Happy New Year!
I think I finally know what's going on. I have some bit of clarity about my personal relationships, my business dealings, and my life in general. So what changed? I don't know, probably nothing. I spent a lot of time over the past few days with this girl I've been seeing. I even got to meet her sister, and her sisters lover... what an awsome couple of people. They are incredible. I'm not going to get into detail here, but suffice it to say that they are some of the funnest people I've met. Aside from all that I think I finally know what's going on with this girl, although I don't know quite how to deal with it. But hey, the hard part of figuring it out is out of the way. Here's my diagnosis, or more to the point, here's how I see the whole thing... I think that either 1) she's gay and not realized it yet, she denys this as does everyone who isn't really sure what they are yet, but I'm inclined to believe her, or 2) She's confused about what it is that she does want and in thinking about it sways drastically from one side to the other about what she does want. Here's how I see it playing out though, this is my prediction... she's going to figure out what she does want, realize that it's not me, and she's going to go after it. It hurts to think that, but at the same time I really think it's a good thing and for the best, I mean there is still hope that she'll realize I'm the greatest guy on earth and swoon over me, but if she doesn't feel that way by now, I really doubt she's going to. C'est la vie. I don't know, I don't really have my hopes up for anything at the moment though. Now that I'm pretty sure what's going on though, I can act accordingly. I can also guage my own emotional involvment and keep myself at a safe distance... oh fuck. who am I kidding? I don't keep myself at safe distances, I'll wind up getting in head over heals, and it will play out just as I described, and I'll be heart broken. But hey, it's not so bad being heart broken. There are worse things in life... like being dead for instance. Besides, if I can be part of the catalyst that brings someone to some level of enlightenment in their own life, that's a pretty special position to be in. And she makes me look at things in ways that I didn't before. There are some down sides though. I'm confused about what signals she sends, and what they mean. And we still have some real awkwardness sexually and intimately, I think that the whole idea scares her to some degree though. It goes back to that confusion thing. She's great though, what ever happens I'm not going to think bad of her. It's been a great friendship and interesting relationship. And it's helped clarify some traits that I'm really attracted to in a partner. Who knows, one day I might even decide to grow up and be more like her too, considering some of her traits that I am attracted to ;-) Don't hold your breath though, it would still mean growing up to some degree. So, with that clarity, I start the new year. I look forward to what this new year brings. I've made some bit of a resolution for the new year. It is simply to not dwell on the relationships of the past and the heartaches that are ongoing from those times, and make the most out of the moments that are given to me. Cheers to the new year...
Happy New Year!
Okay, very odd things are happening. I've had to resort to reading my horror-scope to make sense of it all. I'm falling into this sort of romance thing with someone that I think is very special. She's gorgeous. Funny, intelligent. And runs from relationships like mad. Until last night at least. I don't know, I realize that we are at a beginning. I also realize that I am unlike any person she's normally been involved with, which is not a bad thing necessarily... and she... she is like no one I've ever met. But then, perhaps I'm a bit biased. I don't know, I'm going to take it one day at a time... I have no real expectations. I'm still recovering from an abusive relationship and still reeling from a divorce and all that. But all things considered, I'm in a really good spot.
Okay, let me get this out now because it needs to be said on some level... and then I'll put it in perspective... I think I'm falling in love with this girl. There, it's out. Now, perspective... i look at being "in love" as a mental illness of sorts. Temperary insanity where hormones and infatuation overwhelm the senses and make someone who is normally sensible and coherant a total babling idiot. So what am I saying here? I'm a babbling idiot... yes, that is indeed it, this girl makes me stupid. But, like temporary insanity, it is only temporary after all. That's a good thing. And to be honest, it feels good to look at someone and have my heart fill with overwhelming emotion simply because it can, for no better reason than it's possible. I don't really care how long it might last, or to what end, it's not even a concern at this point. Ahhhh... so tomorrow when she changes her mind how will I feel... that's the real question. It's an odd relationship we are building, but we get along rather well... and she's a fucking hottie... oh, did I say that? I meant to use my inside voice...
