GOD! I don't know

GOD! I don't know what's wrong with me... nothing went right tonight at the play
at the production... distractions many and powerful... falling apart left and
right no expectations of anyone to make up for my mistakes... but they did... an
incredible cast of artists... making something so much larger then the sum of
their parts... much love and appreciation goes out to these, my people, the same
cut of myself that they flow through and around those rocks I inadvertantly
place in the path... polish is not even part of it for me yet as I'm the new
comer, the one that has no experience, I learn, I absorb, I am but a seed... I
assume the show, I build the value... to quote directly from the text... these
people are pros and it shows they have skills beyond that which I am capable of
for the time being... they like me though which is good, work ethic and hard
sweaty labor carry you far in life and passions of art... I want to be as good
as them some day, I want to know what they know... I'm starting to appreciate
the value of depth of knowledge rather than simply breadth of knowledge... must
be time for life to teach another karmic lesson... time to step up to the next
level and find that niche that will carry me on to the next thing... covering
all bases at all times can't do much but lead me to scattered unfocused life of
constant screw ups like tonight... accidents? maybe, but I read more into it
than that.. there is another level of the unearthly cosomgony at work trying to
tell me something.... I will look, and listen, and keep open, and learn... what
is the lesson though... that is the crux... time will expose. It always does...

j-
--------

heartbreak, pain creeps through

heartbreak, pain creeps through cardiac system breaking muscle and bone... far
out mouth of time takes me back to days of bliss, happy, married, joined at hip
with daughter in tow... makes me think that anything is better than this, and
remembering times of thinking "anything is better than this" that brought me to
where I am now... low... heartbreak travel my initial reaction is to flee the
scene to get out of the city... gotta leave go back to grass roots rorlling
green grass and free over hills and under sky. Hate this city and all the dirt
that gets trapped under finger nails in breath and in eyes... hate the prospect
of another day alone but not alone with so many people to infiltrate the
solitude that keeps me going... it's all that's left in this dismal time
although I find it easier to put on happy smiles of days going better, more like
resignation to fate less than happy and lonely. family, friends, no one can
understand the pain of heat less than whole, and she.. .she... the one that did
this.. that perpetrated this crime against humanity herself so unwhole... god I
miss her at times... her breath her life her body pressed against mine in sweaty
revelation of time immeasurable... she is satan, evil, heartbreak incarnate...
nothing but pain but my masochism takes over and I want to hurt I want to feel
the pain that only she can inflict on my mind and psyche... fuck being the
healthy person that I'm working on becoming, venus flytrap plot to gather more
flesh to consume but all flesh tastes rancid by all comparison... hate this
body, more fit than ever, hate this life more than active and doing big creative
things that take over this lifetime... hate this everything... want to shave
head bald and leave this world to vultures pecking away at dead flesh...
lightning bolt realizations hit with stunning accuracy and I realize that this
life is destined to lead to another but then why spend so much time in this one
when it's so much less than what I'd hoped for... if all thats left is flings of
temporary passion then there is nothing.. nothing worth anything... hate the
nothing the void the hole that is left in heart and life... used to have
daughter... little girl dependant on life and love and living... breath of my
soul steward of my immortal being.. when things were worst she comforted, no
comfort now that there is nothing left... annhilistic? maybe but why would i be
anythign but when there is no semblance of normality left, of course, yeah there
was no semblance of normality before but who says there really is such a
thing... one couple nothing but anger and subverted frustration coming out in
stuttered protestations and another nothing but quiet solitude resting in the
arms of people other than devoted lovers gained and lost... lost as I am lost as
I feel over loss...

