Sometimes I wonder what

Sometimes I wonder what exactly is going on when I get as stressed out as I did
today. I mean the answer seems self obvious. There were so many people coming
and bitching all at once, there were so many things going wrong all at once,
that I couldn't possibly keep up with it all. It seems that answer should be
enough, but I always want to blame it on something, I want to blame it on the
fact that I'm in withdraw from my medication, or the fact that the woman I'm
interested in is just not interested in me, or that I'm just not organized, or
whatever... I want to rationalize, I want to think that under some "normal"
circumstance that I would be able to handle it all... truth is today, I found
out that I couldn't handle it all in a hard way. Too bad too. I made other
people feel it as well. They are all feeling the same way, perhaps that's why
it happened. Perhaps that's why it came out the way it did today, but really I
know that it's just that I've been asked to do too many things all at once and
the people that I've trusted to take care of me while I've been doing all of
this has proven to be misplaced... I don't know. There are reasons that they are
acting the way they are... there are plans of something about to happen, but who
knows what? Not me... it makes me pretty paranoid about my job security, my
sanity, and stress level. Perhaps it's an informational thing... perhaps it's
some change in the way things are panning out, who knows. I'm more inclined to
believe that things aren't going to happen the way I'd planned.

Oh well... sleep and then up and at 'em again tomorrow... hopefully with some
perspective.

j-
--------

I'm in a funk

I'm in a funk today. I'm feeling better now that I'm away from work, so that
says a lot to me right there. My morale is dangerously low. As is that of almost
every other person I work with. Perhaps it's only seasonal, but more likely it's
got something to do with the high stress level, and poor pay we all get. I don't
know that I can really trust the people I work with anymore either. I've
watched, I've learned, I've kept my mouth shut as more and more things roll out
and get fucked up. I don't know, I've been doing it for so long with such a high
level of optimism and motivation, it's hard to keep that up. Ugggg...

So anyway... this funk... I'm not really feeling up to much right now. I'm down
on the whole work thing... I'm down on the whole dating thing... I'm tired of
watching my friends get screwed over, and tired of people throwing more crap on
my plate than is possible for any three human beings to handle. Fuck, I can't
even keep my own thoughts together...

Fuck... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.... I don't know... I want to write, I want to
get this melencholoy out and try to feel better.. . but what do you do what do
you do when you can keep your own thoughts moving? I'm not motivated for
anything, I don't really feel like doing anything, that means going out, keeping
up appearances, dating, meeting people, nothing, nothing sounds even remotely
interesting to me right now. I wish I could go back and be 16 again or
something... not that it was some golden age, but there was no crappy
responsibility to keep up with there was no worry about where the next paycheck
was coming from or if you were invested in a manner that would get you some bit
of a retirement fund. I don't know... I feel so scattered... I think I'm just
going to go to sleep or something.

j-
--------

Astrology sucks. I get

Astrology sucks. I get my horror-scope from
www.realastrology.com
because the guy is really funny and delivers the message in such a way that even
if you don't believe in astology, you can get something valuable out of reading
your horror-scope. Well fuck him... not only do I not believe the bastard, but
he's also fucking right. I hate it when that happens. Here's the breakdown...
inb the first two sentences of this horror-scope he tells me that first I need
to work at love like I do at me job... I've been working harder at my job than I
ever have in my life. Oddly enough I've been in a lurch with this girl from the
internet because she's happy designating me to the friend zone... so I've been
working hard to keep that from happening. So all of this happens and now I read
this fucking horror-scope.

Ahhh... I've been bitter about the marriage and bitter about the relationship
that she's iin now, and bitter about having gone through hell and it's only
going to hold me back and I know all of this but for the longest time I've still
not been able to completely let go of all that hurt and anguish. It's not as
easy as everyone wants to make it. I got into a realtionship "too soon" after
the fact, and she couldn't cope... even ehough she said that she just wanted me
to tell her what was up, and I promised I would (and did) she still came back
with telling me that there was this seemingly third person in the mix. She was
right. But I didn't want to admit that at the time. A lot of other shit that she
wanted me to own up to, I never will however because she was still full of shit.
Fucking xanex eating neurotic axiety ridden fool; hope she wakes up to real life
one day and realizes that stress is part of life. Annnnywho... So I know that I
need to let go of that and that I need to get on with my life. That's what this
grand experiment with the internet was supposed to be, that's what this new
relationship was to me. I guess I have to re-evaluate it now. Apparently I'm
still holding on. It was a major step telling Gloria never to call here
again.
And it's easier by the day to not have her around and not deal with her shit. It
was hard being home though considering I was running into places that we'd
stayed before, and running around town with people we'd known. I couldn't help
but think of her. Maybe that's why I got sick while I was down there. But
seriously, I don't know. I think my real stance is that I hope she moves on and
gets what she wants out of life. I can't look at what she does, or who she does
it to anymore and make any judgments. It's not my job anymore. And I can't
really hold her responsible for the things that happened in the past. I could
have left at any time. I didn't, out of obligation in the end more than love.
But I want love. I want intimacy, and that feeling of your heart onfolding to
the point of breaking when you look someone in the eyes and feel that they are
the one. I want a future, not a past. So, Gloria. I forgive you. I forgive
all
the pain and anguish you made me feel, all the years of pressure that made me
feel so inadaquate, all the arguments, all the fights, all the bumps, bruises,
and scars. I forgive you for dragging me along on your wild ride without concern
of me or the consequences. I forgive you because now it is done. It's in the
past. It's not my job anymore, it's not my life anymore except in stories that I
tell people. And to you, a person that was truely no good for me or to me, I say
a final goodbye. I wish you well.

Well, with one of my projects in love done for the week, I'll go work on some
more... offline though. I'll keep track of the progress here though... perhaps
in years to come it will come in handy to look back at this point... maybe even
eventually laugh...

j-
--------

Ahhhhh.... finally. Rest. It's

Ahhhhh.... finally. Rest. It's been a long... LONG two weeks away from home,
away from my own bed, my own space. I need toc rest tonight. I think I caught
cold from my sister while I was out of town. It sucks because this is the first
night I've ever heard M (I'll call her that for short considering I choose not
to reveal identities other than Gloria here... she gave me verbal
permission to do so, so I've been taking liberal freedom of writing about
what she put me
through with impunity) So anyway, back to the tale... M seems actually
interested in going out tonight. I'm a little disappointed since I don't really
feel well. All this time I've been wanting to get her out of the house, away
from the television, into a club, or a bar, or a restaurant... something. And I
can't do it because I don't feel well. And besides that I'm really into seeing
her since the discussions that I had with Cat and after that with my other
friend D who I haven't seen in forever, but made me really understand what I
really want in a woman. I've been thinking of her, wanting her, since I've
figured out what it was going to take to actually have her. She's interested. I
can feel it to some degree. She's at least willing to give me that chance. Now,
when I'm finally back in a position to take advantage of it, I'm sick.
Arrrrgggggh. Cruel fate... It could be so much worse I suppose. I wonder if I
was out partying all week prior to now if things would fall together like this
now. Sometimes I wonder how things in the universe are all tied together.

