I've been clean for

I've been clean for a while now and I think it's starting to drive me nuts. I have an insane ammount of energy and cabin fever. I feel like I'm about to explode... I almost did today. This moron at work fucked up a server, managed to fix it, and then attempted to blame to whole thing on the way the environment was set up. I can't take full responsibility for the way it was set up, but I can assure you that it was fully functional by the time I was finished with it (whoever did set it up made some really bad install choices, all of which I was able to creativly fix however). So I got *bent* about this guy, I mean undies so twisted it was scary. I was out of control to be honest, and it got me so bad that I started in on a guy at work because he said the guy raised a valid point. Now to be fair, the guy did raise a valid point, and the other guy was right to defend it, and I was wrong for getting so bent that I couldn't stop at that. I think that I'm just too tightly wound at this point. I feel like I'm not using my creative outlets, and I'm not self medicating anymore to dull the ache of dealing with life. I have to say, I think life sucks right now. I'm suffering an existential delima. I mean two years ago, life sucked but at least it seemed that I had purpose, trying to maintain a crappy relationship and take care of an unappreciative, manipulative, philandering, irresponsible ex so that her daughter could at least grow up instead of having to be grown up. It didn't work obviously but it was a direction. Now it's like I don't even have that. I'm disillusioned with corperate america, but greedy enough not to be able to pull away from it completely (I have to make a living after all) and I've not been able to maintain a steady creative outlet since I started seeing this girl who is turning out to be a completely luke warm relationship that seems like it's more difficult to maintain that it's worth. I feel like I'm dying inside, or dead already or something... and yet I'm also screaming... clawing my way out of the dead carcass that was left from the divorce. I mean I feel good, I don't feel depressed all the time, I feel happy, I feel like I'm doing something, whatever that something is... and I want to keep doing things... but I feel like there is no certainty and no direction... and that there is no purpose of doing the things that I'm doing *right now*... Perhaps that's the problem, perhaps I need something to feel fulfilled right now and nothing is, it's all been up in the air for so long that I'm feeling a bit let down from it... maybe I'll grit my teeth ad bear it for a while longer until things become more solid... maybe I'll snap and wind up in the loony bin... guess we'll find out...

j-
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This is a little

This is a little peice of performance prose I like to call "Soma"

Hunched over in this dark place that is the source, the well from which all creativity flows... this is where I'm reporting from tonight. It's a crazy place, somewhere between sanity and reality. That might seem like it's one and the same, but only to those who don't know better... this thing that is insanity, it is knowing all too truly what is the real human condition. That is... coming home, with the tv dinner and the sit-coms, the vicarious lives of people we don't know flashing before our eyes because they're more entertaining than our own... god knows why none of us can have a fucking healthy relationship anymore, it's because of all the beautiful things that are taunted in front of us on all the time, it's in the magazines, it in the hype... That's what we want. We as a whole culture have fallen into the wasteland that has occured from the belief in our own hype, our own media, our own camaras... we are a culture of hedonistic camara whores... this is the world that we've created for ourselves. Media, Music, Television cramming taste and fashion and what everone tells us is funny, and charming strait down our belemic little throats... only to be regurgitated and swallowed by another generation... so this is it, this circle of life as was the phrase coined by that hack of a cultural vomitist Disney, this is the grand revolution of the universe and it goes on and on forever amen, or that's the idea at least, right? Well, where does the intelligent man fit into this sceme. Where does the thinking person fit into the day after day drugery of what is to become the rest of his or her life? It's like we are all just asked to be "on" for the time that is between the numbers on the punch card, but we just shut our brains off after that... it's not true, I hate to tell you... I mean I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't just mentally "punch out" after I get home... If I did, perhaps I'd be happier about the state of afairs that has become my life, but that's another story all together, tonight we rant about other things... tonight we look at how we crave our own attention as a culture, I mean look at it, the price of cameras has dropped, the internet has given us cheap distribution on a global scale, we are now capable of broadcasting our very lives to whoever is actually dumb enough to watch... but why? What is it all for? One has to ask that simple most obvious question? IF everything is on in front of us all the time, what is the point in watching, or living for that matter... at least when it was a bit of a larger planet there was still room to be individuals, to be creative and really innovative... now it's all been done, and we can watch it on channel X... So here's my proposition, we should get rid of all media. All of it... magnetic media, optical media, tape, cameras, magazines, everything... start from scratch you know? Wouldn't that be fucking fantabulous? And all the work that we'd have to do to just fucking survive and all... shit... ahhhh.... fuck it, you know... lets just roll up a phatty and watch some TV...
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I've been having a

