Today is day number

Today is day number two that I've recieved a message from Gloria. I hope this is not going to be a continuing pattern. However. She's upset that I've said some disparaging things about her in my journal in the past. Imagine that. Me writing about how I feel in a journal, me conveying my experiances in whatever form is possible through writing to this journal... it's beyond me. She want's me to change my journal, to alter entries. I'm not going to do it. First, because if my uncle has tried and failed, and regardless of my relationship with my uncle- I respect and honor him far far greater than I do Gloria-, what makes her think that I'm going to do it for her? That's just crazy. Second, there's no legal recourse that she could possibly have that would make me take it down. I'm not slandering her, I'm not misrepresenting her, I'm talking about MY FEELINGS as they happen here and that is the whole point of this. So, "No" to the modifications. It's plain and simple. I will however, post the entire text of our little email dialog so that she can clearly represent herself. And I will also post my responses because I'm pretty proud of how level headed and well thought out I managed to make them. I can remember a day when it would have been really ugly, and I've managed to confirm for myself that I am past that. So, without further ado...

-----------Her Original Message------------------------
From: Sean B----- <-------@earthlink.net>
Reply-To: -------@earthlink.net
To: josebiro@josebiro.com
Subject: WoooooH
Date: 29 Nov 2001 20:44:23 -0600

Jeeeze Jose

Perk up, Goth is out.

If everything was my fault why does your life still suck and why is mine really great, I'm in Loyola's BSN program, rehabing a building, friends..... Make yourself happy.



Gloria


-------------My Reply....-----------------------------------

Date: Thu, 29 Nov 2001 22:23:21 -0600 (CST)
From: Joseph
To: Gloria <-------@earthlink.net>
Subject: Re: WoooooH

What? Hell has frozen over to have all the little cockroaches crawl out of
their holes and come to bug me, hasn't it? Oh- life is a funny thing
at times. Just when I think I'm rid of you for good you rear your ugly
head. You're sort of like a tick that way I suppose, burrowing your narrow
little head under the surface and suck suck sucking until the host is
completely dry (please, refrain from the analogies...). I guess you
managed to pull your head out just long enough to send this little tid bit
to me eh? Somehow I suspect something narcissistic in your motives, but at
the same time it's a little flattering. Can't stop thinking about me after
all these years, I know... Wish I could say the feeling is mutual, but
since you ask, I am doing well. I've been busy and stressed, oh, and
making a lot more money lately, it's nice to finally live comfortably and
not in squaller, animal filth, constant stress, and manipulation. It frees
me to pursue more creative outlets. I've been doing a little theater, a
little cinema, I'm starting to make a name for myself in several arenas
and it feels pretty good. I'm sure you're intelligent enough to realize
that not everything going on in my life makes it to the journal. I learned
a long time ago that there are women out there that just want a man to
take care of them and will do anything to achieve that goal. I try not to
advertise too many details. No, things are going pretty well now, I hate
my current job, but I'm being recruited by two other firms which is rare
in this economy. No real love interests right now, but it's nice to not
worry about it, which is a recent bit of happiness and comfort... I don't
need to worry about it though, I figure the right girl will come along at
the right time, and I'll recognize her this time instead of perpetuating
the cycles of bad decision making I was wrapped up in. I've lost a lot of
weight, I've taken myself off antidepressants, and off of all drugs. I
have fun doing exactly what I'm doing which, if I recall was one of our
wedding vows... "making every day an adventure." Funny the irony, don't
you think? I'm going out to LA next week to try and drum up financial
support for a project I'm working on, I've been promised a Lakers game
while I'm out there. Oh, and I get to go watch Catherine do stand up! I'll
tell her you send your regards. She'll love to hear that. I'm probably
going to go on tour with a friends band early next year, he's got Virgin,
Sony, and Mercury all interested and bidding, he's letting me do all the
video for the stage show and the tour, it's going to ba a blast plus it'll
be bonus money... it's a pretty good chance that if all that goes well
I'll get the video deals as well which is good because I have a ton of
ideas. All of those fears that I used to expose to you, the ones that you
used to ridicule and resent me for... it's funny, but they gradually just
melted away. They don't seem to exist at all anymore. I never noticed them
slip away, but the change is obvious. I used to be afraid to live, and now
I'm not afraid of *anything*... it's a nice spot to be in. There's part of
me that wishes you could have made the rest of this journey with me, I
can't deny that I still think about it. I don't dwell on it though. There
are more bitter memories than fond ones. The fond ones are usually of
Isabelle. I'm sure she's not ever going to share that view. But I know that
when I have kids, I'm going to be the best Dad. I learned that from her
(learning the hard way is still learning). I learned a lot of how to do it
from you too, that and more from you though... which is what makes it
painful to deal with you. I've had to go through some crazy shit to get
you out of my system. I think it was worse than any kind of chemical
withdraw, but just the same it was worth it. Like finding religion after a
decade long crack addition, I've come through the other side and I like
what I see. I like the man I've become. Oooooohhh, yeah, I remember what
it was... I found a story that had a character, June Jones, it was an F.
Scott Fitzgerald short, the character reminded me of you. The story... I
think it's called "Winter Dreams" hehehe... how's that for irony? It's
good though, you might have read it... No, you want something to feed your
ego, here... I'll cut to the quick. Obviously it was difficult after
someone so "experianced" as you to enjoy other lovers (see, I'm being kind
and not calling names despite the tempation), so eventually I quit
trying... It's amazing to me how many women out there are completely used
to having really bad sex. I've had to fight them off to make them go away
a couple of times because I was so spoiled and they couldn't live up, but
what other options are there at times? I don't know... that's all been a
while ago. Celibacy is frustrating, but it lets me focus my energy (it's
funny how people that can't get a date call it "celibacy" even though they
would break it at the drop of a dime, don't you think? ;-) I at least have
the luxury of not wanting a date, so I feel justified) No, now I'm just
looking for Ms Right. She'll be along sooner or later, and if not, I'll
enjoy the ride regardless (no pun intended)... now that I've dumped all
the weight and have been working out, even the Lincoln Park Trixies are
checking me out, so that feels good. Scarey, but good. Anyway, I guess
that's a more accurate representation of what's going on with me then what
you've been reading. Still I have to think you've been reading the old
stuff because I've done a lot of entries that don't mention you at all.
Family and friends have been far more important to me lately. You still
creep up now and then though both in my journal and wether I want it or
not, in my life. I suppose you will from time to time. I don't know why I
have a tendancy to fall in love with the wrong people, but I did for
you... and hard. So if that feeds your ego, so be it. Life does go on, and
mine doesn't revolve around you so I suppose you're free to get your kicks
however you feel at this point. Which brings me to my last point I
suppose, which is the same old song and dance... Please don't
write/call/whatever... blah blah blah... you've ignored it every other
time, I suppose you will this time too, but it makes me feel better to
say. Good luck with life and I hope one day you find what you're after.