It seems that there are larger things at foot sometimes, but I'm not sure
exactly on what level. I'm pretty quick to dismiss the whole christian view of
god working in mysterious ways and all that though. God used to be big, larger
than simple personification of an old guy with a beard that was loving and kind
and all that. The old testiment god of spite and vengence... that's the god that
really seems to exist... at least in day to day life. And if ly own warped logic
holds it would seem to me that the gos concept evolved out of some prediliction
to explain the irrational ends to several things... like hurricanes, or floods,
all being of divine origin and therefore being "gods will" what would a kind
loving god have to do with such disasters? It's an age old question of theology,
and not onw that I prescribe the answer to here or elsewhere. My ideas being my
own however, I think that it's as easy to describe these events in terms of
vengeful gods as it is to think of them as caused by some closely analyzed
physical phenomena... therefore, it's easy to put faith in god where "god" is
little more than a natural phenomena or circumstance. This brings the whole
arrgument down to a simple argument of semantics. "God" is nature. Nature is
"god" in this old testiment context. I think that I believe that to a degree as
well. Now enter the picture of the new testiment, and jesus making profound
statements of love and tolerance of our fellow man, and there begins a moral
code of conduct and thought about what we are as a collective and which
direction we choose to shape our reality and we wind up traveling down the path
of logic that eventually tells us that we are god it some respect. Not any one
person that is, but as a collective, as a whole, humanity is god. We practice
self determination and if we want peace, we create peace, if we want war, we
create war. It is no god that unleashes these forces upon us as a whole anymore,
or at least the things that god does unleash we still feel a profound
helplessness against, like volcanos, or tornados, or other disasters of the
like. So, with all that responsibility and creating a world where we are as a
whole, God. What does that mean for the smaller, more subtle forces that act
upon us in day to day life. It means that someone's negativity can effect us, as
a meme traveling though space and time, it is communicated to us and we absorb
it's energy and we transmit it further until it loses it's energy or that energy
is transmuted by enough individuals that can absorb and transmogrify it into
something other than that negative energy that it is. Effectivly reaching the
end of it's negative line. this way the whole of humanity acts as both positive
and negative poles of some large cosmological battery that is capable of
producing large quantities of energy both positive and negative, that work in
some manner to cancel eachother out. So that's what we are essentially, bodies
in this large system to create and convert energy, on some physioemotional
level. I don't really believe all that.... my mind is just wandering and I'm
writing it all down, but still, I wonder if I read this tomorrow how much of it
I might still have cause to hammer into a more formalized document. Should be
interesting...

Oh well, M is on her way over, and I've got to somehow bolster my flagging
health so that I don't appear too sick and helpless. Lots of juice and vitamins...

More later

j-
--------

Another Thanksgiving come and

Another Thanksgiving come and gone. This has been one of the best trips back to
Louisiville that I've ever had. I ran into this girl that I've known forever
here... I haven't seen her in forever either... talked about her briefly in the
last entry, but last night when we hooked up she was on fire. She started saying
something to me that she never really got the chance to finish... I wonder what
it was.... oh well, regardless. I got to see again last night why I love her so
much. I've had thins thing about strong independant women, it's almost a fetish
for me, I love a woman who can stand up for herself, who can whip out the verbal
kung fu at the drop of a dime.... she's got all that. I wonder if it's not her
that placed that little bit of excentricity in my lust life. It's completely
possible, but I think that it was there before her. She's just one of the first
women that I realized that existed in. She's crazy. So I've been thinking about
this since I ran into her again, and I think I need to just write about it so
that I can verbalize it all... I never really dealt with the feelings that this
girl generated inside me. I meant it when I said that she was one of the most
influential females in my life. This girl has a tongue as sharp as a rapier. I
had a friend with me and he was really drunk, and we were talking about the bad
relationships we'd had and all that... I had to catch him up on the whole
situation with Gloria and all that because I hadn't talked to him in so
long, so he's drunk and getting a little bitter toward to whole divorce
and females we've loved thing... so he's being a little bitter, and drunk
which is a really
dangerous thing to be around said female above... She's all over him in the
blink of an eye, and with the false bravado of alcohol induced beligerance he
thinks he has a chance in hell against her. I was trying to intervien on his
behalf, but I could really only do so much. Besdies, once she gets going, it's
like watching a movie, a really fucking funny movie where the female lead just
tears into the supporting male lead role and he walks away with his tail between
his legs. I knew that's how this would end, it was inevitable. You have to know
this girl for years, inside and out to find a weakness to exploit in an
argument. You have to be quick, lithe, you have to have verbal defenses to back
up your verbal defenses... she can rea;;y be a stone cold bitch when she wants
to be. This on top of being one of the sexiest, most feminine of creatures god
ever graced the earth with... Oh my god and she can sing! Someone said that if
you had a clitoris, her singing would make it vibrate... I had to laugh. It's
true though... can't deny that. So I think that she let my friend of the hook
because either she wanted to be nice to me and not demolish someone that was a
friend, or because there just wasn't enough interest... probably the latter, but
I like to think it was a little of the former as well. So Anyway, I got to watch
her in action again, even if it was a kinder, gentler form of the same thing. I
have to respect that. Age has taught her kindness, compassion, wisdom, and
descretion. Those are hard things to learn. I think that she doesn't even
realize that those traits are as precious as they are. Like she thinks everyone
has them or something. It's not true though, everyone likes to act like they are
so good and kind. This woman puts on such a hard show though, but there is no
hiding that she's all that inside. When someone is truely, genuinely good it
comes out no matter what goes on or what the situation is...