j-
--------

secret scam perpetrated on

secret scam perpetrated on unsuspecting people... it's a living for some I
suppose. Still seems like preying on innocent naivity. Guess that's all part of
the game though, natural selection of the personal lives of thousands of people.
Funny that it works that way, makes me want to give up on people but that's a
little extreme so more polish more wary navigation of the life waters that once
threatened to drown. All in all, it's funny and I can see the humor in being
suckered in... no need to feel like a stooge when it's someone's intent to
defraud and patronize, more over feelings of pity taking refuge in pride and
self-worth. I feel so good about myself that these things are pointless. Good
spot to be in... and the fantasy was actually fairly rewarding for the brief
moment that I let myself believe it... as with all things though anything that
seems too good to be true generally is... so no harm done, no foul... just
pleasent thoughts for a few minutes... interesting stuff coming about... I'm
thinking of going home for a few days... all my sisters and family will be there
at the same time so it's a good idea to go. I need the time off anyway. road
trip, no flying this time... it's a good thing though as I haven't made the
drive in a long time and I think I'm actually up for it again... laptop full of
MP3's music to drive by... plans to see friends and family... plans to expose
the "new" me and have time with people that I care about but haven't maintained
connections with... it's a good idea to do that... interesting perspective that
I'm developing on life, used to be that I never cared so much but with so little
to define ones self in this world other than work and connections, it seems like
there is a need to foster those connections. I can't speak for everyone, I'm
just a lonely traveler down this road like so many before me and I know that
I've been through times where it was so wearisome to try and maintain
connections. It was a royal pain in the ass given the depression. Funny thing
that I don't consider myself out of the depression that gripped me for so long,
but more I suppose that I embrace it and by doing so have absorbed it into a
part of myself that I can acknowledge and move past. like junkies coming to
grips with their habit, the habit never goes away, you're an alcoholic, you're
an alcoholic for life, but depression is supposed to "go away" with age or
drugs... seems ironic on levels beyond the comprehension of most... i remeber
being told that I was depressed because I "think too much" which is exactly the
kind of rational that I was fighting against at the time. Existential delima is
what it was called. Rilke had his death stone, I have my depression... it's an
old friend at this point and becoming something that I can easily have a drink
with and we can iron out our differences. I can remember a time where this
little event would have gotten me down, but why? Anger, frustration... now I
know why it will be imposible for me to ever be the punk rock kid that I was so
hell bent on being back in the day... tone, time, timbre... it's time to evolve
and to become that thing which is in me. the vision of life and youth and
artistry that I've been mentally honing all these years. its kafkaesque but
instead of cockroach, butterfly emerges from cocoon to flight and death. but
before i die, i fly, that's consolation... there will be moments of utter bliss
before i end this path and return to choose another... more later... it's time
to prepare for the play...

j-
--------

hot hot... sweat drips

hot hot... sweat drips to finger tips on terminal keyboard. air is out at work
and stagnent hot air pools around me. not much to do, frustrations arise in heat
due to stupidity but forge ahead instead of complain, it does no good and only
serves to make enemies. Besides it's easy to suck up frustration and anger when
you know you're not long for this time or space. functions of this role who
knows where they will go. It's funny to think that you're non redundant in a
situation that demands redundancy, and paid little for your effort to boot. this
is the economy we created though, stupidity of american people brings reign of
burning bush back to earth, oh holy mr president with your fucked up foreign
policy and ignorance of your own peoples will. Turn tail back to texas and leave
the rest of us alone, we lived in peace before you, now we don't know where
things stand. America, democracy? America, home of the free? Amerikkka, land of
the down-trodden, faithful to the ideal of public rule and reign of free
ideas... in other words land of naivity, land of 300 million dollars worth of
chemical slave labor... black-white-latino-asian-whatever... does it really
matter to the people with the power and the money what we are as long as we work
and slave to put more meat on their tables more money in their padded pockets,
more power in their machine. We are nothing more than batteries... power sources
for the amitious corruption that shapes the world... Shit will reign down on
those that are dissatisfied with the status quo, it's a political war and always
will be, the kgb killed their opposition, how can we think that the cia
is above that as well? FIA is a joke, nothing will be disclosed, just more
political prisoners and more disinformation. fuck the x-files and all that
conspiracy bullshit, its not an alien machine... we built this thing... we let
it continue to live and breathe and grow... like the nazis killing jews, a
machine of people that accept propaganda as the fact, the us government is the
same thing... work within the system to change the system they say, we all
follow... what's changed? more amoral characters in office? At least clinton
stood up like a man to the things he did wrong and lied about, bush is hiding
like a pussy behind the republican political machine and passing legislation
that will kill thousands of his own people... and this keeps the money behind
the republicans happy which is the motive... but will he stand up like a man and
admit to it? don't hold your breath... democrats/republicans are all the same
two sides of the same deformed coin.