Regards,
Joseph

--------------------Mail from her today--------------------

From: ------@luc.edu
To: josebiro@josebiro.com
Subject: Wait...before you put that filter on......
Date: 30 Nov 2001 14:14:03 -0600



Jose,

This is my actual account so this is what you want to block. Howvever before
you do there are some things that I would like to clear up and ask you to
remove from your site. As well as apologize for my e-mail last night.
First, I was diagnosed with BPD by a bad doctor in a bad hospital. I do not
currently or have I ever had BPD, please correct that. If you would like you
may put that I was addicted to oxycontin for nearly nine months, suffered from
an undiagnosed ACL tear, and lived with a drug addict, which complicated my own
true isms and addictions. I am and will always be a co-dependant who is
addicted to chaos because it distracts me from doing my own work. I am very
greatful to say that with two years of intensive therapy and some really great
hypno-therapy regression that I have been able to face the "Great Pit of
Forever Unloveable" that has been in my heart since before I had a consious
memory of it. I am sure that you don't want to, but Joseph, I am very proud of
my recovery, and I want it to be out there for people to see that it is
possible to face your deamons and come out on top. I wish this for you too.
Last night, as I was praying I asked God what to do because I knew that sending
you that nasty little e-mail was not the right thing to do. All I know is that
what I was trying to say though it dosen't look like it is- Why won't you do
the things to make yourself happy? Actually I know that answer. You are an
addict as much as I am or Sean or Mack. And for and addict to change whe have
to hit rock bottom. It is the Robert Downey Jr. Scenario, he keeps using
because people keep bailing him out and giving him "last chances". I hit my
rock bottom with my suicide attempt. I knew I had to change or die, and I had
used up all my last chances. You are very unhappy but you aren't enoungh to
change. Joseph, your journal is an endless cycle of "hotties" that you meet
fall for and then lose, it is and exhausting emotional rollercoster ride to
read. When was the last time that you atarted from the begining and caculated
what your cycle of up's and suicidal lows were? Use your journal as a tool for
recovery . Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing
over and over again and expecting different results. I am so thankful to God
that through my attempt and and my recovery that I have been able to break a
large part of that cycle. However and you saw from last night it is a constant
battle not to fall back into old patterns. I really don't intend on obsessing
over your site, I am really not that interested. But it was enlightening to
see you and all your issues on the screen in front of me and it confirmend that
I was only responsible for 50% of the breakdown in the relationship. That is
all either one was responsible for.
I understand that for your readership that you must refer to me as the sad ex
but I really think that you should evaluate that statement. I have my struggles
with Sean, but they aren't pointless and repetitive issues. We have fears over
money and the business, but there is that constant feeling of moving forward--
no more grinding days of not wanting to get up out of bed and feeling suicidaly
depressed which sadly enough you seem to still cycle through.
Jose, I just really do wish and will pray, in much the same manner that you
mocked your stepmother that you surrender to God and please try just one
Narcotics Anonomous meeting, and that you break this cycle in your life. You
are brilliant. Just imagine how much more you could do clean and sober... There
are a lot of recovering addicts that are still creative. I know that is what I
thought I would loose if I gave up my addiction to seeking excitement. I still
write fabulously and am getting ready to work with Naomi Wolf on a revision of
her recent book. In the day I would have self sabatoged that whole scenario
because I didnt feel deserving.
I hope that you read this and that you didn't just dump it and I hope that you
are not turned off but the fact that I am really making a strong statement for
you to look in your heart and see if you are an addict. No one can tell you and
and only You and God know. Even though I have expressed my opinion on the
matter it is not for me to decide or make a judgement about it. It is hard to
pray for you, but when I have problems with people I ask for God to give them
1000 times more abundance than I ask for myself. I hope that God finds you
before you hit the bottom.


Peace,

Gloria

-----------------------------My Response to today's letter...----------------

Date: Fri, 30 Nov 2001 16:17:01 -0600 (CST)
From: Joseph
To: ------@luc.edu
Subject: Re: Wait...before you put that filter on......

T-

Regardless of what you had, you were sick. I'll own up to my part. I
crutched on marijuana for a long time, but I don't smoke anymore, and I
don't drink so your assessment of me as an addict is baseless. Furthermore
I got myself together without therapy which I firmly believe it is a
crutch for the weak minded fools that are desperate enough to pay for it.
I have better things to do with my time and money than throw it away on
drugs, women, or therapists. After I went through the mourning period that
I had with you, I came out the other side a stronger person. I know that
you have "selective listening" skills, but I'm assuming from this latest
message that you haven't checked your other account yet, it should make
interesting reading. It explains where I'm at now which is not at all
where you think I am. Your experience and mine are very different.
Always have been, always will be. Reading this letter feels like
that time we went to see Phyllis Shaeffley where we'd decided
that she assumed her experiance was the same as everyone else in
the world. It's simply not the case. Read the e-mail. As for the
journal, everything I wrote is true. Granted, it's all from my
perspective, but it's all true. I will not alter my journal because that
is how I saw events at the time. You've verbally given your permission
once to let me write whatever about you, and I've used it. And to top it
off, those things were the firsthand experiance of what I went through
when I was with you. If I were you, I'd use it like I do, as a tool of
rememberance. If you want to preach your side of things, feel free, write
your own site about it all, knock yourself out. I do have my take on the
things that I experience, and it comes out there. To be honest
though, I don't write about you often enough to really make it worth your
while to make a big stink, and no one reads my pages anyway except for a
few friends. To be perfectly honest, I don't care who you are now, the
Gloria I knew is in the past. So feel free to preach your case to the
world, let them be the judge of who you are now, they will ultimately
decide how they choose to relate to you anyhow regardless of what is or
was ever written about you by me or anyone else. As for me, I'm golden,
you should really read the response I sent you yesterday. And don't dig
too much for meaning in what words I write in the journal. What is there
is a momentary snapshot of an emotional state, and as we all know by now-
emotional states are fleeting and volitile. I'm pretty in touch with
that now, just as I was when I started it three years ago.