So with all this ranting about the virtues of my friend, there would seem to be
this whole thing about saexual tension and all that. And I have to say that
given half a chance, I'd jump on that offer like a something on something...
insert your own colloquialism. Oh there is such a magnetism there. Such a
powerful draw. But I know it's not the right thing... whatever the right thing
is. She's with her match it looks like. She's not happy there, but she's with
the only person that can even begin to stand up to her on her level. I know that
I could never do that. I couldn't be on her level if I tried. It's not possible.
Besides, I'm not sure that I would want to be. Although it's a lot of fun to
think about. A *lot* of fun... oh well... so much for all that. It's nice to
think about having that fun with the woman I've been seeing too... and alot more
realistic. She's more my type as well, although somehow lacking the normal
psychotic behavior. At least so far. But you know the old saying... when the
cat's away the mind will play... my mind plays at all kinds of fucked up
scenarios, most of which would get me thrown in jail or beaten beyond
recognition, but you know. It's all just the work of a filthy mind.

I think I've figured out the approach I need to take with this new woman of
mine... I think I know what it is that she's into. She's giving me a chance to
get out of the friend zone. I have to take advantage of it. I need to be bold in
my approach, assertive without being intimidating. She needs to retain some
control, it's her personality. I don't mind that at all, I don't want to be in
control all the time. Not in the relationship at least. I want to be in control
of myself all the time, but that's a different thing all together. I can do that
for her though, I think that I would do things that I've not done before for
this girl. I think that I could do things that I would have been afraid of and
actually pull it off with her. It's definitely worth it... and I think that
she's worth it as well, we'll see if it's true in the next few weeks I think.

More later...

j-
--------

God, it seems like

God, it seems like a month since the last time I wrote anything here. It's taken
me a bit of time to compile my thoughts about my London adventure. I bitched
alot about it last week, hopefully I was able to convey how frustration the
whole thing was. It felt like there was nothing getting done, which is always a
frustrating feeling. The friend that I was working with was also very much in
the same space. I wrote this long letter to my bosses in the middle of all of
that crap, I let him read it even, and I said, "I'm going to send this off...
but I'll do it next week when I'm more calm" Thank god I had that bit of
foresight. I don't think I could possibly send that off at this point. In fact,
there's no way. It's funny how much bravado you can muster during times of
intense stress... actually it's not really even bravado. It is something else
completely. Stress, anger, frustration, it's not something you want to found
sound business dicisions on. That's what it boils down to I suppose. So it's now
round filed. For the time being I think I'll ruminate more before I offer my
suggestions. I've been in listening and learning mode for a long time, and I
suppose I'll fall back into it for now, it's a hard time due to the intensly
tight riegns kept on the financial side of things... I have alot of appreciation
for these guys though, they are doing a job that I am just not capable of. I
mean I can manage my own little mircocosm of the world, but anything larger than
that gets really confusing to me. That's why we have people to pay to do that
for us :-) Regardless... these guys are keeping the company as a whole on track,
and from a business perspective you have to respect that. It's really
interesting to work for some of the brightest business minds in the industry and
in this start up business, it's a level of interaction and influance that would
never happen in most corperations in the world. It's reallly a privledge. There
are things that I think are wrong of course, but what the hell, there are always
going to be things that are wrong. It's all a matter of the level of pain felt
by those things. Work must flow like a stream around the rocks and bumps that
impede the flow. Flexibility and adaptability are good things to carry into your
life as a whole, not just your work life however. It's something that I have to
remember and remind myself of from time to time... all the time.

I got to hang with my friend Cat.
I love her, she gives me such a different perspective on life. We didn't talk
for like ten years and hooked back up and I wouldn't trade her for the world.
All those morons (myself included)that said anything negative about her back in
the day, should all just piss off... so anyway, we hung out, went to the Mag Bar
which is this little local dive in Louisville that never got nominated as one of
the best alternative bars in the country, and therefor kept all the stupid assed
wanker yuppies out. I got to see the Love of My Life there as well, Dana... I
love Dana... she's been one of the most psychiclly influential people in my life
since I was a teenager. I was in love with her and ready to dump this hottie
romanian chick in order to be with her too... I don't think I told her about
that part... she has traumatically low self esteem, as did I back then, it would
have been tragic. But I ran into her again last night and she seemed to be so
together. So poised and healthy. It was uplifting. Of course, my honest take was
that she wasn't completely happy, but she did feel more together than she'd been
in the past.
It's a struggle for all of us though, to stay on top of that constant wave of
anxiety and adversity that is our lives. It's not an easy thing to do, some
handle it better than others. She's so strong though and so determined, I have
no doubt that she will make it in some way or another. She's beautiful. I hope
she continues to do well. She certainly spent a lot of effort trying to convince
me that she was doing well. Who am I to disbelieve... Of course, I know that no
man can make her as happy as I can, but you know how it is... so many women, so
little time... (<- false bravado statment of arrogance and over-inflated self
esteem) Seriously though, I'm in awe and disbelief a little at running into her,
she had that big an impact on me. I was thrilled to hear she's singing now, my
god the voice this woman had... has still I'm sure. Soulful as Janis Joplin,
smooth as Billie Holiday, and with the attitude of Aretha, all rolled into one
god inspired voice. It's no wonder I hated all music school vocalists after
hearing her sing, I'd heard perfection, I'd heard the sound of gods devine
musical inspiration coming through those vocal chords. She'd laugh at me and get
all coy and shy and shit to hear me say that, but I'm one of the pickiest vocal
critics there is. That's lot of the reason that I don't do anything with vocals,
it's because I only know of one woman on the face of the earth that I would even
think of having sing on an album. So needless to say, it's good she's finally
come into her own and started singing. Dana, if you ever read this. I love you,
I have since the day I met you, and all life seems pale to the light you bring
when you want to... I mean that.

So this is some strange surreal trip though time for me... I've seen the people
that I care about most in this town and had great conversations with each of
them. I also get to come back and deal with all these people with some sense of
accomplishment and self esteem. I didn't feel that when I was here last. I was
drowning in a sea of misery with Gloria brow beating me, and financially
draining me. I was low, feeling horrible, in a miserable job, with a miserable
marriage. I was spiteful, angry, frustrated with my own life. It's such a
difference to come back to meet everyone on a ground of satisfaction and
happiness. Having Cat glowing and rattling on and on about her new marriage
(which I was absolutely convinced it was a bad thing, but then maybe I'm biased
;-) was comforting too, she's in the same boat. Coming back with intense
feelings of accomplishment and happiness. It was great to listen to her, I have
never in my life seen her so happy. I don't think she ever has been. Oh and she
deserves it. I am not going to try to make any judgments anymore. She's so
intensly happy that if it lasts a day, a week, or a lifetime, it's still got to
be worth it. My own position is that I will be there to share her happiness
while she feels it, and if it turns to sadness eventually, I will be there for
her for that as well. I love my Cat, she's too special to condemn for something
like this. Speaking of my cat, I miss Sid (my feline cat) too, I havent' seen
him for over a week except for the 10 minutes between london and louisville that
I was at my apartment. I know he's got to be so lonely. It's getting to me too.
I'm not used to not having my cat around. I wish I could have brought him with.
Perhaps I will for Christmas. Anyway, more later... I think I'm going to take a
little jet lag nap...

j-
--------

Home again... after a

Home again... after a whole 10 minutes in the apartment, I had to run to the L
and back on the blue line out to O'hare and then on United (I made it just in
time to hear them announcing last call for boarding) It's been a long day...

