[ 12:32AM PST ]
There's this strange disconnect between the sensation of experiance and all that goes with the living and gorwing process that can not be conveyed. There are these times when we feel like there is something that is so profound that it must be communicated that really can only ever be felt, and never really fully verbalized. It's strange to think that nevt every thought or intention or emotion can be put into words and yet, it does indeed happen all the time. There are times where I feel something so proufound that I want to tell someone or I see a particular dynamic play out that I want to be able to say to someone. Sometimes there is nothing that can be said. Love... love is one of those. You can say it but we've all at one time or another expressed how empty the words seem compared to the emotion and all that drives it. Compassion is another one... pity another... it's odd that at those moments where the most needs to be communicated that there is not vocabulary capable of communicating it. It points out the faliibility of human expression, of languange, of contact. Of what a frail thing that contact is, and how fragile and delicate communcation can be. The subtleties of someone who hunches over when they are being talked to, or the downcast expression when trying to maintain some sort of composure. It's all there on some level or another. It's hiding behind the words, but it's still there. People bandy about this 80's slogan of self help relationship reform, "Communication is the key [to any relationship]" but something that culture never really brought up was understanding all the other forms of human communication other than writen or verbal. What does it mean when someone wrings their hands compulsively during a conversation or twirls their hair or looks away continually... does it always mean that there is something wrong when those things are done, or just that there is a part of the story not being told and it's coming out in different ways. Personally I think that it's all context sensative, that the only way to really understand is to be aware in whatever the situation. Too much buddhism probably, but I think they were on to something. Compassion, developing the heart and all that... it's good to read with your heart and instinct sometimes a little more often than with your head (that would be the hippy in me coming out). But not too often (that would be the geek coming out).
alright, late night rambling aside...
[ 11:58AM PST ]
Wow... what was I on when I wrote that? hmmm...
karma is a funny thing. when someone who you've pissed off comes back does it really ever get under your skin when you know that something was coming? Does it really ever suprise you to find that some construct no matter how small it might be remains until some sort of retribution is doled out? Not really. I've made it pretty public for a while now that I feel bad about the way I went about severing ties with a couple that were friends of mine back in the day. I knew the reasons for it, and I knew that it was the right thing, but the way I did it was totally fucked. Still it seemed the only way at the time, but then I was pretty crazy with what I was going through. They came back today though. Pretty good timing and all, being april fools day. I suppose they think of me as the fool, and that's their right. I have no problem with that considering. But given the emotional investment at the time into that weird bullshit and given the abrupt ending, I suppose I was foolish to think that I could simply walk away and not have anything come back to me. All in all it could be worse though. I could still be maintaining poisoned relationships with people that I don't really know or understand for reasons that I don't really know or understand. Or I could leave the baggage behind and start developing a new life from the ground up. It needed to be done. Regardless, karma came back, bit me in the ass... c'est la vie. The level of embarrassment I feel about it is nothing compared to the level of hapiness I feel for where I'm at now. It's a very good thing.
more later, j-
[ 12:32AM PST ]
[ 05:29PM PST ]
I've been really restless lately. I can't sleep and there doesn't seem to be anything that will bring enough peace of mind to really rest easily. I've always been pretty sensative to the things that I see and hear in the news and frankly the state of global affairs is pretty grim. Granted, it's been worse, but there is this looming dread that as a whole, our race has not evolved to the point that we will be able to overcome the things that stand in the way of making real progress as a species. Like this Middle east thing. Palestinians keep blowing themselves up and Isreal keeps pounding the shit out of them which makes more Palestinians blow themselves up. I mean, part of me wants to react to this and say, "Fuck all of you, go blow yourselves up and be done with eachother." But these are peoples families, cousins and brothers and sisters, and there are valid concerns on both sides but none of the leadership seems concerned about the people that are out there just trying to get by day to day and don't want to get into a huge political debate. They just want the freedom to live the way they want. It's a shame really. So the issue is, with the leadership of both sides so out of sorts and bent on destruction or World War 3 as they seem to be, who is going to do the work of really gettin down to a peaceful agreement of coexistance? I want to believe that there is a third option rather than beating the fuck out of each other.
I remember being a freshman in high school and it was the later years of the Reagan presidency. I hated that man, he was bound to drag the US into total global destruction from the way I interpreted things back in the day. Looking back, and finding things out after the fact, this was a man who actually lead us to the brink of total global destruction and for what purpose other than to "fight the evil comunists"... who cares how you govern or what political system you choose to adopt as long as your method of governance takes into account the global climate, and the people that you rule over (ie environment, economics, and human rights, etc). American politics to date can't really say that all of that has been taken into account either. But then neither can the regimes of most countries. Has there at least been improvment? (Perhaps until the Shrub came to power, but who's to say) There has to be a better way. There has to be a system of politics and a mind set of humanity that will allow us to evolve beyond the fighting and turmoil and oppression. There has to be a way to find peace other than waiting for the eventual fallout from fighting and suicide bombings and all that shit.