So now that's all said and done... I feel like such a sloth as of late. Nothing is getting done, it's the post-holiday coma. Nothing is going to get done until New Years... I'm still trying to figure out what to do on the music front, My friend Jonathan and his project... man they're fucking great. I'm really impressed with how far he's come along. My own hacking attempts at sound seem to pale in contrast. I've got such incredibly talented friends, I've always been fortunate in that. But I feel so weak by comparison. And now I feel stagnant as well. Something needs to happen. Perhaps it will... but it seems that it won't until after New Years. Something in my head is struggling to break free, but until it does, I suppose I won't know what it is... I suppose we'll just have to wait and see.
Oh well... more later...
Two days before Christmas. 1998. Gloria Leaves me... again. Two days
before Christmas. 2000. I'm alone. Last night I got stoned and laid by a
beautiful woman who doesn't appreciate her own self worth. Still I'm here alone. Listening to TOm Waits sing christmas carols on PBS. I haven't heard from anyone in Louisville in a while. I'm not oging home to visit friends or family. It's actually comforting in a way. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do. More offers keep rolling in for positions at other companies. Even got a lead on something in Hong Kong... do I really want to move to Asia for 6 months? 2 years? I don't know. It's tempting... especially in a period of life where I'm so eager for change. Being the typical gemini that I am however, I'm also eager to settle down and figure out the direction I want to take in a more subdued manner.
I've been taking a break from writing in this for a while. I suppose that
something someone told me, or more to the point, asked me, actually had an
effect. "Why do you keep your journal online?" She was very anti the whole
idea. I think that other than telling the world exactly how bad I am at
spelling (I don't use no stinking spell checker), that there really is no
harm in talking about the people, places, and things that I do. Granted,
there have been some pretty fucked up points in my life where things have
not seemed to be completely healthy, but you know, if you don't go through
those times, how can you really appreciate the good things. Frankly, I
think that the reason I do this is to get the thoughts out. I live alone
now. The holidays are coming up, I'm trying not to get into a funk over
being away from home and away from loved ones, and in particular, away
from "someone" who loves me, during the holidays. It's a hard thing. I was
talking about it with a friend of mine during lunch. A lot has happened
during the last year. My responsibilities at work have changed, the entire
environment here has changed, and with the market the way it has been,
it's been a rocky road. On top of that, I got divorced. (I'm trying to do
this somewhat chronologically) We were seperated for a long time, but we
were still in contact. It's good to not have to deal with Gloria now, it's
been a couple of months, my life is finally settling down from all that
crazy shit that she brought to the table. I feel healthy. I feel happy.
But I miss having someone that is there and comfoting through this time of
year. It's a time for family, and I had a family once upon a time. I don't
feel like I do now. I feel like a complete loner. I mean I know that my
own family is there for me and all that, but I mean something different.
It's a difficult thing to make the transition from having a wife and
child, to having nothing. Not even silverware. I've tried to keep my head
up over it, and I've been out and had some great times, and will again,
but it just keeps coming back to, I'm alone during christmas. Hell, even
Gloria has her new adoptive family... her boyfriend and his son. Fuck it,
I guess it's not really her I miss anyway. I miss Isabelle. I miss
Isabelle dreadfully. Children are the spirit of Christmas. So loving, so
giving. I miss the family, the idea of a nice stable wife (the reality was
never quite there), the children (specifically Isabelle), the visits to
family and inlaws, I suppose that after all the difficulties, I really liked my inlaws, they are good people, they really wanted to do the right thing... their means might not be what I would choose, but their goals were just. The grandparents... my own grandparents died when I was so young, that I only really remember my grandfather on my dads side. And even that's been almost a decade. It was nice to have extended family again, even if only for a few years. I miss the family package. It was a good thing despite my psychotic ex. So I suppose that it's going to be a long holiday season this year, it's going to be hard... the reality of being divorced and single and in a new city will hit me this year, more so than it ever did in the past. I think that is why I keep writing here. Because regardless of how raw the emotion, regardless of how bad I feel, I can write it here, and it's out of me. It's like cutting away a malignant tumor or something, once its out, it's not going to cause any more trouble. I could always talk to Gloria about this sort of shit. About all the backlog of feelings and anxiety and emotion that bubbles up to the surface. That's why I write it down now, because I'm alone, because I need to get it out, and because now there is no other outlet than this. And probably no better outlet than this either... I don't want to burden friends and family with this, they all have their own problems, situations. Yeah, writing is the best option for now. So here it is... that's my answer. Why do I do it, because I'm alone. God now I really feel like a loser. I think I'm going to go take a nap now.