Become a reformer... I don't mean the moronic reform party... a real reformer, a
real revolutionary... speak out, make loud noises about the corruption and lies
told to us daily fed through news and media absorbed by less than conscious
minds kept dull and stupid by the same entertainment engine that drives our
spare moments and economy. start by redefining yourself, then start by
redefining your neighborhoods... then when there are enough of us, we will
redefine the whole world...

no more regional national boundaries -globalize- ethnic tolerance, religious
tolerance and everyone with enough space to live in peace. These are the goals
of every individual that's not related to some political machine. Remove the
machine and connect with real people... and do it quick, I'm getting tired of
hearing about the dumbass bullshit bush is doing to run down our nation and our
world...

Didn't mean to get off on the political rant, but it's been on my mind lately...
too many bad things happening here in the US and making us look bad in the world
because of it... It's time to impeach the real problem of amerikkkan politics
and get responsible leadership back in office... I'd rather our president get a
blow job than have our president get us blown up...

j-
--------

Whatever I said yesterday...

Whatever I said yesterday... ignore it. I've finally hit the realization that
I'm okay being by myself in this life right now and that I don't need to be
pushing my desperation on another person. Cosmic lessons learned, I'm all good
with hanging with Gloria because she's cool as shit, and I don't have to worry
about making a dumbass of myself. It's all good. I don't need it, she doesn't
need it... so on and so forth... more later... I'm trying to wake up...

j-
--------

moving day come and

moving day come and gone, she sweats, I sweat, hot sticky air in between large
objects hefted down stairs and then up again only to go dawn and up and back for
more. Moving is little more than punishment for the poor that can't afford their
own housing. Too bad apartments, like musical equipment can't come with a
"rent-to-own" policy. I think it would generate more interest than the
traditional lease arrrangment and quite possibly resolve some of those
"ownership" issues that renters often feel, like "I don't own the place, so why
not build that bon fire in the middle of the kitchen." Okay, so that's more
Gloria's "ownership" issue than mine, but still. Life is good. I'm staying out
of trouble and busy on all fronts. Good for me. It distracts me from the fact
that I have a hot little chippy movin in and the fact that we both get along so
fabulously well. I want to keep that going though, so I stay away. It;s for the
best as I'm kind of an old fart that is pretty traditional. I suppose I need to
get away from those thoughts of attraction and coital bliss. Fortuantely I've
been given a new lease on how to view reality since my encounter with the
goddess. Yeah, sometimes I think I'm just sinking in my own misery and that all
of this is a sign of my impending insanity, but at the same time, I can really
think of worse ways to lose it. So if I'm going to lose it in an ecstatic bliss
love of life and all that lives and breathes around me sort of way then I may as
well enjoy it while it's happening. It could be so much worse. The play that I
was working on and am destined to put more time on is tight. Go to
www.meatmen.net to see the web site. It's a funny play too, although not nearly
as funny after seeing it 500 times, it's still consistantly good. I have to
thank everyone who let me work on it for constantly forgiving my mistakes and
covering up for them. Also for letting this amatuer hack join the production and
do what I could to help out. I've learned more than I ever thought possible. Now
I get to put it to the test as people will be out of town and I will be left in
a very important position. Time to step up. But back to the main story, new
roommate that is lust object. Okay, okay, I'll get over that... not a problem.
And I've sworn that I will never directly let on that I find her drop dead
gorgeous... besides, this can only serve to aid me in the future as all females
want to know that a man is worthy of such a hottie and I have to say that I got
more serious looks the other night when we were out then I do when I'm by
myself. I'm a loner by habit though so we'll see how long that lasts with the
going out and the partying and the people and the places... it's all good. I'm
ready to be active and get out and see life. It's nice, no attachments, and very
buddhist of me to feel that way, although I know that I'm less then enlightened
if something so casual as a breif passing encounter with a soul that I am
entertwined with can throw me so much... in my defense though, it was the first
time I experianced such a thing and I'll be damned if it wasn't just a little
freaky. It's nice to know that if that level of existence is really accessible
to the rest of the world though, that I am somehow in tune with it. I don't know
how, but there it was... like I said, perhaps it was just a fleeting moment of
utter insanity, like PKDick in valis, maybe the little pink laser of
enlightenment hit me just right at that coincidental moment... who knows. But if
things like that are going to happen around my new roomy, I'm all up for her
moving in... it's going to be some fun having her around, and I'm beyond animal
enough to curb my own attraction to a comfortable level. We'll talk about it,
that way she's not surprised byany of it, and that way, after exposing the
truth, it'll be easier to absorb and move on. None of it will come as a surprise
to anyone... not at this point. it's comforting to know that at least. and I'll
feel better as soon as I've verbalized it and said, "alright, I feel this, and
I'm going to do everything I can to not play into it, so if you ever find me
failing at that, tell me to back the fuck off..." I usually get hints that are
posed to me in such a way. You know, those subtle statments like "Fuck off
Mother Fucker"... I'm real quick with those... anyway, more later...