Actually I suppose that there really doesn't have to be another way, but it seems so defeatist to think that this is the way it's always been and the way that it's always going to be. That this intolerance and idiocy is the best that any of us are ever going to do...
I have a poster that has a poem from the Dali Lama on it. It's a big source of inspiration in times of turmoil. "...Develop the heart / Be compassionate / not just to your friends / but to everyone / Be compassionate / Work for peace..."
These words resound in my mind not just since 9/11 but for a long time. Please, if you read this ever, ignore everything that I say for all I care, but listen to the words of the Dali Lama, Be compassionate to everyone and work for peace.
[ 09:35AM PST ]
daylight - the weather here rocks. it's in the 70's and sunny and I'm just starting to get used to the fact that its not overcast rainy/snowy COLD weather.
it's a beautiful day.
I had weird dreams last night... about my old roommate Tracey, I hope she's doing well, sometimes I miss her. While I was mourning the divorce and trying to get on with life she was super sympathetic and put up with my weirdness while gently pushing me in the direction of getting on with life. Gotta love friends like that. She pushed me in ways that someone that was closer to me probably never could have, at the same time becomeing one of my favorite people ever. I should try and get in contact with her today... Along with visions of my ex roommate came visions of the ex wife (Gloria) which was funny because once I recognized her in my dream I was totally pissed. It was some scenario where someone was dependant on her to get something donw and I'm sitting there ragging on them saying shit like "What did you expect?" and going off... it was funny in a way, but disturbing too since I"m not that person anymore and I'm pretty sure that she's not either regardless of whether or not she still shows all those old patterns of behavior... frnakly I don't care if she does or not at this point, it's just strange how the mind keeps raking up old memories at times.
I remember doing this about ten years ago though, I had an old girlfriend who once tried to kill herself, and for the longest time I pushed the thought out of my mind, either because I was too caught up in thoughts of suicide or whatever... I wanted to run from it, and then I had a dream that threw me off guard and I tried to find her and get her back, it was stupid. I knew it at the time, and I really know how stupid it was now. Not that this situation even compares other than the same thread of the dream life affecting reality. Strangeness... anyway... time to get ready and go to work... Renee has an interview today, I hope it goes well for her.
[ 12:48AM PST ]
This is what happens when one binds up too much of that creative force or energy for too long in one spot without trying to do anything about getting it out. It all comes out in one big spewage of shit and nothing is strung together very well and nothing makes sense in any other context except for that moment of the spewage when only the one experiancing the spewage can make anything out of it at all. And then, then and there, to that person it is pure golden, pure golden beautiful experiance and expression. There is just one problem with that... to most people listening, it's just a bunch of shit. Funny thing about life is that there are always those moments where we build up the energy and where we let it go. It seems like there has been a lot of time in my life where I held on to that energy more than I let it go. Yeah, sounds a little hippie at times but for some reason those words work for me. I feel like exploding though, I feel like I'm holding something in that I'm ready to let go of... I feel like there is closure on so many fronts that I never really had come to peace with, and now... this... this no writing for days, this weird attempt at getting into a new job in a new city and a new pace and atmospere... living with a new girl. A girl for which I am almost 100 dependant on to get around the city and area with (for the time being) and for which it is almost completely driving me mad. However, I realize that there are all sorts of things that I can and will do to remedy that, and despite the fact that I know that is a truth, I still haven't done anything about it. So what is that all about? What is that prolongation of this dependance about... perhaps some sense of needing someone and liking the fact that there is someone dependable and semi stable there? Perhaps the desire to be cottled and spoon fed my relationship like an infant? Perhaps I really am a masochist and sabatoging what is potentially a very beautiful thing with overblown feeling of deservingness or neediness and working toward driving her away in some sort of freaky david lynch uncover-your-inner-psyche sort of way. Perhaps I just think too much about it. Anyway, It's definitly indicative that something is up, and the fact that I'm both here still and saying this type of thing to myself shows me that at least I'm thinking about and working on the issue. Now, to turn thought into action. That's always the difficult thing... this goes on all fronts though, although by my experience, if there's a blocked up feeling in one aspect of life, it tends to impact the others. I have felt like I've been going a little crazy lately to be perfectly honest, and I think it's because of all the pent up frustration I've had about not writing and not making something. I tell myself that it's just a matter of time before I get back into it, and I keep saying that soon there will be something new, but I haven't been writing so that leads me to believe that there is nothing good gonna come if I don't first just sit down and start typing. Which is why this abling little bit of shit goes on for as long as it has already... okay okay okay... it's a journal, lets keep this journal like in some regards... today... today was interesting... I'm