I've been having a lot of free floating anxiaty lately. Seems like since I'm making all these dietary, and body chemistry alterations, I've had a lot more energy, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. That on top of the feelings I'm having about this woman I've been seeing... I'm confused and overly stressed. I want to put an end to it I think. Tonight I'm over at her place and there just seem to be a lot of references to my level of maturity. That shit just bugs me. I know I'm almost 29 now, I've been living on my own for the past decade, I'm not a huge partier and have always taken work and life very seriously. Perhaps that's why I'm a bit sensative to it, the peices of myself that are inmature, I hold on to because there isn't much in my life that I really cut loose with. Music, poetry, computers, those are all well and good, but I try to be good natured and good humored as well, it's not always easy. I have a reputation at work as having a fiery temperment, and now my girlfriend thinks I'm immature. Frankly I'm a bit put off by it. But I'm so unsure of my feelings, or my reactions that I have to leave the scene, come home, write about it, and figure out how to react when the time comes tomorrow. God, no wonder I'm a fucked up emotional mess. Some of that I can trace back to the games that Gloria used to play with me, turning every argument into my fault because of some weakness in my character... some of it I can chalk up to inexperiance in the field of dating, some of it might be caused by my own moodiness and stress, and feelings of depression, self loathing, or doubt. Regardless, it seems to me that there is a distinct problem. And it's not something that I think is easily fixable. I don't want to end things, but I think it would be the best thing. I think that she has at least thought about things enough to realize what it is she does want, and I think that I have figured out that no ammount of degradation and nagging is tolerable in a relationship. She's not that bad, but given the past that I have, I know what it looks like, and I don't want it in my life. Perhaps that's my answer then, that's what I'll say when the time comes. I see a lot more journal entries in the near future...

j-
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I think that I've

I think that I've finally figured out what it is that's been trying to come out for the past few days. You see, I've been wanting to write down this thing, some large amorphous article that was sure to be something of such profundity that it would be sure to change not only my life but the lives of everyone who actually stumbled across this page and actually read it. Of course I realize that's asking a bit much of myself so I'll settle for just having a largish impact on my current situation.

So I think I know what it is... I think I finally figured out why it is that I have been so miserable. I think that it's because in order to get through this divorce thing, I've had to hang on to some bit of anger, some peice of damage that I've retained in order to keep my resolve and not be a dumbass and make a move towards reconciliation. Yeah, so she's got this self righteous aire that because she's not the one who is angry, or she's not the one who is maintaining this seperation of even speaking, that I'm holding on to something and just being an ass for it. I've had to maintain that in order to push someone that I loved, but treated me so repulsively, away. It took memory of the anger and frustration, and misery that we gave each other. I think that it was an important step to get to the point where apologies and promises no longer meant anything and the only way to proceed was total destruction of the relationship and therefore of self. Marriage is a union, a mingling of souls... it's a self imposed condition, that if you weren't willing to make wouldn't be so painful. I remembered the pain and the hurt... and then I thought about how much I learned from her and admired her as well. She was so wonderful, so full of life, so sexy. I have to say, that she was definately not the same person by the time everything was over. Such a shame. She was a sexy poet, full of life, or as a relative of mine would have said, piss and vinegar. She was a dichotomy of power and energy, and defiance and stuborn will. I loved that though. She was someone who pulled me out of my shell and made me look at life a different way. I miss that.

Here's the fallacy though... I was under the impression that I could stay the same person without her. It's not true though. That's what they don't tell you about divorce. When you leave someone. When you seperate from your "life partner," you sperate that part of yourself that you gave up. When that peice of soul is gone initially, it hurts. This huge vaccuous wound, a void... it's the only thing that you can feel for a while. I felt that, but was too doped up on anti-depressants to really feel it. I mean, I'm scared. I'm afraid that for the first time, I'm feeling the pain of my divorce and that I'm going to get in a funk like the ones that I used to never be able to pull myself out of. Everything feels empty.