j-
--------

seems that every once

seems that every once in a while life throws a curve ball that you just pick up
on in a way that strikes you harder than a big mac hammer ball nailed out of the
park. it happened last night, what I can remeber of it at least. double gin and
tonics down all night left me high and dry this morning but last night I was a
god in tune with everything on every level and my poor friend who wound up
dragging me along with, whatever, if it's an arm twisting she's doing, she's
going to have to work harder, or at least she's got a sore realization when she
finally runs into someone who doesn't want to go along with... I was an easy
target. First I'm a sucker for a beautiful face. Second I fall for low self
esteem like it's a floor in the side show crazy house. Fortunately she's got
both right now and I got to make off like a bandit... we went out. Had the most
amazing meal at a place in town called Naha(?) expensive but worth every penny.
succulent salmon, eligant lamb... and for desert chocolat that felt like I was
melting. Amazing. Go if you get the chance... I know I'll be back. from there it
was off to the water tower to see the show. film, music, long long lines... so
on to drink instead. Girlfriend was all about getting her drink on and as for me
I was right along with. It was a good thing, finally got to meet the infamous
Trey of legend and lore. He's as big as an Ox and as gentle as a lamb (with the
ladies) and a wicked funny guy... got more drunk after trey fed us more liquor.
Good music, hotties dancing on the bar, over all it was a nice night of drunken
friendship analyzing boundaries and having fun. Poor Trace... her shoes didn't
fit well, makes for no fun walking in the big city at night. So hopped in a
taxi... oh yeah, sitting on street corner drunkenly smoking out of a freshly
packed pipe we decided that it would be a good idea to go back to the long lines
of the multimedia extraveganza. turns out it's a good thing we did... by then
the lines died down too... first things first, it's essential to hit the
bathroom... oh essential is not the word. Time spent walking around drinking is
time of filling bladder bordering on pain. So, in the door, find the bathroom.
Trace felt the same so it was all good. Ahhhh, one empty bladder later and
walking to find Trace before we hit the exhibits... then it happend. Okay, let
me place the proper emphasis on this... then *IT* happened. The curve in space
and time. The high fastball that is nothing but a setup for the seam
splitting leather ripping pounding that knocks it out of the park. A slug so
hard that it knocks you into a different state of conciousness. I'm standing,
looking around like I'm lost... a state that I don't seem to ever be able to
quite shake. And this tall blond angel goddess walks by... once again I am
making use of my gift for understatement... This tall blond angelic goddess
passes in front of me, and for a moment, time stopped. There was a moment of
absolute and complete lucidity, I was not drunk, I was not joseph, I was an
amorphous cloud swimming in the great cosmic unconsciousness and this gorgeous
creature in front of me was the same. We connected so spontaneously and so
purely that she reached out and touched me like someone does an old friend,
affectionately on the forearm, grabbing like shes known me for time
immeasurable. This was the life changing moment, all of life wrapped up in that
one lucid second. That split instant of an opening between this physical
universe and that larger looming ether that eventually we go back to. Nothing
that we saw could have remotely compared to that split second. Nothing did.
There were some good visuals and music, and room to smoke. But everything was
resolved after that point. It was all downhill. Good for me Trace felt the same,
and her feet hurt. So we hoofed it off the roof and out to a cab then back to
her place for a nightcap and quick words of panic about the cell phone. I
suppose I should explain to Trace the concept of the electronic leash sometime,
maybe then she'll understand my disinterest in the use of electronic comm
devices. Still she was great, and I have no doubt that we will become quick
friends. She's the Tracy that I'm supposed to be involved with and be in love
with rather than the one that I was involved with. To clarify because I know
that statement will cause a lot of panic to all those that know me and read
this... I feel a kindred spirit with Tracy, a bond that time and space can not
transcend. I experianced one of the most powerful spiritual revelations that I
have ever had in the presence of this woman... that's a bond in and of itself.
Who knows how many times we've had those experiances together in different times
and different lives. It's deep, way deeper than the relationship and sex of this
life. Turns out that "Gloria the stripper" that I was supposed to have this life
altering relationship with was the wrong one, one the wrong level, in the wrong
time and place. She was a spiritual parasite, riding me only so long as it took
to get where she wanted to go... posing as the right person so as to confuse me.
It worked.... regardless, I'm back on track now, and things are finally headed
in the right direction. I've found the right tracy to hook up with and that I
can go out and party with... so after the nightcap, and yanking out of phone
manuals and stress over the locked out cell phone system it was off for me to
move my car so as to not be getting more tickets that I already have and back to
the casa... the rest of the day was all spent recovering and drinking water...
more later...