learning so much about my girlfriend and her family, we live incredibily close to them all, and they are such beautiful people. So warm and friendly. I'm so not used to the type of family that they are and it's so much culture shock for me, on a very fundamental level. Sometimes I wonder if she and I aren't too much different, that there are so manys differences that make me wonder about our future. But then there are days like today... sunny day, woke up and looked out the window thinking to myself that I'm so in love with my new view that I have to take a picture of it. So I do, and we amble about for a while until we get dressed and walk up to the store for a few things, coffee being the most important... then off to the parents for brunch with the family, including brother and sister-in-law and their two incredible kids.... then out came pictures... father and mother so young, the children... pre-imigration... so young, you could see the energy and life in their eyes... the baby pictures and family pictures and alone pictures of lives of cousins and aunts and grandparents and all the distant relations and where they are now and where they all came from. It made me wonder if this is not what family was supposed to be, if for what ever reason, there was something about the genetic make up of me that has somehow predestined the fact that family is unimportant and therefore has led me to this place so far away from them. Then I started to realize that everyone keeps their families in their hearts in different ways... Renee keeps her families in her heart in different ways than I keep mine in my heart, and somewhere in between our two beliefs meet. So as the day went on, to get back to the point, we went on, to home and then to her cousins house... in the hills of San Jose, they have a beautiful place up there. It was cozy, warm and the oscars were on. I see from even the hollywood awards shows this need... this overblown desire from hollywood and all the people of the academy... this wanton need to paint the world in a happy pastel light of bliss and happy endings with a sepia tone of nostalgia. The fact that Ron Howard won as best director, and no disputing the mans years of experience and hard work, but to say that "A Beautiful Mind" ranks as the best film of the year and Ron Howard deserves best director for it is like that year that Forest Gump won over Pulp Fiction and Shawshank redemption... yes... good... it was a fine film, but in the company it kept, it was the weakest of the three... still, this is the hollywood happy ending for the oscars, and one that anyone with half an eye could have picked out ahead of time. What blew me away was the respect and honor given to Sidney Portier. What a man of character and grace and dignity. Was it just me, or did the secret underlying tone of the oscars seem to be fighting racial prejudice though? If not, too bad, if so, fucking good... Whoopie Goldberg pointing out the fact that there were no white faces during the film honoring Sidney P's lifetime acheivement and the fact that there were no black faces in Robert Redford's just hit home about how much work in race relations is left to do in america. And this is, I think, the first year that both the best actor and best actress were both black. Both of whom where extreamly deserving for their work this year and all of their years prior to now... oh man, but now I'm totally digressing... I was hoping that when I started out writing this that there would eventually bea point to it all, and I suppose that there really just is none. Nothing new or suprising... guess I'll just go to sleep...
more later. j-
[ 09:22AM PST ]
Early morning rain falls into the lagoon like traveling souls splashing down at a new location. Open the blinds and lay there quiet for a while to listen to the gentle murmur of water hitting wood and brick and concrete. These storms are not like the storms back home, the ones where you'd hit strait up as a flash lit up the sky and the dark night like day. This is dull grey soaking, rain for plants and trees, not to fuel childrens nightmares or to shake and rumble the soul. I'll be perfectly honest, I miss those storms. THe ones that made the foundation of the house shake, the times when we would have to run to the basement out of fear of the coming funnel. There was something that was thrilling about all that. Of course, I'm told that I have something else to strike fear and terror into my heart with the inevitiable coming earthquakes. But until that actually happens, it's still an unreality. Besides, the thunderstorms I remember, they were'nt terrifying, they were more just a sign of the immensity and power of nature. Not to sound likea hippie or anything, but some of my favorite times were watching the rolling sky come in getting grey-er and darker slowly as the sun was going down in the late afternoon. Then by night time, the winds would kick up and the trees outside would start to sway. The trees were old and standing was difficult enough for then, so with the wind there would invariably be some dead branches fall and hit outside the window. Best to save that because it makes good winter kinling. Then I would sit outside on the porch or out the front door on the slab of concete that made up the cistern and I'd watch as the lightning began to snake its way through the sky. First coming quietly, on the horizon, then faster and stronger. Then Loud. It would be raining by the time it was loud and of course by then I'd be inside looking out. Once I saw a funnel start to form so close to the house that I could have run out into the field and touched it. It went away before it turned ugly, but it was still an impressive and somewhat frightening sight to see. As I sit here and write this, the day is starting to lift the clouds already and the rain, albeit steady, is losing steam. It'll be a sunny day, hopefully a little warmer than yesterday (still warmer than chicago). It'll be good to see what the sunlight brings.