Okay, now that I'm done with my inital reaction, I'll respond to points in
your e-mail. Good for you on the BPD count- however, the narcissism that
you had, and still seem to struggle with was a bigger problem. You know
me, you know I never trusted Doctors to really know what was going on
anyhow. Must go back to that "holistic" thing that you preached but
refused to live by. Whatever your addictions, whatever the problems, the
fact remains that you were sick. I was sick too, but in very different
ways. As for your "Forever Unlovable" thing? I knew it from the time you
mentioned Rilke to me. I was just nieve enough to believe that if I loved
you strong enough and hard enough that I could break through it. Instead I
just gave myself a headache beating my head on that brick wall.

So, you ask why I won't do the things to make myself happy... hmmm...
that's really funny. I'm pretty happy overall when I'm not getting email
from you. I'm doing a lot of things that make me happy. I'm doing a
lot of things that at one time would have made you happy to be involved
with as well. Life is actually pretty damn good right now. And getting
better. I learned something important from someone a long time ago. It's
important to take care of ones self, spa days, that kind of thing. It
seems to work, and people really do pick up on it. You see, you misjudge
me. You don't know what my addictions are or were. You thought all the
time that it was the drugs? I knew after a while of being with you that it
was "bad relationships" for lack of time I'll leave it at that rather
gross simplification. You were my "rock bottom" as you put it. And
breaking away from you was my redemption. The really funny thing is when
you write that I am not enough to change. Perhaps this is the very root of
your own problems stemming back to your formative years. I *am* enough to
change. I *am* all I really will ever have in this life and world. I have
friends, they will come and go (not all of them hopefully), I have family,
they will eventually go, I have lovers, they come and go... the one constant?
Me. I have to rely on myself for everything now, and I've learned that I
am completely capable of depending on myself. This makes me dependable to
(*not* dependant on) other people. Other people are willing to pay for, rely
on, and in some cases even die for dependable people. I'm glad to be one
of those. I've always had it in me. Your information about me is limited
so I'll ignore your summery of my life because it's really just ironic. I
withhold information from my journal and I keep close ties on whatever
information about me might leak into your hands because I don't trust you.
I don't like you. And I don't want you knowing anything about what I'm up
to or what I'm doing other than what I'm willing to divulge (which is more
than it used to be, but still far less than someone that I would consider
a friend). I'm sure part of that is the security expert in me, but the
rest of it is just common sense. Fortunately I don't count you as an enemy
either or else I'd probably have to talk to you daily. We don't want to
drop into that do we?

From there you ramble on into some senseless little cliche about the
definition of insanity. All I have to say is that you cling to catch
phrases like a drowning man to a life preserver. Whatever gets you
through. Insanity for me at this point is the expectation that you will
say something even remotely thought provoking and original.

Ah, now here's some meat... the constant battle... I'm starting to run into a
lot of females who say that they are strong and independant, but in
reality are codependant and weak. It's frustrating to see and recognize.
It makes me realize that I can not be with someone that knows in her heart
things will not change, but resigns herself to the misery of it without
hessitation. But I understand as well, It's a struggle to hold on to
change when you realize that what you are is a struggler. I have
emerged from the other side of the nightmare tunnel of what was our
marriage with no struggles. Just a cocoon of emotional chaos. Like a
moth I have emerged from that darkness to light upon a candle, a light,
enlightenment. And its not a struggle to maintain who I am now, it's a
joy. Even now, when I want to write something so nasty and mean, and be as
prickly as I can be, I realize the futility. I have wisdom. I have life. I
know we talked about this a long time ago, and it's just now starting to
come into focus for me but life being the eternal progression that it is
has taught me to never attach literal meaning to premotitions and visions.
I used to think that I would die before I was thirty. One way or another I
knew that I was a dead man. Recently, knowing that my thirtieth birthday
is coming up faster than I really care to think about, it really started
to scare me. What if I put all this energy into this thing and now it's
really going to happen? What if? I was afraid. But I started to think of
all the interpretations of death, of all the things that are written and
our humanly understanding of death, when I realized. What if I already
died? What if I died in that transformational sense that is implied in the
tarot, and discussed among theology students? Then it hit me. The Divorce.
That was the moment I died. It's even more poigniant now, the realization
even more clear, just from talking to you! I'm not going to die
physically, that death I was afraid of has already happened! I can live
now! I can enjoy everything and live without fear now because the worst
has already happened. It's a great comfort and joy to me to know without a
doubt or a moments hesitation that I am no longer the man that was with
you. I am someone wholly different and I can slough off the cocoon that
encased me for those many years. What's really funny to me is that on some
level you get it. You write, "But it was really enlightening to see you
and all your issues on the screen in front of me..." so I know that
somewhere in there you picked up on the import of the journal. Your
interpretation is skewed, but that's nothing new. Regardless, if you know
now you are only responsibile for 50% of what happened, then that is a
good thing. It's all I ever claimed was that I was only 50% responsibile.
I believe you were the one that told me again and again that I was the one
to blame for everything. You won't remember it that way, but I do have
witnesses. Still, you couldn't shake my conviction then, and even though I
doubt on some level you mean it, it's good to know that 50% is all someone
could ever really be responsible for in a couple. I hope that knowledge
does you well with Sean, because ultimately if you want to move forward,
you can only move your 50% forward. You have to be able to rely on the
other 50% to move themselves forward too. It's like a three legged race
that way. One that felt we were always running in circles at.

Now, reading through your letter, we got to the good stuff... first you
accuse me of mocking my step mother, who once you claimed scared you with
her religious convictions. She and I have come to an understanding as of
late though. She won't preach to me, and I won't make fun of her when
we're all on the spaceship riding off this mortal coil. I shouldn't joke
with you about that though, because god only knows how you'll take it.
Seriously though, my religious convictions haven't changed much althought
it sounds as though yours have. You and Mary should get together and have
tea. I've always been open and thought about spirit and how it all fits
and works together. My idea of God and yours is different, I know, but
then you say I am brilliant, so I guess it's good that at least we can
agree on something.