j-
--------

Yeah, so anyone that

Yeah, so anyone that hits this page probably noticed that there is something
wrong with the front page marking everything as new. Yeah, I know, I copied the
website from one spot to another and forgot to use the original time stamps...
My bad... it's a small overlooked non essential thing, but still, it pisses me
off that I forgot it. Oh well... such is life. I've had other things to worry
about. Big plans... big plans... but that's all beside the point right now. It's
amazing to me that now after many long months of writing here to get out the
hurt and anger and frustration that I felt after the divorce that now I don't
really feel like writing as much. It's not a bad thing though. I'm going to try
to keep up but I've got so many little projects going that I don't have time
every day to do everything that I want. Mostly that involves writing. No poems
coming to mind, no journal entries, or if they do, often its late in the day and
I'm too tired to get up and write it all down. Here's some of the stuff that's
been going on in my head lately though...

I'm undergoing some radical self transformation. It was a bit of knowledge that
once I ruminated uppon it enough finally clicked into my psyche. "Life is what
you make of it" or "We make our own reality" to be more precise. iI often
wondered to what degree that was actually true, and then one night, obviously
very enibriated, I realized that it was an absolute truth. Not only the fact
that it was true on a personal level but true on a macrocosmic level as well.
The more people you can gather behind any given idea, the greater the
possibility of it becoming a reality. This goes for everything across the board.
Gather enough scientists to focus their energy into discovering a way to
teleport items from one location to another, and the world waiting with baited
breath putting all of their energy into facilitating whatever the scientists
need, and it will become reality. The time scale, that's the only variable. And
how many people are going to sit there watching a bunch of scientists make
something incredible for the world for an extended period of time. Not many. We
don't have the attention span. But, from a more practical line of thinking, if
you can gather those around you, the ones that really know something, or have
some overlapping knowledge that you have, and bring them together and get them
focused.. anything is possible. That's the lesson I'm learning about this making
of the movie... the idea of getting enough people behind something, each lending
their talent and ability, each delivering a peice of work. It can happen. So
that's my task, to figure out how to motivate, how to inspire, how to innovate
and be creative with the use of resources. Then we (the people that I have
working on this) can deliver something that would be of real impact. I'm sure of
it. As sure as I am of anything in my life, and probably then some because often
where I fail in having faith in myself, I know that I can put my faith in those
around me. They are incredible people. Back to the original point however
because I'm rambling like mad... the transofrmation that brought me to that
realization. It's made me start to realize the value of eating better and taking
better care of myself. And looking in the mirror and thinking I have the
potential to be an attractive man rather than a dumpy little geek boy (although
I'll always be that as well). It's nice to have that sense of personal power.
That desire to improve and continue to improve one's self. And it's across the
board, I didn't just wake up and think, "Oh I need to get in shape because I
feel fat" It was more holistic. I suppose that I'm a pretty holistically minded
person though. I want to develop the mental, spiritual, and physical. I know
that when I work out, I get tight pretty quickly. I'm not working out really
hard, just some simple exercises around the house when I get a little time, 5
pull ups here, 10 pushups there, 20 situps while I'm sitting on the floor
watching TV... that kind of thing... and already it's showing. The ability to
hold my tongue when people are pissing me off at work. I'm starting to realize
that there is a greater reward out there. It's not worth spraying out negative
shit in order to feel better instantly. There are other ways to deal with
situations like that. And meditation. Not only does it give me the quiet that I
need to help guide me, but it points me in the direction that I need in order to
deal, with everything. There's a lot of crazy shit going on right now. Job-wise,
apartment-wise, project-wise... etc. If I don't take some time to calm down and
breathe, I'll fuck it all up. Don't want to do that. I'm finally feeling good
about it. It's good because those dark moods that I normally have seem to be
lasting less and less as well. Can't beat that as a side effect. Well, hopefully
it'll all turn out... which brings me to my last and final point...