I think too much. I've always had an over active intellect. I analyze things to
death, and then some. It's pretty crazy, but this girl I've been hanging out
with is like no one else I've ever met. She calls me out on the times when I
over analyze things that may or more than likely are not going on between us.
I'm such a freak. I'm also so used to drama that when it's not happening, I'm
tempted to do things to make it happen. It's a sneaky kind of subversion though
in that I'll think about the situation to the point that I'll start to dream up
things that are wrong, even if there is no evidence to support the ideas. So, my
task is to ignore all the things going on in my head and just chill out and not
freak myself out. No small task for me. But, as I've been told, "Analysis is
Paralysis." And all that. True enough in my case. At least that's where I've
been for a long time. This girl is going to challenge me, she's going to make me
work. It's a good thing. I have to let go of a lot in order to get into a better
mind space.

{big block of time later}

My mom is the greatest... shut up Matt... don't say anything about my mama ;-)
She's so cool and so wise. She told me today that she thinks that being in love
has nothing to do with love, it's more like mental illness. Her idea of "in
love" is that infatuated, irrational feeling that you get when you are head over
heals for someone. Although it would seem that her idea has a very negative
connotation compared to the head over heals thing. It's an interesting thing.
She said she thought I was in love with Gloria, and therefore willing to do
anything beyond any rational explanation to make things work. I think she's
right. There is definately a difference between being in love and loving
someone. It's like the difference between interest and obsession. In love is
irrational, it's self destructive. I think it's much better to love someone. To
be aware of that love, and accepting regardless of what might happen. So much
more healthy. Oh, ruminating on love, perhaps I'm getting to be too muuch of a
romantic in my old age... or whatever. Perhaps I just need to get some sleep...

jet lag sucks...


j-
--------

It's saturday. 4:30 pm

It's saturday. 4:30 pm and raining. It's been forever working a sixteen hour day
yesterday and today doesn't look any better. At least today there is bandwidth.
That's better than yesterday. The firewalls are all fucked up and getting a VPN
connection set up is looking less and less likely. This is all so frustrating.
Running into one wall after another after another. And only here for a week. I
promised my family I would be back for Thanskgiving and spend time there since I
haven't been home in almost a year. It's looking like this situation is not
going to go as well as I would like for it to. I have to keep reminding myself
of the problems though and not get discouraged. It's not like we're getting
nothing done. It looks better, it acts better. There has been a lot of progress
made. But it's still not there completely. It's the pace that kills me. Crawling
along like a snail is not my style really. I don't even know what to say today
really, I'm burnt out, I'm frustrated, and I can't wait to get this coming week
off, even though I know I'll be working from home to some degree. Probably to a
large degree if this week is any sign. Anyway... I want to call this girl. I've
been thinking a lot about her. Our conversation the other day (morning for her)
while doing much to lift my spirits, worried me. Not that I have any real reason
or cause of worry, but it did none the less. I'm going to resist the urge to
call though...

more later... back to work for now...

[ a bit later...]

Yes! Finally something went right. This has been the most frustrating week since
I was married. But now the firewall is up the VPN is connected and all is well.
We're going out for a smoke and pizza tonight. My trip to london has been a
total and complete bust. I saw none of the city, got to do no partying or any
raucous behavior while I've been here. It sucked. Oh, The UK is great, the
people are great, the women are beautiful the town is gorgeous... but my time
here has sucked. Such is life. Hopefully I can come again and get smashed when I
do... I'm tired now, and I was hoping just one thing would go right. It did.
Finally in the last twelve hours of my time here, it did. It was not worth the
wait, but hey, I've got time off next week and hopefully I'll recover then. I'm
so stressed right now it will take me a week to come around to feeling normal
(or at least my equivalent of it) anyway. Now it's time to go for a bit of
herbal refreshment and food.... and it's only 9 pm... it's been a long day. But
not the 17 hour day of yesterday... just a normal 10 hour day...

I'll write again when I get back to the states...

j-
--------

Well, I couldn't help

Well, I couldn't help myself. I called her this morning. It sounds like I'm giving her a nervous breakdown or something... I hope that's not the case. Seems a little odd to get so high strung over some bit of conversation. I don't know, perhaps I'm a little much for most as well. It's entirely possible. Regardless it was really nice to hear her voice. And chat. So I called and it was like 7:45 am there, and I couldn't wait any longer because I was wanting to call from the moment I woke up... It's a 6 hour difference so in order to talk to her at a normal hour, she would have to leave work about 4 hours early. That's not going to happen, so I called this morning instead. (Or afternoon here... time conversion is a new thing for me) So anyway, It's really early and I've had about 16 cups of coffee and I'm anxious and excited because I want to hear her voice and so I call, and I'm on the phone and I get the answering machine (which I expected,) so I start to leave a message and this groggy voice answers... "Hullo..." And I'm all excited because it's her MAN! IT'S HER!!!! you know? And I'm like, "What's up? Whatcha doin'?" Which I know the answer to that question because I woke her up... I know it, she knows it... so she says, "Bakin' a cake." I laughed my ass off. It was so completely over the top. I couldn't believe it, I was like "Wut?" It was so funny... she's like "Isnt that what you're supposed to do at 7:30 in the morning?" I love this girl, even if things don't work out for whatever reason as I suspect that one day they won't because we're both too freaky to actually let things work out in a casual easy way, I'll still be in love with her because she's so funny and so outrageous. Anyway, I can't wait to see her again...