Just for the record, Gloria and I were splt up more often during the
hoidays then we were together. I had one birthday that was good, and then
Gloria made sure that I suffered every birthday after that. Before we
chicago, she split up with me two days before Christmas, it was fucked up... so all things considered, and I weighed this option at the time... would I rather dies old and lonely, and young, mentally abused, and miserable? I opted for old and lonely. I suppose it just takes time to adjust to that idea... Perhaps when I'm better adjusted, I'll stop righting here... until then...
This is so crazy. One of my firends from long ago called. It seems that
he's getting some fame and starting to make some music along the way ;-)
His project (Audio Stepchild) is fucking incredible. I'm glad to see him doing so well.
Last time I saw him we had a blast. It was a fucked up trip but I still
had fun with him and his girl... damn! And now they have a girl, a baby
girl that is... that's incredible. I can't wait to see her, this child, if
she looks half as good as her parents ;-) damn, they told me that they
named her Isabelle, after the little girl that used to be so big a part of
my life. Okay, okay, they liked the name before they ever met Gloria or I
but still... it's good to think. I've been thinking of them alot lately too, wondering what they were up to and stuff. What a shock to think that they are parents now. What more of a shock to hear that he's got a record deal and he's making some incredible music. That's phenominal... it's also good because I think he's the only person on the face of the earth that has all the old music I did. My machine crashed and deleted probably a years worth of music that I'd done. I wasn't too worried about it because it was just experimental shit, and since all the source tracks were gone, there was no use in trying to reproduce it. Still, I had some good stuff, particularly a couple of spoken word peices that I had done. That was back in the day when people would call and leave poems on the answering machines and I'd take them and put some bit of music to them... I had so much fun doing those... there was this other peice that a friend of mine sent me all the sound clips to and I wrote music around it... it was epic... it was a huge peice of music, with three seperate poems interwoven through the peice. It was dramamtic to... oh god... and it's all lost... too bad too. It'd be nice to go back to and laugh at now... "damn, I was doin' what with that sample?" What a trip. they want me to add to their tracks... I suppose I need a good microphone now, but then... I have a studio at my disposal now... hmmmm this could be interesting... yes... interesting indeed... mmmmuuuuwwwaaahhhhhhhahaaaaaahhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaa....
It was amazing... I felt today for the first time in a long time... the
return of a sex drive. Well, okay, I felt it for the first time yesterday,
but then it happened again today. It was amazing. I mean you never really
understand what it's like to live without one until its gone, and then you
never really understand what it's like to really not have had one until
you have one again. So yesterday I thought it was a fluke. I thought that
there was something odd happening, but today it happened again and now I
feel pretty certain that there was just something not right before, and
that actually feeling sexually active is a whole new thing. I remember
once being so driven that I was littereally distracted by it. Then I went
on meds. I was depressed when I went on the meds and married at the time
as well, not a particularly happy situation either for that matter. So I
didn't really have a sex drive then. I was told by my shrink that the meds
would help that. Everything I've read since then seems to point to the idea that SSRI's are commonly known to have sexual side effects. Well, mister doctor, youdidn't tell me that now did you? Hmmmm... oh well, I'm taking myself off them now (Yes, I feel qualified considering all the doctors I was ever to were complete morons.). And I feel great, other than the fact that I still feel that vertigo feeling of the SSRI withdraw. That sucks, but it is easily managable with benedryl. I can take one now and it's fine. Before I was taking two or three in a period of about two hours to get relief. Now its more like one a night. And I can drink a beer to, if I want to just mellow it out without feeling nauseous... I'm not a big drinker though so one usually does. But tonight I've really cut loose and had two... ;-) I know, I know, better be careful... my dad will think I'm an alcoholic. hehehe... I guess I shouldn't mention all the drug use that I did then, I have a feeling that