I'm really afraid to mention this. I don't want anyone to know that I feel this
way, so what do I do, I write it down here... so needless to say, this will be
comletely my internal dialog, not anything to do with anyone so that people that
just happen to read this don't go blabbing around about what's up with ol'
Joseph... so here goes. There's this girl... I'm attracted to her and I'm trying
to completely play it off. I'm actually trying to turn it off. I don't want to
feel that way about her because it's just not a situation that would be good.
Or, it could be really f*cking good, is the other side of it... it could go
either way. So I'm freaking out, should I leave myself open to this or should I
just go ahead and set up the boundary now. I'm not sure either way right now,
but I'm not inclined to set up the boundary just yet... she's a hottie, and
she's easily capable of having any man she wants (me included) and considering
the position she's in, I'm inclined to lay back and let her do her thing and
keep my distance. I don't know. We'll see what happens. I think I'm making it
bigger in my head then it will ever be in real life. I tend to do that though. I
used to tell Gloria that "Whatever happens, happens" and that there was no
pressure... I guess that's the mindset that I need to get back into to some
degree. I've been so scattered, throwing out energy this way and that way over
every beautiful woman that walked by. I need to pull that in some and just go
with what is relaxed and feels good. Guess that's my answer in a nutshell...
hmmm... maybe I should write in this thing more...

more later...
j-
--------

I haven't felt like

I haven't felt like writing much lately. Downtime after the play, and letting
everyone blow off their steam after the mad rush to get things done seemed like
the best thing to do. It's been nice to not have to think about anything for the
past few days. But now I feel like I need to move. I need to start really
getting some work donw. My friend Dahl stopped by tonight and we got started
working on some of the prelim stuff to getting the movie made. It's good that
someone outside of myself thinks that this could be an interesting project. It's
low key for what most people are into, but it's got some poigniancy I think
(even if I can't spell) The validation felt good. So we start some pre
production work tomorrow, and hopefully by tuesday we'll have something that we
can take to Kelly and start getting some more done with it. I need actors
though, or more to the point, an actor and actress who are willing to divulge
parts of their intimate life and work for free. That's the rub... the free
thing. But, if it's possible to come up with a good peice of work that is
extreamly low budget, then perhaps we'll be able to eventually get a budget... I
suppose that is in my cards to figure out next, after the project is complete,
how do we start to procure funding for the next thing... that should be
interesting. What logically is the next step? That's really what I need to do.
Perhaps I'll be able to get a job somewhere doing this rather than working with
computers. I'm not going to hold my breath or anything. This is all just fantasy
still. But it would be nice to be able to keep going from here... we'll see I
suppose. It's funny. I'm looking back on what I'm writing and I feel so up when
I think about a project, or a thing that I'm making. But it's so difficult when
I'm just sitting around quietly contemplating my life. I was so down yesterday,
and today. And I'm getting better at masking that to my friends, mostly because
I have to since they can't possibly understand the things that go on in my head,
but also partially because I'm tired of exposing those things to them. I'm
getting tired of the thoughts that are coming out of my mouth about the divorce,
it's been over a year now. And the people that have stuck through with me and
seen me at my worst (and those that met me while I was at the bottom, and still
stuck by which is almost everyone I know at this point) they don't deserve all
that. I mean, I get dark moods. Back in the day they would have said, "Take it
easy, take a pill, and you'll feel better in the morning." Now it's all scary
for people to hear you say, "Today I don't have the will to live." Well, you
know what? A lot of days went by that I did not have the will to live. Not every
day, but a lot of days. The one thing that I want to tell everyone who was ever
too scared to own up to that part of themselves, or wanted to overreact and
throw someone into a mental hospital every time someone said they had a mood...
fuck them. Okay, now there is an exception to this in that anyone who is holding
a razor or a knife over their flesh with grievious intent is probably in need of
some medical attention. But simply saying, "I hate my life and want to die" is
probably not enough by itself to make a call about. Just my $.02 and I'm sure
there are a lot of people out there who will disagree. I think that generally
people are suicidal for a reason though, be it medical, spiritual, whatever. I
think I'm just a nut job myself and I have mood swings from the extreamly manic
where I'm up for days getting work done, to the depressed where I don't want to
move and sleep for 18 hours at a stretch... oddly enough, I still have very
consistant threads of thought and creative formulation. It's not so scattered as
I once thought it was. So that gives me hope that I haven't gone completely off
my rocker yet. Hopefully I won't. So I'm not really in a dark mood now, but I do
ponder it from time to time,, I think that maybe I'm the only one out there that
has all this self destructivness trying to ooze it's way out. I know I'm not,
but still...