So on to other things... BT sucks as a phone provider. I'm convinced that the ony reason phone providers have all the business that they do is because they're f*cking monolopies. No one in their right mind would allow this level of crappy assed customer service if it weren't for the fact that there is no one else in the entire calling area to get service from. It sucks. I hate phone companies. I can't wait for wireless. It will make this horrible dependancy on land lines go away and then what will they do? Aaarrrrgggghhh.... so anyway, one day I hope to get something done in this office, but it's going to have to wait because of unforeseen issues with the phone comanies. Did I mention I hate phone companies? They suck and all that... oh, I did? Good. Anyway. Off to sleep. I'm dead on my feet tonight...

j-
--------

Ahhhh... sleep... You never

Ahhhh... sleep... You never really know how much you miss it until it's not there. I'm sleeping on this little rock of a bed. And this is coming from a guy who sleeps on a futon matress... so I'm on this little rock of a bed, and it's the most comfortable thing in the world to me, at least it was last night. After a few pints, I passed out at about 8pm and woke up a little after 8:30am when Ty finally woke me up. I have to say, I really like working with Ty. I'm getting on his nerves a bit with my whole "Don't feed the negative energy into it" thing, but you know... if I didn't do that I think I'd get a little defeatist. That doesn't do anyone any good, so better to keep up appearances I suppose. He's great to work with though. I've got a great deal of respect for the man, especially after our swapping of tales last night. It turns out that we have a lot more in common than I thought. Good thing too, I can't say I know anyone in a similar spot to my own, but he's there, he can relate. I have to appreciate that. Works like a dog too, which is also comforting when there is a ton of shit to be done... speaking of which... back to work for me too... more later...

[big chunk of time later...]

AARRRRHHHHHGGGGG! BT is one of the worst Telco's on the face of the earth... they rank right down there with BellSouth and Bell Atlantic... they might even rank lower... what do I know though. I get crappy service from all telcos... so in my opinion they all suck. It's been a frustrating day at the office. Too many delays too much push back from vendors.... and I've been all jacked up on coffee so I'm ready to go, but nope. Can't. It takes Exec VP's from BT to raise hell just in order to get an engineer out to test the line and get things moving. Crazy. It's the same all over the world apparently, it's not what you know, but who that maters.

So I've been really busy. I haven't even really had time to miss this girl that I'm so into. It's a good thing I think, we left off on sort of odd circumstances. I think that she's not ready for any sort of commited relationship. That's okay by me however, to some degree. I'm up for a casual thing if we can remain friends and still go out occasionally. I'm not really too impressed with the idea of settling down completely. I am however ready to go out and have a lot of fun, so perhaps she'll be into that by the time I get back. I was going to tell her before I left... I think what she really needs to do is go out, pick someone up, have wild crazy monkey sex for a day or two, see how she feels from there and see if she's into continuing that or if she's into something else. It's what I would do in her spot. Regardless, I think that I would like to keep seeing her, and I think that I'll be fine with whatever she thinks is appropriate... she's a hottie though so being male and everything I have to say it would be nice to um... get a grove on wit' dat... if you know what I mean...

[another big chunk of time later...]

So now I'm back. Sitting on the floor of the flat we've rented because a crappy hotel like Holiday Inn cost approximately 400 pounds a night in central london from what I'm told. So anyway, it's late... I'm ready to go to sleep. but my room scares me. Everything here is so old. I mean, the flat we're in is older than the US... and in many ways it still looks better. Hell, it's looking better than my apartment. It's wierd though... it's got this creepy little room under the stairs with this little table and little chair, and somewhere in the corner there is a little kids underwear that have been "messed" if you know what I mean.... that's just fucking freaky if you ask me. I mean, this place is so old, and all that shit looks like it's been there forever, so I'm thinking, "What kind of haunted pedophile torture chamber of a place is this?" But other than that it's okay. So far, no ghosts of kids have woken me up in the middle of the night, but I'm not necessarily sure it won't happen yet. We'll see. And if it does happen, I'll write about it right here, so check back. If I'm not back in the states by the 20th, then assume that some fucked up Blair Witch type thing happened and I've been killed by all the children buried in the basement. So anyway... off to sleep...

j-
--------

Oh wow... I'm in

Oh wow... I'm in london. It's a really incredible city. It's absolutely the most enormous huge mess of a tangled sprawl that I've seen in my life. I'm so dead, I got no sleep on the plane. I'm drinking coffee, and my computer is still reminding me of what time it is on the states (3:16am) so this is going to be one long assed day. Can't wait to go out drinking at the pubs tonight ;-) This should be interesting. I'm incommunicado other than e-mail, no phone, no money, no nothing... but it's tuesday here already so perhaps it won't seem nearly as long until I get paid... Until then, I'm freeloading... It's the ultimate in buddhist philosophical practice though... it's almost as good as walking around with my begging bowl. But with more caffeine and cookies. New poems to be posted soon, there's not much to do when you are sleepless on a red eye flight to london. And my music tends to freak out the natives...

Ahhh... off to work... more later...

j-
--------

Well, it seems to

Well, it seems to be completely true... Nice guys do indeed finish last.
I'm sweet, I'm attentive, I'm understanding, but I still can't get laid to
save my life. Ahhh well... c'est la vie. I appreciate the sense of
confusion that comes with being confronted with something outside of the
realm of day to day experience or outside of the norms we create for
ourselves. I had to be an asshole when dealing with Gloria, I had to be
hard and pretend to be emotionally solid when I wasn't. I'm glad to be through with all of that. So my grand experiment of turning myself into the nice ideal human being who treats people with sensativity and respect is going a little roughly however. It seems to elicit unexpected responses... it was a good idea though. I think that the more I'm into this girl the more confusing it gets. I'm not into testing her though. I've been through all of that. I've also been through the frustration and heart ache that sort of confusion brings. What it really boils down to is this... am I ready to take on another "project". Am I ready to do all the patient loving work it takes to help someone understand that you're not interested in taking advantage of them, or treating them like shit, or all that. But even that is a conditional argument. I mean if it's the right person, if there is good chemestry, if there are enough equal points of relation that allow for levels of communication above and beyond that of the simple small talk... whatever. I don't know. I think she's worth it on some level but she's got some issues to work through. I'll be gone for a couple of weeks. I won't be talking to her, so that will give her plenty of time to figure things out. If she's interested when I come back then perhaps I'll actually get the chance to get laid and still be a nice guy. If not, I suppose I'll just be the hard bastard that I was and do the dating thing all over again. I don't really want to do that though. It sucks, I like myself better when I'm beig thoughtful and happy. I suppose there is something of a happy medium somewhere, but where? Where does one draw the line. what is the balance between being a healthy happy person and an agressive asshole who's only after sex? It's all too confusing, perhaps I'm not ready for the dating world yet considering my inability to make the choice to be an asshole. Frankly I don't care what happens, but some sense of clarity would be nice. If all else fails I still think that I would be happier alone and empty than in a fucked up relationship that is emotionally and mentally abusive. (And in some cases physically abusive as well). I suppose that there are people out there that are more interested in maintaining those sorts of relationships. Perhaps out of habit, or for lack of feeling any other option. I don't know. I can't even begin to imagine the reasons anymore, at least not at the moment. But I can say that if that is more important than what I have to offer, I can step aside gracefully. (Or run away as fast as possible as the case may be) Considering that I've already gone through more drama than I could endure in good conscience. So, no more drama for me... Be upfront and honest, and if that doesn't work, then I'll move on...