even though he doesn't know, he *knows* about that too though. I'm not too worried about it at this point in life. I have noticed sever complications with the med withdraw from pot smoking though. My advice to anyone stuck in a similar situation? Stop smoking pot for about a month, then ween yourself off the meds. That shoudl probably take about two months... I was on a pretty high dose. 40mills. So I cut it in half for a while, then took the 20 mills every other day (one month, and then every other day for two weeks) and then stopped completely. I'm still having withdraw, but I think that it was because I was not stringent enough in my pot abstenence. I noticed problems after smoking pot, every time after smoking pot. I have no will power though, I still smoked occasionally regardless. The problems were not enough to make me not smoke, but my useage was cut back drastically. I mean severely drastically. I smoked maybe twice during the cutback period and once during the withdraw period. Each and every time, independant of the level of SSRI in my blood stream, I still felt increased withdraw symptoms as a repercussion. Benedryl managed to quell the symptoms however, although higher doses were needed during the times that I was smoking pot as well. I know that this is hardly a scientific analysis of the effect and interaction of pot and certain SSRI's but I feel pretty safe in the assumption that there is a direct link between the effect of the med, its withdraw symptoms, and pot usage. So, don't smoke while you're trying to get off these things. So anyway. Now that that is said and done, I thought that my sex drive was just gone considering the fact that I was married to Gloria and how much emotional damage she'd done... of course, I thouhgt it was the meds too, which is probably more the case, but it's still fun to nail some of those things on Gloria given the opportunity. Trust me, if you knew her, you'd understand... so now that both are out of my life for good, perhaps I can go an and be happy and all that... not to mention that I can't wait to smoke pot again after all this crap is out of my blood... if only one last time to see what its like with out meds... I think that the next step is to get all the toxins out for a while, considering I've never really done that, not since I was a kid at least... it might be a good idea... God knows I'll write about it here if it happens... so, if I have to chart my mood today, since it might not be entirely possible to interpret from the body of this... I'd say that it's been good today. I'll have to go into work tomorrow though so it's subject to change ;-)
Okay, so I'm at this party tonight and it's completely freaking me out. I don't
know what it was. I think that thered was just too much going on in me all at
once. Perhaps it's the med withdraw... it was hitting me pretty hard earlier
today. It doesn't help that I was smoking like mad... but I think that's
effecting me differently too. I just couldn't handle it all at once I think. I'm
ready to go out and have fun and be crazy and all that... but really all I
wanted was to have someone to give me an excuse to get out of there. It was too
much and I wanted some girl hanging on my arm and telling me, "Let go baby...
I'm ready to leave." It's pretty depressing to be perfectly honest. I'm sad,
lonely, deflated. Everyone that I'm interested in turns out to be completely
into someone that is distinctly not me. And frankly it all seems pretty
pointless at the moment. I don't know. I hate the whole dating thing anyway.
Whoever invented that game was a supreme sado-masochist... Perhaps it's just the
med withdraw though and that's why I'm all fucked up and emotional. I think that
I will think that as soon as I'm though with this and can actually pull myself
together again. Who knows, maybe I really am a depressinve personality and need
to stay on meds forever. It's a posibility. I can't think about it at the moment
though, right now I'm kind of drunk... and kind of in a funk from withdraw, and
kind of in a funk over this girl that for whatever weird twist of fate sort of
ironic reason is not as into me as I am her. I know I need to let go, and I will
but for today it bugs me. For today it hurts. Tomorrow, I'll be like fine, fuck
all... whatever happens happens and all that... but today it hurts. I feel so
empty, I'm sure that this is a rational thing and all, after the divorce and all
that. And now I'm talking to someone again who kind of reminds me of all that. I
need to let go of all that too, and then I hear about my friend seeing Gloria
out, and it effected me more than I though it would. God, I must be ragging or
something... It's all too much of an emotional bundle to unravel. Uuuuggghhh...