Sobriety comes easier when you don't have constant nagging and
manipulations. It also helps to be motivated and have ideas to
work on. Drugs were easier to kick than you were I'm afraid- and now that
I'm rid of both, just think of all I can do! Drugs were never the
excitement to me though, people were. Fear kept me from wanting to really
experiance things though, so I drugged myself to numb that feeling. Sooner
or later that little world collapsed in on itself though, I started to
feel paranoid. That's when I decided to quit. An important thing to note,
I *decided* to quit. Yes Virginia, there are people out there that can and
do decide to get themselves off the junk. I did it, I'm not the first or
the last. Now I'm addicted to strength, health, character, and
progression. They feel much better in the long run. Chances are I won't
turn to christ or a support group to give them up though, regardless of
how strong a hold they have on me ;-)

Now, knowing that you either haven't read or haven't listened to what I
wrote last time around, I don't expect you to now either. So I completely
expect you to either dismiss or misinterpret this message in part or in
whole. Regardless, you wanted a reaction and I have given it to you. Feel
free to keep praying for me- I do like the one about 1000 times more
abundance than you ask for yourself, I prey that I get a thousand times
more abundance than you do too. Oddly enough I suspect that in the end all
I will get is an equal portion though. So I guess it all evens out. I
wish you well with all that you are trying to accomplish. Pardon me if I'm
pessimistic, but I'm a little jaded on you at this point. Regardless, good
luck with everything and I hope to never hear from you again.

Regards,
Joseph


------------------------end transmission-------------------------

Okay, I just want to say off the top... I'm such a better writer!!! :-) But besides all that, I think the letters speak for themselves.

more later,
j-
--------

I think that the

I think that the more I write here the more I realize the humor that is our human existance. There is a certain, substrata of basic human existance that is really funny, it might be funny in a sad sick and twisted way, but that's funny none the less... I compare it to the irony and hypocrisy of law and governance in "Paths of Glory" or the dark humor of "Dr. Strangelove" or "War of the Roses." It's there though, no denying it. I don't know what about tonight is funnier though, the fact that Gloria keeps re-entering my life at the most awkward moments, or that despite herself she does so at the points that she's least likely to have the impact that she intends. It just goes to show how out of sync we always were. Apparently she's been reading my journal... apparently she's been digging through the archives... apparently she has the narcissistic view that I'm so totally hung up on her still that my life sucks. And therein lies the humor. Oh god... thank god I can't be in her head for a minute to understand what would possess her to write, much less write all of those thoughts that are most absurd. But I suppose it was only a matter of time before she got hooked up with email and found my site again. It's not exactly difficult... regardless... there's something both a little disturbing and a little annoying about her having that info. But then, that's what filter was writen for I do believe. There's always the private mailbox as well, she'll not be able to infest that. Okay, after all of that however, I have to write that life is pretty good right now... I don't want to give a totally false impression. There's a lot up in the air right now for me. There's a lot of things that are on the horizon and could really pay off big if I can only guide things in the right direction. I really want to guide it all in the right direction too, I want to make these things happen. I want to make the things I see into a reality (no cheesy cliches or rhymes intended...) Maybe I write more about the stress and strain that all of that stuff puts on me rather than the good side of it, but this journal has always been about catharsis. It helps me to dig into those things and find a point, then I can carry that point into real life and make things happen with it. So I guess there is just naturally a dark streak to what is in here due to the way I use it. C'est la vie... I'm not changing it for her, that's for sure. I am however going to work on the archiving scripts and hopefully make the sorting and listing a little more elegant. But that's not going to be until I get time... I might not get time until next year the way things are going. Hell, I'll just be glad if the year change doesn't break the ones that are there. I spent all that time last year trying to get that to work right. I know someone out there has written a nice clean module to do what I had to, but what fun is it to learn something by using the work of someone else ;-) ANd here I'm always preaching "Don't reinvent the wheel..." a touch of irony in my life? never... since that brings me back full circle to that whole "ironic humor of human existance" theme... I suppose I'll end this... I still have a lot to do before I take off for LA... I'm so excited I can barely stand it... what's that poem, frost I think, "miles to go before I sleep..." and so I'm off to tackle the first of it...

more later...
j-
--------

I'm coming to the

I'm coming to the conclusion that there is a definite person that I'm looking for. I don't know who she is, or what she'll be like. But I know her. She'll be intelligent, loyal, experienced enough to know that the games you play when you are young are not the path that you want to travel when you're older. She'll be up front and honest, and call me on my bullshit while at the same time being sensative enough and vulnerable enough to be able to ask for support and recieve it graciously. She'll be someone who doesn't care about the mob mentality of acceptance and pretenciousness, but styley enough to stand out regardless. She won't be afraid of addressing large issues head on and will have enough tact to know when it's not appropriate to run head on to something. She'll love music and laughter and know how to talk for hours and hours on end about nothing in particular while being completely proficient at talking about lofty ideas and goals. She will look at me and feel in the pit of her stomache the stone of misery and sorrow that was placed there at birth lift and disolve, she'll know and understand through to her bones that I feel the same way. She will be comepletly supportive of all the grand schemes and ideas I have while gently and serupticiously proding me in the right direction of seeing all my hair brained dumb assed ideas out to their ends. She will be volitile emotionally while still maintaining the perspective of refusing to inflict that volitility on any unwitting partners or coworkers. She will be able to dig into things that are deep and dark and secret and divulge those sides of herself that no other human being on the face of the earth could possibly understand with the ability to distinguish between thost things that would move forward ideally and the ones that would just be painful and inappropriate. She would think of herself as a goddess and think that I am a deserving god to be at her side. An equal. She will be an idealist and an uncompromising one at that... at least uncompromising enough to be strong and compromising enough to work in the real world. I think that there is a lot in the works for me, and there are things that are starting to happen that will bring the end to fruition. Good things emerging. But I'm lonely and it's hard at times. Still it's nice to not take up all those emotional resources and put them into a relationship when there is so much up in the air. This way I'm guarenteed the energy to guide them all to land where I want them to. Three months out. That when it's going to start to fall together. For now, I sit and be happy and dream of the woman I('m going to) love. She's the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, the one that I'll share that romantic idealist vision of youth and naivity with. I will both die, and live and breathe for her... I will live past thirty, and I will have the life and world I desire, and she will become a part of it... I can't wait to meet her...

Oh well... more later... j-
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Ouch. Today I hurt.

