a panicked
call from the ex. She needs me to rescue her again. Impulse 1 - do it.
Thought. Rational thought. Decision - don't do it. Why not? Because 1) I'm
in no way over her. found that out the hard way. Tried to bury her memory
and I couldn't do it, it kept creeping back into my head. She did so much
damage, but I still love her. It's like people on the Jerry Springer show,
beat up, abused, redneck women from trailer parks that want to keep their
cheatin' man 'cause they "love 'im"... unfortunately I can relate on some
level, although I know that I can't go back. Never go back. 2) God I miss
our sex life. We had the most incredible sex. She was fantastic, after 5
years I knew her body so well, and she knew how to use it to it's fullest
advantage... score one for the older more experienced women. 3) I realize
that in the space I'm in (see #1 and #2) that it is dangerous for me if she
comes anywhere close to me... it would be too easy and familiar to drop into
that old pattern of behavior, and that's what I'm trying to change. I need
to change that. That's also why I'm staying away from women now. And also
why I'm staying away from "bi-sexual" women. Not that I care about sexual
preference, but now I can say with factual evidence that I got burned by
two bisexual women and have no desire to repeat the whole thing again.
They were both deeply confused. I need to find a nice strait girl if there
are any left out there, and if not, I suppose the monastic lifestyle is not
all that bad. There's always internet pornography, and Rosie Palms... I'd say
that between those three reasons though that it is very likely that it would
be a very dangerous situation. I think that my male hormonal brain would
easily win out over my rational intellect. So it is best to keep a great
distance between us. All of this is very presuming on my part, I know. But
from my standpoint I know how weak I am over all of this for the time being.
I need to find a bar... one that I can go out to and get to know people at
and drink and have fun. And lock myself into a dark corner to write...

phoenix

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only sleep

ends this cold death

stretched out for days

no drugs can quench

these burning memories

like toxic flames

licking rubber

burning forever



we had love once

I think

we had more than love once

we had future

future times

future plans



now consumed

where is that seed

that egg from which to hatch

hidden beneath the refuse

the detritus of

soul and spirit

sloughed off

to rise anew

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