More later... the next entry will probably be from london if I manage to write while I'm there...
--------

Holy Fucking God! That

Holy Fucking God! That was absolutely the funnest time I've had since I moved to this god forsaken sprawl of a town. My head is spinning, my ears are ringing, my ass is sore from dancing... holy shit dude. That was one of the best damned shows I've ever been to. Anyone and everyone should go see Southern Culture on the Skids at least once in their life time. Unless they're like 90 they will have one kick ass time as long as they can shake their ass a little. I had so much fun. Uuugghh, now if only I could keep the keyboard from spinning while I type. Foretunately I'll be up for a bit while the noise dies down in my ears, so I can take my time and try to cover up all the mistakes I'm making as I type this. Oooooh, and that bass player with the beehive... I'm in love... and I mean luv baby... so there was this chick there and she was this pretty sexy blond and she was there by herself trying to avoid all her friends, so she and I start talking and hitting it off pretty well... we wound up hanging out for the majority of the night. She was cute. It was a good thing. I didn't get her number or anything, but then again I didn't really want it. It was just nice to take my mind off my other female problems for a bit. I looked like hell, I know, I was in the think of the crowd dancing my ass off and sweating like mad, but she'd been drinking all night so alcohol was on my side. It was good to hit on someone and have her be somewhat receptive. It was a good ego boost after the "just friends" thing that's been plaguing me. My beutiful friend the angel of darkness (that's just her nickname) confirmed for me that the only way out of the arangement is to treat her like shit. Too bad. I don't think I have it in me. I'm probably just going to say something to the effect of "I have enough friends" and call it quits. The whole friend zone is just frustrating to me right now... I hate to say it but I'm really fucking sexually frustrated too.... I mean, every female in the room looked good to me tonight, that was the real tip off... so, it's definately time to look for something more than "just friends"... alright, I'm going to go drink a bunch of water and go to sleep... tomorrow is laundry day and then off to london (i hope)

more later...
j-
--------

I actually got out

I actually got out tonight... "on a school night" as I was told... funny. I
haven't thought about being out, or going to see a show in a while. All of the
sudden I'm interested in this new girl, I'm feeling like there is some bit of
life left in me after all, but I'm conflicted. First things first... I saw an
incredible show. Broadcast. If you get a chance to go see them, go see them. It
was amazing. I wish I could have seen them last night (the 8th) with The Sea and
Cake, but whatever. They were incredible. They are true artisans of the newly
evolving genre of art school noise rock. They stem from that same vein of music
that produced such greats as Stereolab. Another big favorite of mine, but these
people are on a different level. Perhaps a little more raw, perhaps a little
less refined, and granted, I haven't seen Stereolab live yet, but these kids
could really make some noise. It was quite a show. All I could say for about 15
minutes after the set was over was "Wow." I was completely blown away. My date
had a good time too, she was very enthusiastic after the show. It wasn't her
normal listening habit, which is always a good thing. What a great show. So she
enjoyed it, I enjoyed it... all was well with the world, so why the
conflictedness? Well here it is... I really, really dig this girl. I'm stuck
though. I mean really stuck in "the friend zone." I'm afraid that I'm going to
have to stop seeing her, because all it's ever going to cause me is some degree
of frustration. Too bad too, she's almost everything I'm attracted to, and
everything I'm looking for. Sharp wit, attractive body, long dark curly hair. Oh
god I love that... but it's that friendship thing... I wouldn't mind if I
tohught for a second that there was hope of changing her mind. But she's not
trying, and I wind up carrying most of the conversations. I suppose that a
little one sided chemistry is not enough to carry a relationship to the next
level is it... oh well. C'est la vie. She's so attractive though. Ahhhhh.... I'm
going to london. It's going to be a good break from thinking about her. I
suppose that will have to do. I think that I'll say something to her before I
go. Maybe.... maybe not... perhaps I'll just let it drop... doesn't seem she'd
notice on some level. I think I would like for someone to notice if I didn't
call (not to the degree that S. noticed when I didn't call, but to some degree
at least).

Oh well... great music, great company, and a little confused meloncholy... that
about sums up the day... more later.

j-

It seems that I'm going to have to put up a disclaimer. Some people don't quite understand how to read my work. That's not a real problem from my perspective, but at the same time, there seems to be some unecessarry reaction. I appreciate peoples concern about my well being, but I assure you all that I'm well. Relatively speaking at least ;-) Here's the lowdown... I'm an ex punk rock artist/poet/musician that writes some pretty dark things. Some of them come out in this journal. Alot of them actually. But take it all with a grain of salt. The title is after all "thoughts, rants, and raves..." This journal is a journey through my mind at the moment. It's not meant as anything more serious than a few rambling ideas about this or that. So, some people will read it and think I'm depressed. Some people will read it and think I'm crazy, some will think I'm a freak. Some will think that I express too much that shouldn't be said in public or that ought to be bottled up and pushed down deep inside so that do one ever knows of the darkness that lies within. SOme might even read it and think that I'm really in touch with myself and how I feel. I even had someone tell me that they fell in love with me because of something I wrote. They wouldn't tell me what, so I can't point you directly to that page, nor can I even imagine what it might have been, but that was an honest to god reaction. So, what's right? What is correct about me? I don't know, be your own judge. Just remember to take everything in context. One day is not a whole in the life of anyone, but more like a snapshot of a moment. That's what a journal is for. It's a snapshot of the mental landscape. It's a way to gauge the changes from one day to the next. I've gone through what I consider to be hell. Some will think I'm a big pussy for not dealing with it better and in a less vocal manner, what ever that means. But what the hell, my own thought is that if I get this out, that if I write about it and get the story out then it affects me less. It was started as my own personal therapy, and it's ended up as something that I enjoy doing now from day to day. You can always tell when I'm interested in a woman too because the entries become more infrequent ;-) But still... I write because it feels good. I write because it's the easiest way to create when I'm working a stressful job that takes up more of my life than anything should. I write because in confronting those inner demons perhaps I can gain some perspective on my own life. So, read if you will, I enjoy the audience. Or if it's too much, or too intense, don't read. But rest assured that if I were ever going to do anything as stupid as off myself. I wouldn't announce it here... It would have to be somewhere like Times Square or something like that... that's just much more my personality...