[ 11:55PM PST ]
Sometimes the most powerful indicator that your life is on track comes through the sublte signs of dreams and deja vu. There are a thousand different interpretations of what these things all mean, and a thousand more that discount the very existance of premonitions and signs. I'll be the first to admit that I believe in something different and not totally mainstream.
I remember months ago a dream I had where I woke up kind of scratching my head thinking, "What a strange fucking dream..." It was strange because I was in bed, reading, in some foreign environment laying in bed reading a black and white bood with red sheets and someone with me (Renee) rolls over and I pull out a receipt... red lines streaked across it after having been spit off the end of the roll. So now tonight, dream comes to life. What does it mean? What does it mean when you've drepmt something is real and then it becomes real? Perhaps I've just done too much acid in my liffetime and my synapses are all all cross wired. Perhaps there is something more.
I know that it's an unpopular belief to thinnk of ones self as being "destined" for another, at least in the male community, and especally if that person that you are destined for is anything less than the Pamala Anderson ideal of plastic boobs and bulemia. Frankly, I'm starting to believe, and starting to convince myself that there is something far greater than I ever imagined driving the car of my life, and if I sit back and let it happen, it will take me to some inevitiable end. What is that end? Who knows, but at least it's a ride that is far more interesting than it has been. It's at least something that lets me focus onthe things that matter to me rather than pandering to a bunch of lost and shiftless idiots who either have too little on their hands and minds. Oh yes, its a good thing to get dream validation of the world one is creating and know that there is the strength and will to back up its creation. Here's were I would through in a Douglas Adams reference out of honor and respect, as well as a bit of humor when regarding the World Builders of Magaretha, as I'm sure we all should try to emulate or immitate just a little sooner or later in life.
Perhaps tonight new prophet dreams will comw and new visions if life and milestones will appear to let me know which way the path will take, and wether or not I'm on target. It's an interesting little experiment to plat with one's psyche to see what sort of plan unfolds before the eyes... we'll see if this one lives up to the rock star mythos any better than the actual rock star mythos did... (little inside joke regarding an obscuse Tenacious D reference)... anyway. On to stage two... door to door rocking...
more later... j-
[ 04:09PM PST ]
too many thoughts rolling around in my head. can't seems to slow down enough at the moment to write or get them out. I wanted to sit down last night and pour out all thats been happening, but nothing seems to come when I sit. instead I worked on the office. Finally broadband, bandwidth issues have been causing me some bit of headache for the past few months and now they are gone, although money issues remain. They always remain though... they will go away soon enough. regardless... too much happening in the world. I remember being a teen and in school and terrified over reagan international policy regarding soviet russia and the cold war, then the calm after the cold war. needless to say, it's only appropriate that years later, in order to boost economic revival, a baby bush starts another war and regains the world of terror that so many of us wanted to put behind. never mind the idea that there is a vast majority of people that wants simply to live in peace, with some modest quality of living. but this all starts me on a rant that I'm not prepared to dive into at the moment, it's getting late in the say, and I'm a little too tired to get on my soapbox here. some other time perhaps. I want to go home today, take a bath, read a book and forget about all the troubles with work and the world. perhaps then I'll pick up the pen so to speak and lay it all down for posterity... or at least say it all at least once so it doesn't keep clanging around in my head.
more soon... I'm going home soon...
[ 10:44AM PST ]
Wow... haven't written in a while... lots has been happening.
started new job... check.
got cable... check.
finished unpacking... no check...
there seems to be so much shit that you aquire when traveling through life, like me, I'm a nerd. I have about 6 million cables and connectors that join everything electronic. They are all in milk crates now, waiting to be unpacked into what will eventually be my office but for the time being looks more like a radio shack exploded in one of my rooms. Thank god for Renee. She's been to one subjected to organizing the mess and if it weren't for a feminine touch, I'm afraid everything I own would still be sprawling all over the apartment.
It's absolutely gorgous here though, the weather is good, and warm. It rained last night which made me happy believe it or not. It was a good soaking rain that lasted for hours, and I could hear it out the windows when I went to sleep. It reminded me of living back on the farm with the tin roof that resonated when the rain hit it. Not a bad way to fall asleep, warm and happy and remeniscing...
I love the new apartment. It's probably the nicest one I've ever had. And the company is incredible. Renee and I got into our first fight the other day though. I think it's impossible to start any new meaningful relationship without dragging in your baggage, I think she's a little insecure at times. Me? I am too, but I don't fear it anymore. I think she does on some levels still. It's cool though, we talked, felt emotionally drained, hugged each other, kissed, made up, and it all felt good in the end. Like at least we were learning about eachother and making progress... that's all I care about at this point is making some steps forward rather than spinning my wheels. There's a lot of forward movement right now too... we'll see how it goes. I'm still waiting to hear about a few opportunities that are on the horizon, and for now, I'm happy getting settled.
So, that's life for the moment.
more later, j-