Ouch. Today I hurt. Woke up late... got home late... yeah, it's slowly coming back. Loud, loud dark a few lights, good music, fuck I left the t-shirt... what was the name... Front Porch Campaign... good music. reminded me of the good ol' days back home. Butchertown, Twilligans (it was closed and had changed hands a couple of times after that, but we still called it that...) growing up watching bands like Crain, and Rodan, and June of 44 when they released their first cd and weren't all art rock jazz yet (still love those guys, don't get me wrong...) oooooo my head... I was drunk... gin and tonic to wiskey and coke to beer... better then the other way around, I'd have wound up sick I'm sure. Finally got to meet the infamous Jackson, not at all what I expected. This guy was crazy. Good guy though, I can see how they became good and fast friends. parties are funny things, you go to a really good one, and it's the best one you've been to in forever... at least since the last really good one you went to, right? ;-) Oh man. this cycle of abuse has got to stop. I think I'm getting too old for it all. My head hurts to bad to get anything done today. I'm not really happy about that. I'm going to take it easy though, read, watch some kubrick, try to get inspired again. The weekend was great for that, the long thanksgiving weekend that is, we watched so much film and it makes me lust for work. I want to get things done, I want to start this fire and make it burn because it's raging to get out somehow... but I'm starting to feel it doused when I throw alcohol and other chemicals on it. I guess I'm getting old. That's what Dana told me a couple of days ago... it was totally funny, we're both suffering from sexual frustration and talking shit about it, she says, "Yeah, you know, I like tothink about it but really all I'm thinking is 'I don't really feel like it cause I'm too full and I'm kinda sleepy and...'" she started laughing, and I did too because I knew the feeling... it was like 2am right after thanksgiving though but it was still funny. "We're getting old." she said... and I couldn't help but agree. I don't feel so old after last night though, although I feel considerably older this morning... hmmmm wonder why that is... oooooooooooooooo advil.... okay, for posterity, and mostly because it's starting to finally come back to me... Vinnie and the Demons played first... left off with this nasty, dirty, low down, "wish-I-had-a-hottie-to-grind-with", play of "I just wanna make love to you" I'm thinking muddy waters or something? I'm not too sure at this point, and I'm horrible with that kind of thing... super-nasty-down-and-dirty-sexy blues. The kind I like... the kind that puts you in that toe-curling tantric sex trance... good stuff... then Front Porch Campaign, southern punk rock evolution, home spun rock-n-roll. like I said, it brought me back to that louisville scene and the natural progression of it all... really really good stuff... you can go crazy at those shows which is the draw to it. midwestern crown turned uninhibited dancing meyhem. I love to see that. usually it's all the hipper then thou want to be so cool that they can't shake their ass crowd and instead they were all so drunk that it no longer mattered. that's a good thing. until now of course when you have to wake up sore and sick and wondering why it is your body aches without the pleasure of someone passed out next to you and give validation to muscles aching and feeling broken. (for those that don't know, sex is a much easier justification for that broken feeling then drink and dance, anyway, it's a more pleasent justification at least) ooooooo alright... motivate... must start moving to getting things done. I think I'll go grab some cash and a couple of slices of pizza at the corner and come back and try to get my head on for project work. cameras, production, lighting, exposure... I need to have these things down... so I need to get to work... understanding is the foundation of enlightenment... education the bedrock of understanding... experiance the cement of education... if I want to make this happen I have to stay focused. hehehe... me saying that... that should be good for a few laughs to those that know me should they stumble across this page...

more later... j-
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miles miles miles.... too

miles miles miles.... too many miles between here and home, and too many miles between the man I am today and the man I was ten years ago. Or a year ago for that matter. I was talking shit with a friend of mine and she asked me about the ex. I spouted off a bunch of shit because of the bitterness I've held on to for so long. It's easy to be bitter toward her, she really asked for it. But it's been so long and there's so much time and distance between the person I was then. My mind has transformed, my spirit, my body... all changed dramatically shice I was a married man with a wife and child. I think I finally stumbled on the answer to my mental block about anything regarding sexuality. I've been working on getting my "picker" as it's been called, back into some functioning order. Especially after the past few "successes" I've had in the romance department. I know that's why I've been staying away from the whole thing, it's not that I'm afraid of the game, but afraid of lossing at it so badly again. I had fun sexing at Dana on the phone however it was meant. She's funny. I dont' think she means it, at least not much, but she humors me. Yeah, i'd sleep with her, she's the total badass woman that I'm looking for in so many ways, but we're not at all right for eachother. Regardless, she's smart, funny, sarcastic in that caustic way that will corrode the chrome off your ego, and more earnest and forthright than anyone I have ever known. She doesn't understand the power of her honesty and covers it up by saying she's bullshitting all the time. I get more out of her "bullshit" then I do most peoples truth, I think that's why I love her so much though. She definitly strikes me deeply, more so than most people I've ever encountered. God love her, I hope that we're friends until the day one of us dies, then beyond that. We talked a couple of times and the truth just pours out of me when I talk to her, I don't know why, maybe it's because we talk about once a year and it's safe, or maybe because I know that she's thoughtful and will ask the hard questions that make me think, or maybe because I'm hopeing that the more I expose to her the greater the chance she'll just rip into me with all she's got, therefore fulfilling that life long wish for ridicule and self destruction that I've got running so deeply through my veins. Who knows, maybe I'm just bullshitting her, I don't know. I told her things that I haven't even verbalized to myself though and as soon as I did, there was some clarity around my life. No greater muse could I have hoped for. Lifes funny in the way it delivers people to you just at that point that you need them. I needed her this weekend whether I knew it or not. Oh, just to be clear, I didn't know it. Okay, just in case you read this Dana... I'm waiting for you to come up here, cause when you do, there's absolutely nothing you're going to be able to do (or that you will want to do) from stopping the insane playground monkey sex I have in store for you... ;-) And deny it as you might, you'd love it and you know it... (*evil laugh*)

Family was great, I'll write more about it soon, I had a great time with my mom, and I think I'm going to have to write my Dad a letter to express a few things. I don't know how I will verbalize what I'm thinking about with him face to face, and I have a tendancy to write things better then talking during those times. I want to avoid any miscommunications, although as I've learned, sometimes that's impossible when talking to someone who speaks a different language (or reads a different languange as was the case whenever I would write my friend Sara... she inevitably misinterpreted every idea I tried to communicate, I'm convinced). Regardless of the issues that crept up, it was a good few days. I got to talk with my mom and we spent a lot of time together. We haven't had a chance to do that in a long time so it was a good thing. Lots of stuff to write about... but for now, I'm off... there's a party and friends to reconnect with.