j-
--------

You know, I hate

You know, I hate it when some stupid little trite sound bite in an ad for like a movie or something rings through with just enough truth of my own life as to strike some profound chord in me. It just happened, this dumb assed romantic comedy movie add crap, ooooh, that makes it even worse is it's some stupid romantic comedy...AAAAHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Fuck. That's what my life is coming down to is some stupid assed sound bite in a romantic comedy. I hate that and consequently, that mean I hate my life. At least I do today. Who knows, tomorrow might change, but still... for the moment I hate the fact that my life resembles the more depressing moments of a romantic comedy. Namely there is this sound bite that says something about the last call of the day, and all that. I think I miss that most of all... the idea that someone, somewhere thinks about you before you go to sleep. That's security. That's something that is deep and profound and real. What do I do before I go to sleep? I write in this journal. Mostly because I have no one other than myself to talk to anymore. Everyone has moved on and I'm still here. Now I'm here alone. It's not fun. It's also not easy at all. I miss having someone to lay in bed with and talk to. Someone to just have bizarre flight of fancy discussions about everything. All this silence gets deafening after a while, all I hear is myself, all I can talk about is myself, when I should be talking about someone who is making some difference in my life...

I was asked today how my morale is... I almost wanted to laugh. My moral sucks. I want some reason to fall apart. I want some excuse to let everything go to hell and not try to get it back. I was the person that held it all together for five years. I was the person that took the responsibility and kept things running as smoothly as possible. Now what do I have to show for it? Fucking nothing... I'm the one that is made out to be a villain in everyone's eyes (with the exception of my family who has been wonderful). I'm fucking depressed, lonely and stuck in this town where I don't know anyone. I've been working my ass of for a company that's just as likely to go under as the rest of all those fucking dot coms out there and my compensation sucks. I'm tired. I'm full of more heart ache than most people generate in their life times, only mine is concentrated into a very small time line of about five years and it makes me feel grotesquely dirty, and guilty to have lived and experienced the things I did under the circumstances that I did. I'm not healthy. I'm not even fun to fucking be around, why the fuck would anyone even remotely consider for a moment seeing me seriously. I don't even see myself that way at the moment... fuck... Back in the day I would have gotten drunk, played with razor blades, bled myself into unconsciousness and felt like there was a tomorrow to wake up to. Now with those fucking antidepressants in my blood which are obviously doing such a great job, I feel like I have to write about all the horrid feelings that are going on inside rather than getting them out in some physical manner that would be alot more productive. I'm fucking tired of talking to people, I'm tired of talk... I want action. I want to stand up in the ugly face of the world and punch it. I want to rail against authority and politics and the shitty decisions that we have to make on a day to day basis concerning the lesser of two evils. How many times have I heard, before and after an election that all we can really do is vote for the lesser of two evils. And heaven forbid vote for someone in a third party that might actually really give a damn about the politics being played. That would just split the fucking vote and the lesser of the two grand evils wouldn't get elected at all, but the greater evil would then prevail. Fuck it all... if you're going to throw away your vote anyway, go all the fuck out and vote for no one. And then when whoever starts to try and stick their big assed filthy paw into your pocket book, tell them "NO!", and when they try to tell you that you can't do this or you can't do that, give them a big "Fuck you!" right in the face. Tell them, "If you want to tell me what do do, I get to tell you too, Fuck yourself. Go Ahead, do it.. Fuck yourself." I'm fucking sick of people whining about politics. You know why politics sucks? Because it's fucking full of politicians! Go figure! Whatever happened to the days when real people that were effected by real issues got elected? It's been too long to remember for the majority of my generation, and the people that are in my generation that are into politics, god know I wouldn't trust their "My ideas are better than anyone elses" attitudes. Politics is a game. It's a game of give and take, and the more you give the more I'll take, and the more you don't' want to give, the more I'll make you give... It's nasty, it's bloody. It's that way from the first day you walk into a business... it's that way everywhere... it's all pervasive. God no wonder so many people want to off themselves... I would too if it weren't for these damned antidepressants... they make me think I'm too irrational when I get that feeling of blowing my head off. And god knows I am, but what fucking difference does it make, so is everyone and everything else... where is the rhyme or reason of dictating policy based on family relations and blackmail and who's sleeping with what interns and whos dad fucking puked on who's diplomat and who fucking stalked car industry professionals over thirty years ago, and we're all still listening to him because of that one thing. You know hoe I want in office? I want someone who is completely irrational, I want someone who feels the pressure of 250 million people breathing down his neck. I want the man who feels his penis shrivel at the thought that the decisions he's making today effect generations to come. I want the guy who goes to bed every fucking night thinking that the pressure is too much and holds the shotgun to his head, and doesn't pull the trigger, not because he doesn't want to, but because he's dedicated enough to put the gun down for another day. That if he didn't do it than some asshole that didn't care, and was only the lesser of two evils would take over for him. That's the guy I want running things. He's the guy with something to prove, he's the guy with no one on his side and he has to fight to make sure ever decision is the right one. Not because he's got the lowdown on who got blown by who in the back of the limo with so and so's entourage watching. That's the guy that is going to get shit done... in an honest way. Even if he fucks up it will at least be honest. I would say, that role could be a she. And frankly, a she would probably be much more level headed than any male, but lets not lie to ourselves here. Humans are only so evolved. It would blow too many peoples minds, and besides, no one could respect a female president that fucked an intern. Well, I could, but I'm one person. So the other 249,999,999 people out there would be enraged. And frankly let them be... If all we can do is worry about who's sleeping with who in the whitehouse or any other house, then we are far too repressed as a people to actually get anything done anyway. Fuck it. I'm going to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be better...

j-

PS - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

just had to get that out...
--------

I went to see

I went to see the most incredible movie yesterday. Dancer in the Dark. It stared Bjork in one of the most powerful, understated, compelling performances that I have ever seen. Of course there is a difference between someone like Anthony Hopkins in Titus and Bjork in this film. But that's not at all to detract ffrom her performance. It was fucking incredible. The story was so poigniant, so stirring. There was not a dry eye in the theatre by the end of the film. It was drama at it's best. This film deserves some sort of oscar, for cinamatography, choreography, whatever, it completely blew me away. And Bjork, ahhhh... what can I say but I have a whole new appreciation for her as an artist, I love this woman. So now that I've raved about that a bit...