Now that I'm off of the antidepressants, I feel *everything* to a degree that I was not capable of during my "drug therapy." I feel like there is so much that was hidden under the blanket when I was under the effect of the meds. At the same time, I don't think that it's a bad thing. I think that I feel more alive, more in touch with that around me. I feel in tune, and in touch. I feel like I know how stupid and full of pride I was when I finally made up my mind that I was going to leave. I knew that I was fine, that I was going to be great. I knew that when she was gone, everything would be one hundred percent better. It wasn't. I'm broken. My heart was torn in half, of course I'm broken... Fortunately it's still alive however...

So pride was what eventually caused the breakup, the rancor of memories, the frustrations, and arguments, and torments... all those things gone... unfortunately, it also got rid of the woman who told me she fantasized about me when I was out working, or that sent me a bagged lunch to work with a pair of panties and a note to tell me she was thinking about me... She, in one of her rare moods, would be the most incredible partner I'de ever had, she brought out the man in me, but somehow I knew that the full potential of that would never be realized with her. She could never really keep it together long enough to enjoy it with me, that's why. But those rare days, the ones were everything was okay. It was *really* okay.

So, what keeps me away now if I know how much she meant to me, how much she influanced my life... dignity. It takes dignity to realize that you're better than the abuse you're taking. It takes dignity to let someone know that you aren't going to tolerate being acted upon so harshly. I would rather have dignity and freedom from that relationship than to go back to the way things were. It's nice to realize that. It's something that is more comforting than memories of good times. I can hold on to it when I'm alone, and let it carry me on to better things in new relationships. Dignity is a powerful thing, wish I'd found out about it sooner in life...

I guess in conclusion... now that everything is over, now that all is siad and done and been and gone... Now it's time to let go of all of that anger and hurt, and to let go of the memories. It's time to let go of everything, the good and bad, and write it off as a "phase of life."

Farewall Gloria, in all your dysfunctional glory. Farewall and good riddence. I hope that our paths never cross again (In this life or any other)... As for me, I finally feel like a man now that I have some confidence and dignity...

j-
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God it's been a

God it's been a long time since I've written in this thing... I feel like I'm going to burst though so I suppose that it's better I get it out here rather than somewhere else... I am on fire. I've got so many things up in the air, and I'm starting to see how it can all come together... It's really odd, but it's almost like I've had an epiphany. I can see things in front of me very clearly at the moment. I hope that I can convince other people to share my vision at the moment, I think that they would all like it at the end. It's a classic managment question though, how much pain are we willing to go through in order to get to where we want to be. It's a delicate balance. Working in technology however, it seems that there is not end to where the pain comes from... it's usually due to money. But that's true of life, it's always money, it's just on a much larger scale than my personal finances for the time being. I'm really starting to put some ideas together than could make a big impact though, that's a good thing. It's feeling good too, hopefully everything will pan out like I'm thinking. I'm optomistic. It seems like I've come so far from when I was working my way up at IgLou and really learning so much about relationships and work and technology. I owe all those guys so much, it was really small compared to here, but still, all the priciples come back into play. I was thinking last night that it's still to this day, the ultimate influance on my life. It was great to grow through that and be rewarded for it too. Hopefully I'm going to be able to do that here as well. I think so far that I have, and that seems to be where the source of this creativity comes from, the foundation that was layed during my years at an ISP. It's not like the people there taught me everything, but they definately gave me the tools to be able to learn everything I needed to... something like the epihany one has when finally realizing that the search is not for the right teacher, but for the right knowledge. Anyway, now it's all coming together for me, I feel confident, like I have answers, and plans. I feel that life is being good to me. Tonight on the Sopranos, one of the characters was worried about going to hell, and got pretty bent, so there came this answer that what he saw was really pergatory, and now there's this layered approach to heaven and hell, and that there is no absolute, but the varying degree's of purgatory and paradise as well... nothing is any long one (two) dimensional, there are a whole plethora of dimensions, paths, whatever. Anyway, so this character, he's talking about how these sins add up to this, and those sins get tacked on this way, and when it's all said and done, you can add up your sins to figure out how much time you get to spend in purgatory before you get to go to heaven. That's how I feel now, like I've spent my time in purgatory, and now I get to enter heaven. I've got a job that is challenging and rewarding, I've got a hottie girlfriend, I've got peace of mind after a messy last year... hopefully this trend will continue for a bit... we'll soon find out...
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