more later... j-
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Nothing like a wake

Nothing like a wake to make you face your own mortality. It's a grim reminder when you're just starting to rise, to make a name for yourself to be forced into reckoning your own impending demise. "We've all got to go sometime," they say. It's inevitable, sooner or later you'll be gone. I'm just now starting to understand that your legacy, that which you create and can depend on making you immortal in the eyes of the world and of god, is your children. That's the most precious gift to the world you can ever give. Not the idealist visions of utopia, or music, or art, or movies. All of those will be forgotten, washed away in the sands of time. But your genes, your legacy to all those generations to follow. That is what will last forever. The funreral today was that of my friend Jesus' mother. It's impossible for me to fathom life without my parents. I remember when it was impossible to imagine life with my parents, and times that they seemed like a dreaded enemy rather than the friends they've turned into... with age, with wisdom. My friend, seeing him in such pain. My heart was wrenched in every direction at once. It was twisted in feeling the imense pain that he wore on his face, in his shoulders and hands. He was heavy with the weight of it. It was heavy enough to crush me as well as all the friends that were with him. Poor Jesus, he's grown up now, whether he wants to be or not. Sorrow aging more than time can ever hope to all by itself. But he's strong. He's resiliant. His mother brought him up well. He will go on, but life can never be the same with something so profound. But that is life, ever changing, ever evolving, for the good, for the bad... she's no longer in pain, resting with her god, in peace. I cry for the heartache that each of her friends and family feels at her passing. I cry for all the heartache it reminds me of. I can't pretend to be close to all of them in a manner that would get them to call me if something was wrong. I'm not going to pretend that he and I are so close as to use me as a friend to lean on although he certainly can. He's got those people though, and some of them I know, they are good people. He will pull through. It's the way of life. Still my heart goes out to them all in their grief.

I wish it were so easy to bury grief as it is bodies.

I had a dream this morning. It's been a long time since I dreamed of Karen, I'd finally given up on her but there she was again. It was disturbing because we were together and we were happy. It was some tropical setting, her parents were around, and unhappy as ever that we were together. I had a lot of explaining to do. I remember being happy. Something that I wish I could have been while I was really with her. I remember thinking of her as the girl that I was going to marry, being "high school sweethearts" and all. I also remember breaking up with her and not really wanting it to be over, like I knew we'd come together again some day. It was totally naive, I know. We don't know eachother anymore, I'm not even sure I knew her back then anymore. I miss her. More I miss what she represented. Young romantic naivity. Something that I fought so hard against when I was with her. I wanted worldliness, I wanted experience. I paid for it, and I've gotten a lot out of it too, but the price was definitly high. Gloria. I thought she would be the one that I could give my heart to and she'd be strong enough to accept it. I was wrong. WAY wrong. She was a cheap tramp, she was ammoral, and the only shred of decency she had was toward her daughter. That was the one redeeming trait. That's what makes a good tragedy though, the evil villian with the one redeeming trait that winds up being their undoing. I gave my heart to an unwanting amoral tramp rather than the good-hearted, kind, strong, woman. I hope to god that I was not her undoing. Regardless, I miss that naivity that let me hope against hope that everything would work out for the best, that all the world would be set right by romantic idealism. That I would settle down and marry the right woman, at the right time, and produce a few pups to carry on the family name, worthy successors to my modest but adequate empire. All of that is gone now though, I have to face the prospect of living to the end of my days alone. My heart... thrown out the window with the ring that sat on her finger for all of a day.

I am a broken man, though all the heartache and misery. I know that without my family I would be a dead man. They are the ones that stuck by. My friends, the ones that were mine that is... they held strong too, not comprehending, but there just the same. Heartbreak is impossible to fathom when you've got nothing to gauge it with, so it is for so many of my friends. I'm glad of that too because I wouldn't have ever wished the pain I felt on any of them. I still would never wish it upon any of them. Jesus, he knows now. He knows bitter profound heartache, more so than even I can understand. I love him and hurt for him. I wish him and his family strength in this time of grief. God bless and watch over them all, and may his precious mother rest in peace.

j-
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I've found that banks,

I've found that banks, in all their monitary glory, are really only good at one thing. Creating a paper trail. There is a paper trail for every single action that could possibly happen from every monitary transaction to every change in policy and proceedure to the simplest of tasks regarding change control on the most mundane of servers. Like my workstation for instance. If I wanted to install a new shell on my workstation, which I am the only user of, which has no system impact other than that which is seen by me, which has to potential of only increasing my productivity and has no adverse effect, I have to fill out a form, get four other people to buy off on the process for making the change, approve the change itself, document and approve a backout proceedure for the change, havew a round table discussion of why the change is necessary, who is effected by the change, the scope and cost of the change and any potential downtime that might be incurred from the change, and then, should everyone and their mother buy off on the idea of installing a new shell on my workstation, then and only then will the request be passed up to a senior VP of system integration who knows nothing about UNIX much less the why's and wherefore's about shells and what they do whi can sign a paper and ultimately clear the path for a new shell to be installed on my desktop workstation.

Ultimately the only effect this has to to make one so completely frustrated that Sun didn't integrate bash into their core packages long ago because the process for installing it after the fact is far more painful and monumental to get around then to change the base distro itself. So now, you have a worker that is pissed off at the bank, pissed off at process, pissed off at the vendor, and ultimately pissed off at their own lack of productivity due to the need for this obscenely long paper trail that ultimately serves no purpose but to line the vaults of some warehouse sized archive somewhere so that when the shit really hits the fan and the revolution comes, someone will one day be able to look back on all the documents stemming from the inocuous event of installing a new shell on their personal workstation and see how long the process took to get from the bottom dwelling lowly slave labor contractor, up to the senior vice president of systems engineering who taking time out of his bust vacation schedule or some golf game or another, and ultimately approved the change only to bring about the untimely demise of the world economy based on the unfortunate decision to approve the productivity enhancing shell on the slaves workstation. All of whom got fired no doubt.

Needless to say, this is a frustrating way to try and work. I'll write more later, I have to go fill out my bowel evacuation and replenishment forms and get three senior VP's approval before I go to the bathroom and then grab a diet pepsi...

j-
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Okay, tonight was a

Okay, tonight was a good night...