I had a really good day yesterday... I was going out with woman that I am infatuated with. And had a completely lovely day. I was late... the train was apparently not running on my schedule. Nothing new there... but it only gave us 15 minutes to walk to a theatre that was a good 30 minute walk away (actually probably 20, but still we would have been late) Got to meet her bosnian friend, a truely lovely woman with an almost obsessive attitude about weight, which made me laugh. Being the fat ass that I am, I kept telling her, you need to eat more... to which she would retort, But I do, I eat like a pig... she was really cute. So after the movie and hooking up with her friend, we all took off to meet a friend of mine at the Feast of Fools. It's a cabaret show hosted by a couple of really talented drag queens, and various assundry performers doing various assundry things with their bodies, or with bizzare musical instruments, or with scripts that have been concocted for the occasion. It was a good night, it was a good show, it was fun in general. I want to say everything was cool, and all was well, but this is the same person that wanted to be friends earlier in the week and as much as I want to make some sort of move, I know that the attraction is not mutual. What do you do at that point other than walk away gracefully. She's like one of the gang though so I can't imagine that I can simply walk away. There is that sort of bond that we have both acknowledged. I don't know, I suppose I'm just in a difficult spot, wanting to start dating again, start rebuilding some sort of intimate life without the pain and struggle of dating. Dating sucks. Unless it's something happening to someone else for your amusment, dating sucks.Good thing though, I finally figured out who this girl reminds me of, and it is destinctly not a good thing. I had a girlfriend for about a week in high school that was a complete tramp and slept around with everyone. Should have been a clue, she was after all interested in me. And the all my friends, and then all of their friends... so needless to say, there was not a good connection there. Behavior and personality are completely different that that old high school thing but her face is very reminicent. He body is different, and in alot of ways much, much more attractive (as in she has a distinct shape and style of adorning herself) where as the person she reminded me of was just a skanky red neck chick (hmmm, perhaps that would have been clue number 2 back in the day... I was so stupid back then). So that's kind of a killer for the attraction thing if I let it be. It doesn't really work for the personality thing which is more what I've always been attracted to (except in the previously mentioned case). She's really funny, she likes to catch people off guard with her humor and make them think that she's being really serious, it's one of those things that if you're thinking about it, you realize she's joking, but if you're not on yout toes, you'll react in a way that is completely falling into her little trap... I've seen her do it a few times now and I have to say that it's always good for a laugh. It's a pretty sophisticated sense of humor at that... I can appreciate that. When I'm not tired and of my guard, I can appreciate it...

Oh well, off to the grocery... more later...




So there is this nagging little question going on in the back of my mind. Is it possible for there to be someone out there that has thoughts of me when I'm not there... Okay, lets rule out Gloria, and all those people that hate me and would like to kill me. Take them off the list, I'm talking about purely positive good feelings from people completely unprovoked, completely independant of any direct intervention on my part. Somehow at this point in may life, barring those that have already been disqulified and family members, I doubt it. Just a feeling I have... Okay, I'll be more specific because it would take a monkey not to know where I'm going with this anyway. There is a point in your intimate life where it becomes nice, comforting in fact to accept that there is someone out there thinking of you daily, whether you are there or not. That you are on someone's mind and they hold you in that place that is somewhat dear to them is a very special feeling. It lifts you up, it bolsters your energy. There is this book I'm reading, it's all about developing a theory of everything. It's kind of like a grand unifying theory that rreadches beyond physics and tries to fit religion, ethics, etc, all under the same umbrella as well... no small task. I have to say, I kind of agree however, there is a tragic lack of acknowledgement in the scientific communitee for things that can not be measured quantitativly. Not only does that extend into areas like psychology, sociology, etc. But those phenomenon that reach beyond human understanding (i.e. intuition, etc). I don't know how much faith I put in those ideas, but I do recognize them all as distinct possibilities. So with that in mind, we can draw some sort of corelation between the magical healing power of prayer and all that, and the idea that by holding someone in a positive light in your mind that somehow you can change their reality to reflect the positive energy that you are devoting towards that cause. Don't ask me to prove that. I can't, but I remember feeling a lot better when someone I cared about was thinking about me. It's an emotional thing I know. So, aspiring scientists, and whacked out theologens, there's something to go prove the existance of. As for me, I'm just going to hold on the the faith that someday, there will be someone in my life that fits that bill again.

j-
--------

I'm too tired to

I'm too tired to be optimistic anymore. My ego is so fragile, and it's
fucking hell trying to keep myself feeling positive and upbeat all the
time. I'm starting to believe that my life will never take a normal turn
and that I'm going to be stuck as this fucked up emotionally damaged
broken thing. Perhaps she's right, perhaps I'm not ready to really date
again yet. I'm trying to rush what is a long recovery period. I've been
through that whole cycle of jumping from relationship to relationship and I don't want to continue it. But at the same time, it would be nice to distract myself from the devistating loneliness that I feel. I keep telling myself that it's only temporary, that it's all going to change, it just takes time. I listen to the stories I have to tell, and listen to the words as they come out telling about the things I've been doing. And frankly it scares me. I feel like the most abominable person on the face of the earth. I'm guilty for having followed Gloria into the depths of her madness, for having enabled her to get away with her abhorant behavior, and for not stopping when she was doing something that was emotionally damaging to the relationship and to me. I could have said "No" so many times. I could have been more concerned with my self, and my well being. I wasn't, I just didn't care anymore. Sometimes I wonder how much I care now... I feel like I'm losing my voice. Like the words that have been coming so easily lately are no longer on the tip of my tongue. I want to smash things and break them, but I don't. I want to go get hideously fucked up and destroy myself, but I don't. And right now I can't imagine why in the world I don't... I have no reason, I really don't care about anything, I really am not excited about anything, I really don't feel any real potential coming from anywhere. I feel winter coming on, I feel the weather turning crappy, and I feel like I'm always walking around in a half daze. I don't sleep, I try to avoid eating at all costs, and I don't like dealing with people that I don't know. Jesus, it sounds like I could go right back to being the antisocial freak I was before I left town and decided to try and make a better life than I had. It's so easy to fall back, it's so difficult to keep climbing. Isn't it possible to get a break? Is it possible to put all those burdens down for a short time, only to rest before you pick it up and carry on again? I need a vacation. I need a lover. I need a cigarette...

I need to go to sleep and wake up to a new day...
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