Okay, just so everyone has this little bit of insight... when you meet someone
who you were previously introduced to but don't remember, and you're introduced
to them again... don't ask them, "Do I hate you?" because they might just
answer, "Go ahead, 'cause it'd only be mutual now..." You know who you are ;-)

More later...
j-
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Okay, so it's a

Okay, so it's a slow day... I'm aware of that since I'm actually writing here
about some shit that is happening on the Springer show... Okay, so this woman,
says she loves this other woman and she gave up her kids to be with her, and
then this other woman dumps her for a man... okay. First and foremost the whole
thing smacks of confussion... as a good friend of mine once intimated, "I'm
sorry but 'Bi' in my book just means 'confussed'" and since then I think I've
realized that he's right. At least it seems to play out that way more often than
not. So anyway... this woman "gave up [her] kids"... DUmbASS!!! WTF?!? What
could possibly motivate some one to give up their kids for the love of another
person. I mean, she deserved to lose her kids if that's what her f*cking
priorities are. Jesus... we need to come up with some sort of reversible birth
control device to keep stupid people from reproducing until such a point that
they have become responsible enough to have children. Fuck the dumb shit... of
course there is the fact that I'm watching this on Springer... and then I'm
incriminating myself by admiting that I'm watching Springer... but still, at
least I know that I'm not about to stoop to the level of giving up my kids for
some dumbass $2 'ho... It's the little realizations in life that make it so
worth it, isn't it? ;-)

okay... more later...

j-
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Sometimes I think that

Sometimes I think that there is never enough time in the day to do everything
that I feel I need to do. Looking for apartments, looking for the next big
thing, looking for the next idea that's going to make money for me, the next
words that are going to express who I am and what I'm about, or the next bit of
music that's running through my head. It's too much. I need to think about one
thing and get it done. Although which thing (or more to the point, thingS) is to
be prioritized highest? It's not as easy as it might seem. But I have to focus,
obviously on the day to day shit first... that's apparent... like the food, and
shelter, and electrcity and all that... income, work, whatever... that's a
given. Same with work and working on the video idea... but I've got to balance
that all... The play is winding up, at least my part in it... and I think that
there won't be a lot left for me to do with it at this point, but needless to
say, it will be done... still... it will be nice to have the extra time back
that rehersals and staging won't be going on constantly... It's going to be
sweet to get back to my own work... It'll also be nice to get some shit rolling,
this play came up just as I was getting all jazzed about making some video work,
so I've had to put it down... now, I get to pick it back up and I get to work
with the first few phases... it'll be fun if nothing else... maybe it'll go
somewhere though... maybe it'll wind up looking the way that I'm wanting it
to... If it doesn't then I'll figure out what I need to do to get it there...
who I need to coordinate with the make it the way I want it... and to get the
team together that can stand behind the vision I'm after and make it come to
life (I'm starting to understand directing I think, and that is finding the best
way to motivate someone to bring out the best of themselves... it's a coaching
position in a way, but more organizational... it takes an artistic vision, it
takes an eye to detail, it takes knowledge of lighting and sound, and a sense of
style. I think that I have that (or can attain that) and more, I think that I
can get the right people together that can coelesce on a single vision and start
to pull it together. It's a challenge, it's a strech goal, as certain business
collegues would say. I accept that though, and I will meet the challenge. It's
too important now to really make the ball roll... perhaps the sense of urgency
is the sense of myself growning older and wanting to make my mark on the world
before I go... part of it is because I want to see something new and interesting
on screen, and part of it is because not only should I do amazing things, but
those around me should be doing amazing things, and they are! So hopefully with
all of us together on a project, (each to his own ability) then we should be
able to make one hell of a film. And we all win...