The party rocked. It was a little bit frat house a little bit hip hop house, and over all a lot of fun. I got to get a buzz on, hang out with friends that I love and respect, impress a person from work with the wonderful experience that is me ;-) and have a lot of realizations that made the whole experience rather enlightening.

I think that I have finally come to the point that I am okay being alone now. It's been a long time coming. I feel comfortable in my own skin, and I had fun just hanging with people and looking at some really attractive women without the worry of actually playing the game... there's more to that, but I'll get to it in a minute. For now however, it made me feel good to take this girl that I work with to the party, and talk to her and watch as she really just opened up and went after the guy she wanted, who she wound up getting surprise surprise :-) Still I have to admit being a little envious, but really not enough to make me desperately go after someone and make an ass of myself (not that she did that... I'm just saying...) There wasn't really anyone there that caught my interest. Not enough to have a second look, a lot of good first looks though. I wonder what that is though, chemistry is a strange thing... I wasn't feeling it at all... regardless, it was a fun night, met a lot of really interesting people and had a lot of fun. It made me feel good, in a way, to have this girl say to me, "You don't mind that I'm leaving with this other guy..." and say, "No." it was like all of the sudden, I understood what it was in life that I wanted. I realized that there is some bit of chemistry that needs to happen, that spark of whatever that makes two people just "click," and if I don't find that person it's okay. It was a respect thing she did though, and it felt good to be respected. She needed that too, apparently her dumbass boyfriend is having "commitment" issues. His loss, the moron... first off, she's really cute, second, she's smart and nice and a good person. hehehe I feel sort of privledged to be the one that brought on that little encounter though, she's got some self confidence again and he's got NOTHING, BUPKIS, ZILCH, NADA :-) hehehe... sweet.... yeah, I get a little evil pleasure out of that... but they were broken up, so I didn't really do anything evil, and besides, he deserved it. Anyway... that was fun, so I keep talking about it, but what I wanted to move on to was the part about how I'm starting to realize what it is I really want. Of course I realize it's being very demanding, but regardless, I know what it is... and frankly, I'm worth it... I know my value now. I want a girl that can capture my mind... I always have. That's why things have fallen the way they have relationship-wise for me as well... Gloria couldn't do it, of course I try either after a while so it's not all her fault. But it's not exactly like she was trying to meet me half way either so... Kelly, yeahm she did a good job of it, we had the music thing in common of course... Karen, now that's a girl that really had some idea of how to mentally stimulate, yeah... she could definitely stimulate alright };-> Ooooooo... yeah, I still get that little chill when I think about her... I have to say though, the girl that really hit me hardest, the one that captured me on all levels across all boundries... Mikey, oh wow... Mikey, what a hottie she was... I've tried hard not to admit it to myself but it's true. I think that I tried to cover it up because in her darkest hour I was going through mine as well, and I had to shut it all out because I knew I would never live through it any other way, it was the survival instinct at it's horrible worst which is surprising considering how much I fought against my own survival... Too bad too, but life is like that at times... I only hope that I can find someone to do that again. I'm lucky though, at least I had it once. A lot of people can't even say that...

so that's where I am tonight, feeling good about coming home alone. There's a lot of stuff in the works right now, and I know that if I stay on a steady course, and play things the way they need to be played, I'll come out on top... and It will be well deserved. Yeah, I'm starting to feel that by trying to be good and do right by people that I'm really starting to get somewhere in life. Of course, this too shall pass, but for now... it feels pretty good. Life is actually good right now, and I'm glad I'm writing it all down, because at least I'll get to read it over again one day and know that this day, out of so many others, is a good day.

I'm wired, I'm not going to sleep for a while, (it's like, twenty to four in the morning) but I'm going to go now and try to start thinking about sleep at the very least...

more later... j-
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Party tonight... woohoo! I'm

Party tonight... woohoo! I'm sure there should be something interesting to talk about tomorrow, but we'll see. Last few parties I've been to have been totally lame. I want this one to be different. Food, alcohol, friends... it should be good.

So I've been thinking lately... it struck me the other day that it would be really nice to have a sex drive. Haven't really had one since I had to kick out the ol' lady... it's like when I gave up my marriage, I gave up my libido. I know that's bullshit... and it's been coming and going lately a little... (no pun intended)... but it just seems that there's something missing from life when there is no "drive" if you know what I mean. I guess it would be different if I had someone to have a sex drive about, but that's not even on the radar right now. It's odd, I've never spent a day like that before two years ago, and now that's all I've had for two years. It didn't really matter before now because I was "mourning" and the I was "bitter" and now that the bitterness is getting old and I'm moving on to "acceptance" its starting to weigh on my mind a little I suppose. I was starting to get really frustrated for a while there, it caused me to do some crazy things... I cut some ties with people that needed to be cut, probably in ways that were totally absurd but who cares, the reasons were correct even if the method was not. I've never been "subtle" about much of anything. So here I sit, no sex drive, no potential, no direction. It's starting to get old. News today was good though. I needed it. Maybe there is a direction there. I did the smart thing a few months ago and it's kept me in the green, fortunately my skills keep people interested in what I can do for them. It's a good thing. Besides, I'm honorable for the most part, and have integrity in my work ethic. Hopefully that will bring the good things to me. I'm good with that. Slowly but surely I'm getting my feet on the ground and since I've always had my head in the stars, it's probably only going to lead to some sense of balance. That'll be nice to actually acheive, maybe someday it will become a reality instead of just a pipe dream. I suppose that looking forward to those things makes it easier to deal with the fact that the relationship department is moving a little slow right now. Frankly I have yet to meet a girl that could keep up with me, or more to the point, keep pace. Sometimes I like it slow, but tonight... tonight, I want to live balls out... I'm going to drive to this party and I'm either staying there or taking a cab back. That's the plan, and I'm sticking to it ;-) We'll see if I actually do or not when I write more later...

j-
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It must be the

It must be the season. I want to run away and get away from this place and all this frustration I'm feeling. Wish I could shake it but it doesn't seem to be happening. So I go along, there's nothing else to do. A friend of a friend killed himself. Seems to be the season. Hightened tension of existence doesn't seem to be helping much. I have no energy, I have no will. Maybe sleep would help, my normal insomnia seems to be ragavging my mind and body more than it normally does. Maybe I'm getting sick. Or just finishing up processing all the poison that I ingested over the past few weeks. Who knows. I don't really care anymore. Apathy. It festers in the idle mind, and mine has been idle, I can't seem to write, I can't seem to play music. I can't even seem to be comfortable in my own skin. doesn't help on the creative front, and really doesn't help in the "I'm trying to be a healthy well adjusted human being" front. Today sucked, I felt so out of joint with the rest of the world. I don't fit in with the work world. I have to find some way of getting out of there and still maintaining a somewhat comfortable living. In happier days I would say that it's just too bad someone can't pay me to be me. But I'm so unhappy with myself right now that if I were me, I'd fire me... me me me me me... a certain narsicist friend of mine who I take some pleasure in knowing is causing a great deal of stress with those people at work that hired me due to the fact that I hang around them, would say that I was being narsicistic in my thinking because everything is about me... but there's no one else in my life for me to focus on right now so it only seems natural. Too bad I care so little about it all...