Big messy balls of emotional shit... Somehow I need to sort though it all.
Somehow I need to get to the bottom of it all... there is so much really crappy
shit going on. Work sucks, relationships suck, even the ones that aren't even
going on anymore and I thought were behind me suck. I feel nauseous. Or maybe I
need another drink... who can tell at this point. Not me... tomorrow I'll sort
all this mess out too and write about it maybe... maybe I should just continue
down the path of depravity that got me here and then I can write about it all
and sell some sort of story to somewhere that reads crappy literature about
really fucked up topics. Somehow I have a hard time thinking I could sell this
shit though. Ahhh fuck it, I'm going to go to sleep... if I have to drug myself
to sleep, I'm going to sleep dammit...
more in the morning...
Wow, it's been a while since I've written. I suppose for a few days there I
actually fooled myself into believing I could have a life. Oh well. Now I have a
much better grasp on reality. So I find myself falling in love with this girl.
It's not at all rational or expected. But I found it happening none the less. I
tried like mad to stop it, to keep it from happening. But I've never really had
the best self control when it comes to strong overpowering emotion that really
has no basis in reality. I suppose that it fealt good though, I felt emotional
over someone for the first time since I left Gloria. She was beautiful, and fit
to a T everything that I've ever been attracted to. Too bad that I was not able
to stir the same emotion in her. She was numb. She told me so. It was a losing
battle from the start. So now I sit here on a saturday morning... heart broken,
deflated... Just another reminder that things don't always work out the way you
want them to. Seems like just once, somewhere along the line, something would
work out the way I wanted it to. That's being a little presumptuious though.
So the Celexa withdraw is finally getting better. I feel very mellow. Last night
was bad, but I woke up okay I think. It's like my brain is getting to the point
where it feels clean again. Word of advice to all those anti-depressant users
out there... (at least of the SSRI variety) don't smoke pot and take
anti-depressants. I'm living proof that the withdraw is hell. Apprently it will
cause a very uncomfortable condition known as seratonin syndrome or something to
that effect. But I dislike doctors greatly. And I dislike not having my own head
about me even more...
I feel okay though, I've got a touch of meloncholy today, but if you saw how
cute we were together, you'd understand why. It's really too bad. But as the
buddhists say, attachments are the root of suffering. It's comletely irrational
to be attached after so little time, but hey, life is not just full of rational
emotion. It's no fun to try and justify every emotion you feel, sometimes you
just have to let yourself go and fall into it damn the consequences. I can't say
that I feel good for it today, but at the same time, it's somewhat conforting to
know that I can have those emotions again. Even if it was only me out of the two
of us that actually felt anything. I want to believe that somewhere in there
there was a spark of some faint love or hope that we could actually work on a
relationship, but I realize that is more my own wishful thinking than anything.
I suppose that at this point it's just best to let go of it and go on with life.
Which has been done to some degree. I'm stupid though, I still wish the phone
would ring and it would be her and she would say to me that she's sorted out all
her conflicted emotions and that she decided that fanning the spark (that purely
I only wish was there) might actually turn it into a flame. Ahhh, sometimes my
own fabrications get the better of me. I need to divert my attention to
something else. There is a party tonight. They are always pretty fun, perhaps
I'll be able to cut loose a little there and listen to some music and have fun
with the plethora of people I will know there.
Okay, so she called. I'm in the middle of this big long schpeel here and she
calls just to talk. There is something at work in that girl, I don't know what
it is, but I wish it would turn into something that actually produced that spark
inside her. I think that she feels safer just keeping that distance though. If
it were something that could possibly happen however, I'd be the most patient
man on earth. It's a talent of mine actually... but I have to think of my own
self as well, and that means that I can't do something that the outcome is as up
in the air as this. I can't make an ass out of myself persuing this person when
I know she does not share the same level of emotion. Or any emotion for that
Uuuggghhh, I need to get out... I'm going to go get food. This line of thought
is giving me a headache...