I've got a couple of things to attend to before we get there though... a lot of
reading, a lot of watching... time spent learning... researching... ugggg....
time time time... where does it all go...
--------

okay, I got burned

okay, I got burned good from that one. I think I learned my lesson though. I'm trying to make stage money, not a simple task... at least not for the unweary beginner at the prop master field... frankly I hope I'm never prop master again, I'd rather deligate that to someone else that is far more knowledgable than I am. But it's good experiance, and I'm learning more than I could have hoped. I gotta eat the cost of the screw ups though, I feel it's only right, they can't use them, and they are expensive, and I'd rather the actors get paid considering all the work they are doing to get this shit going. There are a couple of really hardcore lessons to come out of this though, 1) always check with the director (and producer for that matter) when it comes down to an item that might or might not work. If there is any doubt whatsoever, ask. Ouch. That's the tooth that I just got kicked in falling out... ;-) and 2) Don't spend a bunch of money on an item that might not work. DOn't spend a bunch of money at all, but especially if there's a question... get some sort of approval, and options before it comes to that... then if you have to spend the money... ugggg... hard lesson to learn days before the show. Alright... I gotta go... got a bunch of shit to get dome before tonights rehersals...

j-
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Last night was a

Last night was a blast... downside is that today is monday and I'm hurting from
it. Not a problem other than that though. Went to see Delta 72 last night, great
great band, so much energy live that it's impossible not to get into the show.
It's a real heavy blues influance with that garage rock sensability. Fucking
aawsome show, I danced my ass off, and drank my liver off... of course now I'm
suffering for it, but it was all worth it. Lots of fun... I tried to get a bunch
of people to go, but WTF... what are you gonna do, you can lead horses to water,
but you can't make them drink. Whatever. It was a really fun time though, I
would advise checking out the show whenever you see these guys come through town.

So there's a little more to the story too, albeit somewhat related to the past
that I keep trying to escape from. BUt here is is anyway. A few years ago,
Gloria and I (and a few others) put this show together for Derby which turned
out to be a really good event actually, I lost all kinds of money, but what else
is new whereas Gloria was concerned at least. SO we put on this show and one of
the bads is The Delta 72, different lineup then, less refined too, but these
kids steped out of this van after a 12 hour trip, wearing vinyl and pleather and
looking all dipped in black, obviously road worn and tired, but they put on one
of the best live shows I've ever seen. Still do apparently. So we did that show
a while back, and then the other day Gloria's calling telling me she feels all
good because things are coming full circle or whatever, and I'm pissed because I
don't feel like things are coming full circle, if anything I feel like this
whole mourning process has left me pretty empty after it's all said and done
with (which isn't a bad thing really, necessarily) but even beyond that there is
no way that I want to hear her "feel good" crap and listen to more lies about
how happy she is in her life right now and all that. I mean good for her if she
is, that's great and all, but I don't want to be the one to hear about it,
right? She needs to save that shit for her little fish man boyfriend. So I tell
her on the phone that I don't want to ever hear from her again unless it's
reading about her in the obituary section. There. It's as simple as that, but
she doesn't seem to ever get that, she wants to be "friends" and all that.
That's bullshit, I say. "Friends" is no longer in the equation after a lot of
the shit she pulled. So, in order for her to get the hint, I have to be totally
over the top rude and obnoxious to her. I hate that. I hate having to be that
way, but have you ever had that annoying little dog that follows you around
barking? She's a lot like that little dog, and you just wind up wanting to drop
kick her out into the street. SO I pull all that rude shit, not because I want
to, but because if I don't, she's going to keep calling me, calling my family,
generally being a pest. I quit the job of emotional support for Gloria when I
got divorced from her. Hopefully she understands that now. But it all kind of
makes sense now from the aspect that I fell in love with another stipper named
Tracy, which only serves to trivialize the relationship that Gloria the elder
and I had, making it seem far less important than it was. And then, now I'm
seeing this same band, that was there in the beginning, perform live and put on
a kick ass show, and having a great time of it all, by myself. And it felt
incredible by all comparisions... so there, now it seems my own life is coming
full circle... mourning is over, I'm cool with being alone at this point in my
life and I've got a lot of cool things that I'm working on. Can't beat that..

more later...
j-
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