I'm working on a story at least. I'll get it out eventually... I'm going to sleep for now though, it's about what... 6pm, good time to go to sleep....

more later... j-
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Just finished reading a

Just finished reading a Noel Coward play, "A Young Idea." Interesting, amusing... it's humor underscores it's naivity. It's funny to me now in a way wholly unintended by the author, I'm sure.

I was out walking today, trying to find some insight or inspiration. I'm officially finished poisoning myself and I've actually managed to live through it, so now the search goes on for whatever I feel like I should do next in my life. Frankly I don't feel like doing much of anything with my life. Weird. A few short months ago I was feeling so ambitious. Now I just feel like I'm depressed and lonely and want to sleep. But ideas keep popping in and out, and frankly my guitar has never sounded so good which makes me want to get ideas down on tape (or hard drive, whatever...) so today is more than likely the last good day in chicago until spring. I'm not enthusiastic about the coming winter. I'm not really enthusiastic about much. I like where I live though and the snow won't be a hassle this year with a market and public transit all within falling distance of my door. So I go out, walking, just out to enjoy the day. I stumble across a book sale. A little radical bookstore with a bunch of communist literature and apparently someone who was breifly into theater. A few plays, nothing I'de heard of, and Eugene Ionesco and Noel Coward, right there in a pool among names not heard of, and books about stage direction. An eclectic mix. I pick up the Ionesco and the Coward and pay. Three bucks for a few hours entertainment, it's a worthy investment. I came home, ingested the last bit of poison that I possessed and promptly fell asleep. A few hours later I got up to read. That's been the day.

The play, it's about two children that want to see their parents back together and happy, and it's all so nicely wrapped around the stuffy convention of proper british society, and the beautiful backdrop of europe and italy. It wasn't particularly good. It was amusing, but little more than that. Still, I read it through to the end. It was a sentimental little peice, and we all know by know how I love cheap sentiment. The idea of unrequited love between two people that have been seperated for 15 years made me think of my own doomed marriage. It was pretty sad for the most part. Just the idea that something would be so easy to overcome as to cause another go around after 15 years made it all so unbelievable. But then I lost sight of Gloria, I started looking back at people that I'd actually loved. I wasn't in love with Gloria, not even when I married her. It's sad to say, and difficult to own up to, but there was never much love in our relationship. I was desperate for someone who would take care of me, and she was desperate for someone in the city that she hadn't fucked. After she'd fucked me good and proper, and after I started to realize that the price of servitude was too high, it was all over. That was before we got married. There never was much love. So my mind turned... I started thinking about the people that I really loved, and there was of course only one name that dominated my thought. Karen. I haven't thought of her in a long time. And I probably won't again after tonight, but it's nice to think for a few moments about the one person I can remember having feelings of genuine love for. The tragedy is the horrible way I treated her in my youth. Now I'm too old to put up that much of a fight. But then I'm also jaded as all hell and probably incapable of falling in love again regardless of my own romantic notions on the topic. No, I havent' thought of Karen in a long time. I used to think of her all the time and had this recurring dream about her. I was always pleasently surprised by the dream because it was her and she was happy, and we got along well in the dreams. But then one night I had the worst, most terrifying dream and I had to call and make sure nothing freakishly bad had happened. It hadn't (thank god). But it made me realize that hanging on to anything is not a good thing. I wrote a short letter to apologize for the horrible treatment I'd made her suffer through, and sent it off. I still to this day don't know if it ever got there. And of course by now it no longer matters. It's all in the past, but everything stopped when I mailed that letter, all the dreams, all the idealization of the past, all of the embarassment, and self flagelation... all done. Until tonight. Memory is sweet in it's own way. It disintegrates the foul oderous events while extoling the best and most pleasurable. Nostalgia, naivity, Noel Coward, it makes for an interesting evening in by ones self.

I have a feeling that the past, like the mailing of a letter, is going to be easier to let go after tonight.

more later... j-
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Holy shit! My Life

Holy shit! My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult is coming to town tomorrow night. Anybody wants to go, let me know now ;-) It's at the metro which is a totally bad ass venue (although it's a total pain in the ass to park around there...)

[much much later...]

Jesus I have to get a life. As I watch a man facing his own inner demons, I finish facing my own only to see and understand that with that continuing of the cycle, there really is no end. I've decided to put off the desire to hang everything up and not deal with the world of dating and people and all of that for now and start moving back into the world of the living. I think that my reaction was entirely due to the ammount of poison that I've consumed over the past what... two years... and before that even. I have to admit that I've ingested a lot more poison lately in a short time frame, but its been to test a theory. The body is made of this grand chemical reaction that is self motivated, evolving, and reactive to the environment... it transmutes poison, environmental, emotional, chemical, airborne, whatever... it intakes all of this, some is cast through the system, some bounces off, the rest makes it's way into the system, and it either completely keeps it from working at all... or it changes, it breaks down, and absorbs, it builds up walls of tissue around, or it does one of any number of reactions and transformations to be able to pass the poison through the system. Some of that is absorbed and used the feed the body, which in turn assimilates it and sooner or later becomes a part of the body... we all know these things, the question is to what degree we can possibly tolerate the poison before keeling over and dying from it... god knows I've pushed that boundary in this lifetime more often than I should ever tell. But this is too much, its starting to come together after so many years that I should really let go of all that emotional baggage that we all wind up carrying around from one thing to another... just drop it... just let it slip away into the distance like so many bad memories drank away in the night laughing with friends.

okay, enough crazy rambling... I'm off to shower and be lazy... I'll go get a life tomorrow night...

j-
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