I'm sick. It's got

I'm sick. It's got nothing to do with the fact that all the hellish creatures that made my year 2000 so miserable are now trying to worm their way back into my world and make me miserable now as well. But I'm sure that there is some connection between the two somehow. Remeber me writing about psycho redhead a while back? Well now it seems that she wants her kitchen table back. She moved into a new space before I stopped seeing her, I helped her move even. Now, like 6 months later it appears that this table is an issue. It's stupid, she told me flat out that she was going to get rid of it. At the time, I had no furniture because Gloria had finally got her shit out... so I said, "Hey, if you're just going to get rid of it, I'll take it..." Apparently this means to said red head that I will hold the table in storage for her for an undisclosed ammount of time untill she deems it appropriate to pick it up, this ammount of time can span any time, distance, and relationship apparently as well seeing as she saw fit to berate me and blame all her personality problems on me before eventually leaving me the hell alone. So now, with all that done, 1) telling me the table was going to be trashed, 2) telling me I was the cause for all her problems (hmmmm sounds suspiciously like Gloria there...) and 3) leaving all issues alone for 6 months and remaining delightfully incommunicado... Now is the time to reopen the lines of communication. I'm afraid not. Not that I care anything for this table, nor do I have it anymore as I saw fit to get rid of all reminders of painful, nauseating pasts... (that god awful couch we got as wedding present that Gloria was simply adament about keeping, is also gone... it was a total peice of shit by the time her dogs go through with it) regardless... new furniture... new life... new year... fuck the old shit... and fuck these psychos who think they can weasel back in when they've already shut and slammed all doors... it's called boundary setting, and sometimes it's painful girls, but here it is... don't call anymore. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention... Gloria called again and left a message... it was very aptly stated, something to the effect, "For all I know, you're listening to this on your machine now and not picking up..." Truth is I was out, but if I had been in, and I almost wish I had been, simply so I could screen and delete the message before having it pollute my answering machine for too long. Unfortunately I would have answered that call had it come in. Only out of stupidity... but since I've had those recurring dreams about confronting Gloria and her new bitch-boy... I probably would have picked up. I can't defend it other than to say I'm a dumbass, it's as simple as that... Still, things are going so much better now. I feel like there is really no need to confront anything at this point, other than unreasonable expectations and misguided notions of good relations. So here it is just to set the record strait and to get all these thoughts down... 1) I will not be returning any personal items that take 6 months or longer to retrieve. Nor will I be responsible for personal items lost or stolen while the afformentioned owner presumes that they are safe in "holding" at one of her many temporary storage facilities... 2) Once the relationship is over and it is mutually agreed that communication would be detrimental... don't fucking call again. Seems simple enough, but because of some deep seated urge for... I don't know... acceptance.... maybe closure... hell, I don't know, maybe it's just insecurity... it seems that there is some need to call again regardless. I don't want to be friends, I don't want to "see how you're doing" otherwise I would have said something to the effect of "I'll call you sometime." Not, and I repeat, *NOT* "Fuck off, I never want to talk to you again... you hate me and want me dead? Good... don't call me anymore." See the difference? 3) I will not stoop to talk to Gloria from this day forward... actually from the end of Oct 2000 (October 22, 2000 to be exact) when I threatened to tell her new bitch-boy what she was doing behind his back, from that day forward... but now, since she's calling again, I have a couple of warnings... I'm on guard just in case she calls again, and I am going to call and have my home number changed, oh, and I still might call her bitch-boy and tell him the shit that she did behind his back... wonder what that would do to their plans to buy a house... one can only guess... knowing guys in general though, and being the jaded fuck that I am, I bet he'd forgive her and go on... the only consolation to knowing what a dumbass I am is knowing that I'm not the only one... I'll feel better once there is enough time and distance to assure me I won't get calls like that anymore. I'll feel even better, and probably much happier as soon as I can shake this cold and get healthy again.

More later...
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Crazy shit... I've not

Crazy shit... I've not been sleeping well lately. I have recently stopped smoking. It's not something I've ever had a huge problem with, but it does seem to be that it's changed my body chemistry enough to be problematic. It's almost like when I took myself of the anti-depressants... only this seems to be effecting me more radically. Less nausea, more scattered thinking and definately more high strung... I'm not sure that it will last long. I'm way more mellow when I'm smoking. And things seem so much more calm. I can handle my own though processes when I'm smoking. But anyway, so I'm going to fall off the wagon again... no big deal, I'll survive... I gave it a good shot at least... as depressed as I've been over Davids death and being overwhelmed by work, and relationships and all that shit... it's no wonder I'm falling. I can hadnlt the bumps and bruises that come with that though. As a close friend says, I'm functional. It's been a long time since I wrote in this thing... I kind of feel at a loss. I only write when things are wrong though, obviously something is bothering me. I'm in this relationship, and it's been realy good and seemed really comfortable, but there is this thing looming over me. It's a communication issue. We don't talk about sex. We talk, about it, but not in the sense of what we like, where the boundaries are, what we want to happen when "in the moment" and all that. It's like being in high school again except we're a lot older. I ask, she doesn't say much. I talk, she doesn't say much. It seems to be an emerging pattern. I think she's happier single and without someone bugging her on that level. Regardless, it's making me very uncomfortable and its causing problems. She's on me last night and I can't follow through. This is where it creeps up, I'm like, "Let's do this" and she refuses. At that point, I'm stuck... where do you go from there? She wants the scene to continue, and I do to for that matter, but there is this boundary. She want's me to take charge... this is what she says at least, but when I do, she tells me no. It would be so easy to turn this into one of those things where I'm like, "Fuck it then, I'll just not do anyhting." But that's harmful, and I really like this girl. I dont' want to end things, I want to work on it, but I have no idea what my next move should be. Hell, I don't even know how to bring up this problem with her yet... I suppose I will figure it out. I'm going to get her a birthday present now... I'll write more later...

Okay, it's later... we talked... it was good... I think that if I were really trying to get into the spirit of this surprise party thing, I'd remove any references from this site about it... so I'm asking any of you that read this, keep the suprise party thing quiet until after Saterday... don't say a thing that I'm not really out of town and I'm not really in a hotel room. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to pull off being in a different city and different living situation when you have a howling cat in the background, noisy cars driving by, and the potential of a phone call from friends that you left messages for... this is no small deception. But it is for a good cause so hopefully it's being pulled off effectivly... okay, so now... the conversation. It looks as if we're both just in spots that are putting a lot of pressure on ourselves, and we're in this new relationship so we are putting a lot of pressure on ourselves to be all hot and heavy on eachother too, but we're not really feeling up for it at the moment so by setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves and not taking care of ourselves while all this stress is manifesting itself around us, we are setting ourselves up for some really disappointing sexual scenarios... so when I'm back from "new york" we'll hook up and work on just being comfortable around eachother... I'm pretty tired right now and getting sick too I think, so I'm going to just leave it at that... other than to add this, I feel good about the conversation. I feel good about where we're at right now, it's obvious she cares for me considering she was so worried that it was something that she did that caused this bizarre situation. I think it was both of us, and I think that's the conclusion we both came to... it was a collaborative effort. Regardless, I feel very strongly for this woman. I can't wait until I "get back to town" so I can see her...

j-

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Goodbye David. You were

Goodbye David.

You were one of the few men in my life that I really felt love for. Despite all
that stpid things we said and did to eachother, all the crap that was said when
you were staying with Gloria, Isabelle, and I out at the farm. And all the late
night drinking binges... I was always afraid for you, but I always loved you. If
I never showed it enough, it was my own fear. It's difficult to be the strait
man in a world where the lines of sexual identity are continuously blurring more
and more. I was intimidated by you, and sometimes the things you'd say made me
uncomfortable. But I loved you all the same. You were a brother, a friend, a
confidant. I'll always cherish the momories of going to the galleria and rat
shack for computer crap... and late night browsing of prodigy personals... I
think it was you who educated me on all the lingo, and what cut and uncut meant,
and all that shit. I remeber you sitting in my car, we're driving down the
street, and you see these two guys walking together... the window rolls down,
and you're yelling, "Fucking Faggots!!!", I was embarrased... you said, "*I* can
say that! If you said it you'd be in deep shit, but *I* can say that." I laughed
my ass off at you, not because of the stunt, but because of your openness and
honesty, and sense of humor. Your art was stunning. Your work was maticulous.
Your compassion boundless. It was more comforting to know that you were there,
whether we we talking all the time or not. I'm sorry that you were taken away so
soon. There were so many things I wanted to tell you about, especially so many
things that haven't even happened yet that I wanted to find you and tell you
about after this grand adventure of mine. I wanted to share it all with you
because I could always count on your ear being tilted in my direction, and you'd
always tell me the things that needed to be said, not just what I wanted to
hear. The world seems that much colder knowing that you arent' around anymore. I
loved you and you will be sorely missed my friend...

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Fly, Fly, Fly... break

Fly, Fly, Fly... break out of your nest little bird... geez this is the most bizarre video I have ever watched... men talking new age shit that really goes nowhere... okay, just so you're all with me on this... It's the Beck video for Sexx Laws with Jack from Tenacious D ...

"How do the dolphins feel?" "Sweet, smooth"... fucking crazy... this is too f*cking funny...

Ahhh anyway... streaming video sucks... it's going along fine until it crashes and does this perma-buffering thing...

It's friday, I'm all scattered and shit, and I don't want to work. It's difficult to motivate yourself when you're in a mood like this. I really just feel like taking a nap...

I'm going on a date tonight... and actual date, with an actual girl... it's so cool... I've been looking forward to it for about oh, a week now... I can't wait to get out and go do something with someone who is fun and all that stuff... plus it's been soooo fucking cold here for so long now that I feel like moving to the tropics... it's nice today, a heatwave, what almost 35 degrees and all... I'm in my shorts and a tee shirt... kidding. it's still too cold, and I'm still ready to move to the tropics. But it won't be so friged as to not be able to generate a little "heat" tonight, you know what I mean (*nudge*nudge*wink*wink*) haha! just kidding...

I think its a dangerous thing to keep this window open and jotting down random thoughts while I have them, it lets people into my warped demented little mind and shows them exactly how scattered I can be... scary... I wonder what I'm going to think about myself when I read through this in the months to come... hhhhhhmmmmmm... makes one think...

more later...
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Ha! So I read

Ha! So I read some choice excerpts of my last entry to this girl I've been seeing... we had a really good, really intense conversation about how she's confused and how I feel about things and all. It was great. I felt incredible after wards... and then she's like "Come over." I thought she was kidding. It was 11:30pm, it had been a long day, it was an intense conversation, blah blah blah... so she's like, "Yeah, I know. Come over now." So I did. I spent the night with her then, and woke up feeling tired, but really good... and then we're planning on not spending last night together, but we're both really tired early (like 9pm), and she calls to say good night and all that... we're talking for a while and she's getting sleepy, and she wants me to come over. So I go, I wasn't feeling good, and told her I just wanted to take a bath and read, and she's completely like, "Okay, yeah, that's great, I just want you here..." It's wonderful. I'm so happy it's scary. She's fucking incredible... when I get to the apartment, she's drawing a bath for me, got the candles lit, got the lavender oil in the water with the scent filling the bathroom. It was heavenly. Oh, it would be so easy to let myself go and fall in love with her. My impulse is to spend every waking moment with her. I want to be around her day and night for the rest of my life. Of course I want to temper that urge with some rational thought... but I'm also tempted to just go with it because this stage of a relationship doesn't last forever... or perhaps it should, oh hell, I don't know. I'm winging it, I admit. It's funny because she tells me she doesn't have the tools to deal with a relationship of this nature, but I've got her beat, I don't have any clue, and I'm throwing myself in regardless. It feels good for now... This is that precarious stage where if something is going to wrong, it will probably be something explosive... fortunately we're both pretty mellow. It's a good thing, and my attitude is still, whatever happens happens. She wants to be exclusive now though, and I'm all for it. I don't really want to do the "dating" game thing... going out to bars, trying to strike up conversation with random people, I'm not good at it and it sucks. Besides, I'm so into this girl. It's fate, I know it... I can feel it, we're meant to be together in some capacity, I don't what that is, so I'm not going to presume anything, but I want it to be something good and long lasting. Ahhh, anyway, I'm all distracted and stupidly happy today. I keep thinking about her and drifting off... so perhaps I should just go, get some work done, and write more later...

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